It's been a long time since I last posted here. Still in ssm, even more sex starved than before. The sex, or shall I say lack thereof isn't so much the issue now. Indeed, that was really the tip of the iceberg in the train wreck our marriage has become. MrsGGB told me the second time in 4 months ILYBINILWY, and it wasn't a surprise (well, actually I asked her and she was honest with me about her feelings). Not that I didn't already know, it was pretty obvious from her actions. Frankly, I'm in pretty much the same spot (re the ILYBINILWY) We've pretty much become room mates and are not really talking much to each other beyond the logistical info needed to keep a house full of kids running. For me, the lack of sex seems to have precipitated the distance between us, but that may just be the first symptom I was able to recognize. After pushing for all these years (were married almost 23 years), I'm pretty much out of steam. I'd rather make this work than walk, but I'm also out of ideas on how to move it forward instead of inflicting even more damage. I long for a closeness that I see in other couples as well as depicted in movies etc. We've never been able to achieve that in our marriage, and I wonder if it is me, her or both that prevents it. I think early on, I equated sex with closeness and perhaps sabotaged our R trying to get close using sex. I don't know how to get there from here, or if it is even possible. We've also seemed to have killed any of the fun and playfulnes in our marriage, and again, I'm not sure if that was ever there (I honestly can't remember it being there). If there were no kids and no vows, the decision would be an easy "NEXT!". However, between the kids (6), our religion (very Catholic), and my vows, I have a hard time with moving on...that and I don't know that the problem isn't me and that I'd likely just get into the same situation on the next relationship. I do know that I can't go on being just a room mate and a paycheck. How do I fix this? Where do I start?
....If there were no kids and no vows, the decision would be an easy "NEXT!". However, between the kids (6), our religion (very Catholic), and my vows, I have a hard time with moving on...that and I don't know that the problem isn't me and that I'd likely just get into the same situation on the next relationship. I do know that I can't go on being just a room mate and a paycheck. How do I fix this? Where do I start?
Obviously, you know more and have been at this longer than I have. Also, I haven't made much progress in fixing my R problem.
If you are "very Cathoic" perhaps you can schedule some time with a priest and find out what conseling services may be available through your church and find out if your wife might be willing to attend as well.
As to figuring out "the problem" there probably isn't a single problem or a single person who is the problem. It is probably a combination of things that you do and things that your wife does and things that have conditioned the both of you to act the way you do. The best advise I have seen is that it takes two to fix a relationship problem, although one can sometimes supply the motivation to their partner.
Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
That's a very good way to put it. It takes one to take the initiative and be willing to take action even if the partner won't, and it takes both to make it work once you get started.
But if you take a look at GGB's post count, it looks like he's probably heard all this before.
I did talk to the priest a while back. Not a lot of help there, basically his advice was pray for an answer and focus on the things that you like about her. MrsGGB is in IC with a MFLT who I find to be a little flakey. We've gone to joint sessions as well, and I've gone and seen her twice on my own. If anything, the counseling is making things worse, not better. We also did Marriage Encounter about 5 years ago, and I thought we were making some headway. The sharing feelings bothered MrsGGB and she won't do their dialog thing any more. I'll probably sign us up for Retroville this spring, knowing that she still may not participate fully.
You've tried so many things, your frustration must be giving off heat. That simply sucks, and I don't have much helpful to say. I'm not really familiar with the Catholic church, but maybe you need to talk to someone other than your own priest if the Catholic perspective is important to you.
You know, I'm not religious at all, but I'd be wary of putting too much store in the fact that someone nominally shares your religion. I have friends who are Baptists and friends who are *Baptists,* friends who are Catholics and friends who are *CATHOLICS.* I'm sure you've been over all this, but as you found with your priest, even priests of the same religion don't necessarily have the same concept of what their religion means or how it relates to a marriage. Heck, I have a Jewish friend who wears a long beard and covers his head, but his family celebrated Hanukkah with tattoos for his wife and his father this year.
Was there a time when you felt like you were on track and things were going the way you wanted? What was that like?
Her religion wasn't a selection criteria, rather it is just a bonus that we found out about later. The only reason it matters is that it provides a little bit more context for her when dealing with us. I agree, there is a whole spectrum of "catholic". We are probably more traditional catholic than most American Catholics.
We've been more on track, but never completely. Things started going downhill a few months before we married (that's when SSM crept in, but I didn't recognize it then). She stopped with the sex saying she felt guilty doing it outside of marriage and promised it would be better when we married. It never did get better, in fact we only ML once on our 8 day honeymoon. I think about the same time we started to lose any playfulness in our R. I wrote off my misgivings at the time as pre-nuptial jitters rather than a red flag. I'm sure some of the decline in our R is due to building resentment over the years over the M not being what I thought it would be and it not changing the way I expected it to. I didn't have the tools back then to know how to put it back on track, so over the course of the first 17 years I let it get further and further off track. The last 6 years or so I've been doing a lot of reading, introspection, and trying to fix the problems, often with her putting up roadblocks. At times, I think I've done more damage than good over these past few years, but on the other hand, staying where it was wasn't working either, although she thought it was because I was keeping most of the resentment and disappointment bottled up. At least now, I am keeping a lot less in and making an effort to do things for me.
Have you sat down and listed everything you want in this marriage? Not so much a list of goals, but a list of wishes/hopes/dreams?
I saw a segment on the today show not too long ago about couples trying to improve their marriages. They offered 4 things that couples could do - I remember one of them! lol! And I guess because it was most pertinent to my sitch: when trying to fix your M, stop trying to fix the negative and concentrate on the positive. From the day I saw that, I changed my perspective on things. And I have unwittingly drawn my H back to me in a way I never thought I would. He has even said, I feel myself falling back in love with you.
You have to start from a positive mindset or you will not get anywhere. Begin now focusing on what is positive and what you can build on. You will never fix your marriage by trying to correct everything that is wrong with it, but you may have a shot of building a new one by building on the positives.
This is what I see (in no particular order) Positive 1) You are both still together
Positive 2) You have six beautiful children that deserve to see how much you love your wife
Positive 3) You know exactly where your W stands in the matter of your marriage
Positive 4) You are both committed to working on this - if not, neither of you would be in counseling
Positive 5) You desire a loving, fun, free, playful relationship with your W
Positive 6) You both believe in God and find it valuable to have a relationship with Him
That's off the top of my head and by reading the few posts you have here. I'm sure you can come up with tons more.
I shared my new outlook with my H the minute I saw it on TV. It was like a lightbulb went off. I tend to dwell on the negative - that's just how I am wired, I guess - but in that moment it all came together for me. All along I had been trying to fix, rather than build...duh. Because I shared that with him, we both now work together to look for ways to build on the positive, and it has become a challenge we now take on as a couple.
I've been getting the ILYBNILWY stuff for the last 3 years, but both of us committed to making things better, so I get where you're coming from.
Hopes this helps. em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
