Calling out the Piecers

[Freckle6]

I'm thrilled for you for your recent developments.

This is the first thread of yours I've followed, but is there a reason your cousin thinks she's your mother and that you're 5 years old? Did you bash your XW to her a lot before? She seems to have some quite strong opinions of your personal life which, IMO, she needs to realize you're a big boy and your not new at this parenting thing--having preteens--and she really should, to put it bluntly, STFU about what she thinks is best for you and your kids.

[dday101798]

Hi Freckle, thanks for dropping by.

but is there a reason your cousin thinks she's your mother

Actually, yes. My parents split when I was 12, physically and were at each other's throats for years prior. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my "father" he had really no involvement in the shaping of my life, and my mother was just and still is a plain old alky. I was kicked back and forth from house to house until finally on my ass alone at 14.

I never really knew what it was like to have a mother until my (ex)MIL. She was the greatest person ever in my book and as I start to friggen cry at my desk here at work, I miss her deary. She passed in 2006 after a 4 year bout with brain cancer. So for only 8 short years did I know what the love of a mother feels like. So my cousin came along and volunteered. As consequence to the life I peddled through, I tend to be "wreckless" or "thoughtless" in the way I do things from time to time. After all, the only person I've really had to answer to is XW.

i guess she also thinks that since I hadn't really any parents, I need help raising my own. That's where her help is not needed as her tactics are very strict, of which I was when we were a complete family. However, during and post D, I let them slide a bit too much at times on things in fears of them resenting me and not wanting to visit.

make sense?

[Gnosis]

Dday,

I've told you this before and I'll repeat it again.

Sorry dude, I tend to agree with your cousin.

You have no idea what I'd give to have someone like her in my life right now. She's housed you and supported you through a very traumatic time in your life. She is entitled to her opinion because from all I've read, she's the only one who's truly been there for you. That my friend counts A LOT in my books.

[dday101798]

I know G.

The only problem is she is very straight to the point, and usually at that time, had a few under her belt, which turns her emotional and reminds me at times of my "mother" yelling at me and starts a whole psychological domino fall.

[Freckle6]

Yeah, that makes sense, but surely she has to realize that she may need to keep her opinions to herself on this topic or risk your relationship. I guess I would try saying to her, "I love you and I can't begin to thank you for all the ways you've been there for me over the years, but I need to see if I can put my family back together and try to give my kids back the kind of stable home I didn't have. I know you're worried about all this because you care about me and want me to be happy. I do appreciate that, but right now I'm doing what I feel I need to do." Of course putting in grunty man phrases.

This past spring my baby brother (I'm 9 years older so I almost feel like his mother too) decided he made a mistake getting married the year before. He asked if he could stay with me for a bit. I told him that if he was expecting me to say, "oh, do whatever makes you happy", he wasn't going to get it, but that if he needed a place to stay that I had room here. I made my opinion known that I firmly believed that you don't walk out on a marriage for the hell of it, whether it's been 9 months or 9 years or 59 years.

I made it known that I did not approve when I found out he had a "friend" who also happened to be married and had small children. But I didn't continually beat him over the head about it even though my tongue had constant bite marks in it. I even had to bite my tongue yesterday when, after finding out that my H and I have been "talking", when he told me to be careful because he (meaning my H) left so easily the first time. I was thinking, um, shouldn't that be what I need to say to *your* girlfriend. The one you walked out on your 9 month old marriage for? Or maybe I should be warning you about her since she doens't seem to like sticking around for the long haul either. Instead I just deleted that text and pretended I never saw it. Just like he's a grown-up and will do what he wants to do, so will I. You want me to talk to your cousin about biting her tongue and just smiling at you?

[Gnosis]

The only problem is she is very straight to the point,

That's quite a unique attribute in a woman.

had a few under her belt,

Something I don't like.

which turns her emotional and reminds me at times of my "mother" yelling at me and starts a whole psychological domino fall.

I hear you. Smart move. BTW, never intended to reprimand you on the above.

I hope you're still staying away from the sauce and I'm glad you had a good time last night.

[dday101798]

Thanks folks.

That is pretty much the approach I take with my cousin. I give my thanks, I mean I do appreciate whole heartedly what she's done for me. Like I said in post last week, I found myself using the "I'm sorry you feel that way" validating, several times without even thinking about, lol.

My only rationale is she is just nervous to be alone again when things come together for XW and I and the time is right to all be under the same roof again (which god I wish was today, but that's just not right). I told her plain and simple it would be at least a 6 month minimum before that could happen and I'd need a second job in order to do it, which in our current lovely economy isn't easy to get.

She also knows how invested I was/am to my M and family. I NEVER wanted my kids to ever endure what they have in the past 2 years, EVER. She did trash talk XW from time to time. Sometimes I'd agree to a lesser extent or degree of her intended message, but at most times I alwasy defended my XW. My cousin always said how it would be great for XW and I to work it out someday, but I think she was saying it to console me and that she didn't believe that someday, TODAY, would ever come.

G,

You learn a lot through DB-ing and apply it to your everyday life. And learning to avoid a conflict until everyone's emotions are in check is one of the biggest lessons I've learned.

[jon2911]

Dylan,
Thanks for dropping by my thread. Posted a quick recap of my sitch there. Excited to keep following what happens with yours!


JPr

[Jack_Three_Beans]

DDay,

You are short changing your cousin by saying she is only concerned for selfish reason about being alone.

She is also apparently very worried what happens to your kids if your wife pulls the tablecloth out from under you again.

And you are acting like any fool guy headlong in love.

Not saying it wrong, just saying your cousin deserves more respect and consideration than you are currently giving her.

If you appreciated it, you would talk with your cousin.

[RonD]

dday,

At the risk of offending the people who support your cousin, I think you and your XW will be know what's best for the 2 of you, and your children. Particularly when she has a few under her belt, your cousin needs to mind her own business.

And as far as the kids go, sounds to me like they know more than what you think they do. Kids are much more aware of what's going on than we give them credit for. Not saying you should give them what might be false hope, but good luck hiding things from them.

And good luck on the R. I know the feeling of having my XW "move my hand" as you described. That was perhaps the most memorable night of my life.