Hey Woman, just want to pop in & say Happy Thanksgiving here too ! When I joined here, I never imagined I'd make friends like you. I am sooooooo thankful that we met and have accompanied each other on our paths.
Doc told me something the other night that I want to share.
He reminded me that all people we meet in life have a certain role, and that role shouldn't change. For example: If I work in the same corporation as a man, he is a co-worker, supervisor, boss, etc.....he is not a flirt friend, potential date, partner, etc. I have trouble with boundaries a lot, so this helps me.
He reminds me about the 3 types of love.
1. friendship love 2. brother sister love 3. passionate love
I am learning to meet someone, determine if I even want to become friends with him. Then let the friendship grow & develop slowly, then assess if there is sexual tension, chemistry or desire. I know you already follow this pattern, but I wanted to remind you that it's something you are already good at.
Love ya
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks cookie.. that is great insight Doc has.. as always. I'm trying to keep it in mind as I look forward to other possibilities of "partner" in my life.
1st 'real' mediation session was awful. Our "Mediator" that StbXH's counselor (whom I respect very much) recommended... play lawyer for almost the entire time.
Kept trying to do things we don't want him doing...there was no "tell me your issues and what you'd like to see done" for either of us. Just lots of stories of how he's handled things with other clients (as a lawyer) in the past.
Don't get me wrong this guy is apparently a great family law attorney.. has argued 2 or 3 cases in front of our state Supreme Court, and is knowledgable about what is allowed in our state & not.
However, we each have our own lawyer & are looking for someone to navigate & mediate this mess of a settlement. He came across as dismissive & arrogant to both the StBX & I... in fact other than a school issue with our D!5 last month... this was the first thing in AGES that he & I agreed on... this guy left a bad taste in both our mouths.
Icing on the really bad cake however, was the STbXH's attorney did not get the mediator any of the financial stuff. So the guy was shooting blind.. however, that is no excuse in my book to not ask questions to find out what our individual positions are and what we each have for concerns.
I'm pissed at StBXH because he promised (yeah, I know) that he'd get everyone all the copies.. I made sure my attorney had what she needed and 'assumed' (yeah I know) that he would follow through since he was the one that wanted mediation so badly.
I'm thinking of emailing the mediator, after having discussed this in more detail with the StBXH and refreshing my mind on what a mediator's responsibilities are fromothe web.. and clearly laying out what we expect from him as 'mediator' not attorney... and asking him if he can do what we need/want. If not, thanks for your time. If he thinks so, then clearly lay out your plan for mediating this next Monday so we are all on the same page.
Has anyone reading this had any experience with mediation (not the kind where you are both at an impasse, but where you are tyring to find the common ground and both parties main issues are addressed BEFORE an agreement is even written up?
I knew it wasn't common in our state (seems like we are always 20 years behind).. or if this is just this guy's style.
Thanks for listening & any input would be great! Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
He came across as dismissive & arrogant to both the StBX & I... in fact other than a school issue with our D!5 last month... this was the first thing in AGES that he & I agreed on... this guy left a bad taste in both our mouths.
An attorney that came across as dismissive and arrogant? I think many of them do unfortunately. Do you have to commit to this guy as your mediator or can you find another? I would actually recommend maybe a mediator that isn't an L. My experience was ridiculous, the mediator suggested X having custody Monday through Friday was reasonable even though I had 95% of their custody for the prior 15 years, and everything else my X suggested. No discussion or mediation at all. It was entirely worthless. She was an L as well and don't understand how that could be mediation. She went to X, brought back his ludicrous suggestions, and said they were good ideas?
Bridge, wish you were in Oregon. Our Mediator is (was?), IMO, a perfect fit for our sitch. We've actually become friends, so he can no longer mediate for us. Perhaps I could inquire about a referral in your area, if you like. It will be a little more difficult to find one who has the financial piece, but I know my fella subs out parts that are out of his area of expertise (i.e. domestic abuse support services). He has quite the network, most is local to Portland. Hugs to you, prayers for D15. Goldey
Bridge, just a quick flyby to let you know all is well and I've updated on my thread. See you in the alt. Have a Very Merry Christmas, my friend. love, Goldey
Hi Back in the home state... ready for our 2nd round of mediation today. My lawyer suggested giving him one more chance- since the child support/custody piece he wrote up was very much favorable to me in many ways beyond which I had asked for and that StBX had indicated he agreed to. At this point the StBX is fine with the wording of it.
As for today, I would like to see:
"both parties interests and issues with the financial component of the divorce settlement are heard and discussed with respect, understanding, caring, and fairness"
after that then see what progress is made on the property settlement and alimony agreements.
Karen: thanks for sharing your insight & experience. I decided to give this guy one more shot as if we switch to someone now, then I'm probably stuck signing a temporary line of credit for the StBX's business for the new year. Something I'd like to avoid... If not then, so be it.... at least for a bit.
Goldey: Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, hugs & offer of help. I'll let you know what I decide after today and may taek you up on your mediator reference if possible.
Peace to all, Hugs to those who want them Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I can honestly tell you that sometimes I hate myself because of the way I treated those that I cared about the most. Actually, a lot of the time I do! If I had known then what I know now, I could have prevented so much pain and hurt for them and myself. I hate it that I hurt my wife and the kids so much! But I have to keep living. I can't change the past; I wish I could. It's hard for me to live with the reality of me having done what I have. And it's hard to live with the fact that I know I have caused them pain and anguish that will last throughout their lives.
I really don't know what to do, or even think sometimes. All that I see to show that I have lived for 48 years is pain!
I'm sorry for her, and I'm sorry for you.
I hope that all I read about healing is true...for all of our sakes!
Sincerily, antlers
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
((antlers)) I hear your pain that comes with recognizing the hurt your actions in the past inflicted on your family & the corresponding regret that you can not change that. I hope you cn forgive yourself & come to peace with the pain and regret. Without it you wouldn't be the man you are today... I see you are in this forum now... hope we can support each other as we move into singlehood.
((goldey)) thanks for stopping by! My prayers are with you!
(((Bunny!!) Thanks for your thoughts.. round 2 went ok, not great, not bad. Enough to go back, but not for a bit. Christmas was very good & am enjoying time with both my kids... a rarity these days.
STbX & I are working something out on our own right now.. none of the 3 lawyers we have talked to together or privately are providing us the creativity we are looking for in meeting our financial requests of what we want to accomplish in the property settlement of the business. frustrating.
Merry Belated Holidays everyone. Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
