Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II)

[Ready2Change]

Coach, thanks for all the words of wisdom. This one stands out:

ps You can handle it.

[chatterbug]

You made your list friend. You made your list.

The thing about all of this is that what we were doing in the past was not working, but we did it anyway. We were blind. Now I at least see lots of choices to the way to deal with things, and then I calmly decide which way I want to RESPOND.

[Ready2Change]

A friend just sent me this. Fits in well w DB, GAL, PMA.



HANDBOOK FOR 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants...
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12 Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree....

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up..
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

[Ready2Change]

DETACH: How would you like it if she kept bringing up "divorce him now" sites and books on how to divorce... how to live a life alone without your husband. It would hurt. Let her deal with her emotions and thoughts. The more you cling. The more your hurting yourself. Back-off

You may not regain her love but at least you will regain her respect. Which is the foundation for any future interaction with her.

[Ready2Change]

Two years ago he dropped the bomb and left without looking back.
One year ago the divorce was official.
Today we were in court wrapping up the final piece of marital division.

In this time I've gone from devastated, desolate, struggling, limping, walking, skipping, dancing. The worst is long gone, the best becomes better.

[Ready2Change]

A lot of folks try to work their way backwards through this chain but it doesn't work that way. A woman will not be attracted to a man she doesn't respect and she will never respect a man who has no self-respect. Attraction starts with self-respect, confidence, integrity, etc., therefore, you have to go back to the beginning and focus on yourself and not your W.

It still applies. In fact, it will ALWAYS apply, as it is a Law of the Universe.

[Ready2Change]

You have to be willing to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you. Without a crisis/fear of loss, what would make them want you. Here's another newsflash, she has you, you don't have her. You want her, she doesn't want you. She can have you at any time and she knows it. You can't have her at anytime and you know this. Understand this, accept this, and learn to operate from this point of view. Your current way of thinking and approaching this is not doing you any favors: you're taking steps backwards, not forwards.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you by choice?

That is what she is saying to you:
"I have the choice to be with you, I know this, I just don't know that I want to be with you."

Read this, understand that this is where your W is right now.

I'll repeat it again,
she has you, she knows this, she can have you at any time that she wants you and it's not terribly exciting for her, especially considering the fact that she's pursuing other men. Look at the dynamic that's in place regarding this, she wants what she can't have, she doesn't want what she does have. You are conquered, easily attainable and human nature dictates that we usually don't appreciate what we have, we usually take it for granted and attribute little value to it. Human nature also dictates that we want what we don't have and we also don't want to be controlled. You are trying to convince her that your marriage is worth saving, even if you say you aren't directly communicating this, you are showing this in your body language, the topics you might discuss, the movies that you watch, etc.

You want to change this, you want to turn this around?

Detach.
Let go.
Drop the rope.
Move on with your life.
Get a life.
Make yourself scarce.
Go out regularly, come home late.
Limit your conversations with her.

Seriously the next conversation you have with her, if I were you I would say something like:
"... I get it, you don't want me anymore, you don't want to be in this relationship anymore, I understand now, I didn't get it before but I get it now and you know what, you're right, I don't want to be here with you either, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't choose to be with me? That's just dumb. You should be with "OM", in fact I think it's a great idea because seriously, I've been lying to myself, this relationship wasn't that great and I wasn't honest with myself, you aren't floating my boat either and maybe it's time I start to find out what it's like to be with other women who want to be with me, in fact I think this is a GREAT IDEA!"

[tangotake2]

[quote]

After having been on this DB path for so doggone long now, I see things differently now. Here's what I would like to add:

1. Work on bringing neutrality to each and every conversation.

2. Choose times and places where you have the best chance of communicating well. For me? I figured out a long time ago that Mr. Wonderful is very receptive to chats (even R chats) when he is in his car on his mobile phone. Now he initiates tough chats with me, and often he is able to do this from his office but the best conversations take place in his car.

3. Leave your emotions at the front door... or on your desk... or somewhere else.

4. Make concrete goals for the communication before you begin.

5. Quit playing the conversation out in your head before you even begin! That will sabotage your efforts to find solutions instead of more problems.

6. See the statements that hurt you as an opportunity to change behaviors, thoughts and actions.

7. Commit to listening and not defending your position.

8. Seek understanding before you ask to be understood. And mean it.

9. Dump the bag of expectations you carry. There is a big chance that you will be disappointed.

10. Try to adopt an attitude of "this is for the best". See your difficulties as a means of getting your prayers answered. You only find value in a rubber band when you apply tension to it.

Betsey

[Ready2Change]

Time to Plan A.

I am going to post something from a very smart person from another forum. The poster's name is pepperband.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

[Coach]

This guy did all the wrong things at first then really dropped the rope and detached. She treated him like dirt while he was pursuing and being a wuss. Once he let her go then she wanted him.

Scarlett: Rhett, Rhett... Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.