Well, I talked to H's atty today. She is going to set up a meeting whereby I will go to her office to pick up the divorce papers next week. She will have a plain-clothed civil service deputy there to witness the signing and will be available for me to "talk" afterwards.
All I can say is I tried my best to save this marriage. But one person cannot do it alone. No matter what the DB book says, the other partner has to be ammenable to, at least. talking in a face-to--face encounter, which my H never did from beginning until now, and continues to ignore.
It's one thing to try and save a marriage. It's another thing to have to put up a boundary to save your own soul. I was one who had to make that decision way back last year, when I realized there was -- what's it called -- constant infidelity. I know for a fact that H is laughing about Tiger's affairs with his friends. How does that strike me? It stikes me as my H thinks it funny because he's swimming in the same cesspool.
Here's my question, Coach...
How does one continue to try and save their marriage when boundaries have to be erected???
How does one continue to try and save their marriage when boundaries have to be erected???
I strongly suggest reading the boundary book. It will then be clear as to why it is important to set boundaries.
As far as saving the marriage, I feel boundaries are just one tool. They help make positive changes to the R and get responsibilities back to the proper person.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
In the days after confronting my H, I focused on communicating to him that I do not want a D, that I am willing to work on our issues, my own and help him with his but only if there is NC with OW. I "kept the road paved" back to the M if that is what he chose, but with the clear boundaries in place. I then backed off, took care of myself and the kids. I let the R with OW self-destruct. Which it did. When OW found out I knew everything, she thought that was her chance to push hard to get H to move out and move in with her. She showed her true colors in not caring about impact on me and kids. This was a huge wake up for H. I made myself "the better option".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Wow! I am new here and there's really a lot to learn from the forum!
I can really use some advice about setting boundaries. H's been having A since June this year and I suspect that it has something to do with MLC. Shortly after admitting the A in July, H said he needs time to consider the whole thing and I've been trying to give him the time and space. Until recently he seems to be drifting in between but he seems to be getting deeper and deeper into the A as OW's husband has moved out lately.
One thing that annoys me most is H chatting with OW almost every night on Facebook. I want to set some boundaries but really don't know how. I'm also worry that it might drive him out of the M or move out immediately. It is really a dilemma for me!
Wow! I am new here and there's really a lot to learn from the forum!
I can really use some advice about setting boundaries. H's been having A since June this year and I suspect that it has something to do with MLC. Shortly after admitting the A in July, H said he needs time to consider the whole thing and I've been trying to give him the time and space. Until recently he seems to be drifting in between but he seems to be getting deeper and deeper into the A as OW's husband has moved out lately.
One thing that annoys me most is H chatting with OW almost every night on Facebook. I want to set some boundaries but really don't know how. I'm also worry that it might drive him out of the M or move out immediately. It is really a dilemma for me!
BiBi
As I think Puppy posted similarly somewhere else in the last 24 hours, if you have that fear / worry, you're not going to be able to work on saving your M effectively.
There's plenty in this tread and forum on setting boundaries. "I will not live in an open relationship" is a good start. "You will not contact OW in my presence or in our home", "You will not spend our family finances on having an affair", or simply "You will stop contact with OW" are all worthy of considerations.
As I posted in your thread, take the time to absorb what you read here and think things through for yourself. And be prepared to pack his stuff and dump them on the lawn if he breaks your boundaries with OW (you can set him a deadline).
Boundaries are meaningless btw if you have no intention of enforcing them.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
It is important to understand the difference between boundaries and controlling behavior:
Originally Posted By: Deep
"I will not live in an open relationship" is a good start. "You will not contact OW in my presence or in our home", "You will not spend our family finances on having an affair", or simply "You will stop contact with OW" are all worthy of considerations.
Start Boundaries with I statements, not YOU statements: "I will not live in an open relationship"
"I will not tolerate you contacting OW in my presence or in our home"
I will not tolerate you spending our family finances on having an affair"
I will not tolerate you contacting OW"
Follow those statements with this thought process: If you continue this disrespectful behavior, I will take this action.
" I will not tolerate you contacting OW, If you continue contacting the OW, I WILL file for D."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I explained to him what transparency meant and that he would feel like I would be watching him 24/7 and he would feel like he was under the microscope.
"I understand how you could feel that way. I need the transparency to heal and regain trust. If you can't agree then it will lead to a divorce because I cannot live that way."
Validation of his feelings - Your need - Consequence of his behavior, which is his choice.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks R2C, forgot that basic rule of the "I" start .
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Rules, boundaries, and limitations - - Dogs need to know that their pack leader is clearly setting the rules, boundaries and limitations for their life both inside and outside the house. - Anger, aggression, or abuse toward the dog will not establish you as pack leader; an angry, aggressive leader is not in control. Calm-assertive energy and daily, consistent leadership behavior will make enforcing the rules easier.
Issues – If a dog doesn’t trust its owner to be a strong, stable pack leader, it becomes unclear about its correct role within the pack. A dog that is confused about who is in charge is actually concerned about the ability of the pack to survive, so it attempts to fill in the missing leadership elements, often erratically. This can cause aggression, anxiety, fear, obsessions, or phobias – what I call “issues”.
Calm-assertive energy – This is the energy you project to show your dog you are the calm and assertive pack leader. Note: assertive does not mean angry or aggressive. Calm-assertive means always compassionate, but quietly in control
HMMMM?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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