NC - W vanished ...

[chatterbug]

P I saw that movie Avatar today. If it is playing in your neck of the woods go see it. 3D... was very good. Good love story and things blow up.

Have you hit rock bottom yet P? Are you broken?

I hope so.

So you can get back up again.

And I really do think writing will help. You get to explore yourself. At first the words will be all over the place. But as time goes by. Something beautiful happens. You learn about yourself. You begin to form patterns and your writing gets better. Then you notice that you words become structured. Your thoughts are determined and you give yourself the truth darts that only you can give yourself.

[newmama]

BTW I meant that if your expectations are low regarding hearing anything from W, you will be happier- NOT meaning have low expectations in your overall life and marriage!

[P17]

Thanks again guys for the support.

Avermont:
Seeing OM at the shop was actually a surprise. Because of his sitch (ie. working for them in another town, poor sickness record etc.) I didn't think they would take him on. He now has two jobs I believe (I could be wrong) which is something I refused to in the M so that I can have the time with D (I only see her set times). I'll also take on board what you said about the parent and getting on with it. Thanks.

DBD:
I know what you are saying about things getting worse before they get better. I'm hoping that is the case. I'm not going to make any decisions about the ring yet. It may not seem important but it's another thing tying me to the M. I can't even bear to look at the ring and it's inscription so it's actually doing more harm than good in the drawer.

Newmama:

Always a pearl of wisdom and PMA! Thanks. I don't want to respond to your post with a lot of negative as it did give me a little boost this morning when I first read it.

I am questioning everything I know about OM. If he has two jobs he's certainly stepped up to the plate so to speak. When I saw him at the shop the other night he was very VERY happy. That sort of new relationship happy. That isn't something I mentioned before as it occurred to me after I wrote the original post.

The NC isn't really the problem for me as I know it's only been a month. I keep harking back to the same old stuff - no response about car seat (which as I said is quite important for my D, at least W thinks so) although I think MAYBE she is keeping that as payment for the xmas decorations she didn't get; wouldn't put it past her - no card, text, email about my mum to me (although my dad did get a card from her apparently).

I will continue the NC as nothing else will work. I can't go back to her now and say 'Hi' as it will be ignored. I need to keep NC for me, but it's been a tough few days. As far as expecting anything to happen - I don't actually thing anything will happen at all, let alone a few months.

Dating is something I'm looking at but the 'pool' in this area is tiny. I have been out on one date but it was a bit of a disaster. Wasn't ready,

With regards to FB page, negativity rules so I am saying nothing.

[P17]

P I saw that movie Avatar today. If it is playing in your neck of the woods go see it. 3D... was very good. Good love story and things blow up.

Would quite like to see it. Unfortunately the nearest cinema is now 110 miles from here ...

Have you hit rock bottom yet P? Are you broken?
I hope so.
So you can get back up again.

I haven't hit tock bottom yet cutter, but I do feel I am heading that way just now. I am trying to just let things go the way they are without fighting it. I did hear what Avermont said about the parent pulling you out of it but at the moment I feel like just letting this continue in the hope that I can once and for all step on it. Every time I fight it I feel like it's just pushing it out of the way to come back again. This time I just want to surrender to it and stop fighting to see where it takes me.

I feel that the feelings at the moment come from just one thing - hopelessness. I have read before about embracing that feeling but at the moment I'm not in the place to do it. I don't even know where to begin.

I have constantly conflicting feelings about the sitch and what I should do - the love I feel for W, the hate I feel for W, the pain I feel for what she has done to D, the realisation that this M is 100% over and there is nothing I can do to save it, the complete disregard for me and my feelings, the speed at which she has moved on with her life, her family abandoning me and D, her callousness with regards to my mum and finally her ability to erase 7 years of a relationship and 3.5 years of marriage in a matter of months. This has obviously been going on for a while, she didn't wake up one day and decide it but I feel complete and utter hopelessness at the moment and it's worse than when she left.

I don't know why something as small as the picture on FB that I was told about would trigger this, but it has. I feel spent. I feel done. I feel tired. I feel that I have made a huge mistake and that I gave my life to a woman who I adored and she betrayed me without a second thought.

And I really do think writing will help. You get to explore yourself. At first the words will be all over the place. But as time goes by. Something beautiful happens. You learn about yourself. You begin to form patterns and your writing gets better. Then you notice that you words become structured. Your thoughts are determined and you give yourself the truth darts that only you can give yourself.

I will try and write again. As I said before it brought a lot out of me so I don't like doing it but maybe that is the point?

I see my IC tomorrow so will hopefully see what she can help me with.

[Sakaro]

First time I've posted to you P17 but I have been following your story. I'm sorry for what you've gone thru, all I can say is I've been there and done that and it WILL get easier with a little more time.

My one bit of advice is to stay away from your wife's job. I thought it was a bad idea before the OM started working there. If you are doing no contact, then stick to your guns and mean it. I dont know if you are going into the store just to try to prove you are doing ok or what. You've asked your wife to not contact you. So why is it ok if you go into her job? No contact means NO CONTACT...not no contact unless I need some wine. Start shopping elsewhere. It will obviously be better for you mentally and only further drives home your point of not interacting with someone who is involved in an affair.

Dont sell your ring, you are still indeed married. Unless you have some super fancy ring the guy's ring isnt worth much anyway. If you get back together you'll be glad you kept the ring. If you dont, then wouldnt busting it with a hammer AFTER you are divorced serve you better than whatever small amount of money you might be able to get for it?

Having a spouse leave is hard for anyone, toss in the loss of your mom and you've been dealt a really unfair hand.

Other than the stopping by her work and how you handled the Christmas decorations I think you've done a great job. Keep it up and enjoy spneding alot of time with your daughter over the holidays.

[P17]

First time I've posted to you P17 but I have been following your story. I'm sorry for what you've gone thru, all I can say is I've been there and done that and it WILL get easier with a little more time.

As DBD said the other day, it will get worse before it get's better. It was bad the last few days but today things have picked up, however I do know why (see next post) and I'm not altogether happy with it.

My one bit of advice is to stay away from your wife's job. I thought it was a bad idea before the OM started working there. If you are doing no contact, then stick to your guns and mean it. I dont know if you are going into the store just to try to prove you are doing ok or what. You've asked your wife to not contact you. So why is it ok if you go into her job? No contact means NO CONTACT...not no contact unless I need some wine. Start shopping elsewhere. It will obviously be better for you mentally and only further drives home your point of not interacting with someone who is involved in an affair.

I quoted all of that because it is relevant. I read this post this morning. It's not 10.42pm here and I'm just replying as I have been digesting it all day.

I went back and read the bit in DR about LRT again. You're right. Going dark means actually going dark. No contact doesn't just mean no communication, it means NO VISIBILITY. I disappear off the radar, vanish, gone. No more going into her work at all. I was thinking I could go in after she finishes but again, no. This isn't what NC is about.

The only problem with this I have is that the store where she works has a lot of things I simply cannot get anywhere else and if it's an emergency I have a problem. If it's just normal goods, D's mum said she would go (and in fact went tonight for me). I will just need to play this by ear.

Dont sell your ring, you are still indeed married. Unless you have some super fancy ring the guy's ring isnt worth much anyway.

It's not actually about the money, it's more the symbol of it going.

If you get back together you'll be glad you kept the ring. If you dont, then wouldnt busting it with a hammer AFTER you are divorced serve you better than whatever small amount of money you might be able to get for it?

Perhaps. I will see how I feel on the D day.

Having a spouse leave is hard for anyone, toss in the loss of your mom and you've been dealt a really unfair hand.

Awaiting disaster number three ...

Other than the stopping by her work and how you handled the Christmas decorations I think you've done a great job. Keep it up and enjoy spneding alot of time with your daughter over the holidays.

Thanks Sakaro.

Can I ask how you think I handled the Xmas decorations badly? I felt this was a 180 for me. I also think this was also the start of the W moving on / going dark / NC / whatever you want to call it.

[P17]

I've got two threads running - on in Newcomers and one here. The one in Newcomers is about help with my plan, goals and where I got from here. This one is about W, life and me.

Small update.

Dad calls me today. W has sent him a condolence card and a letter. He was incredibly angry and the letter which he calls arrogant and started having a go at me to tell me W never to contact him again etc. I get him to calm down and by the end of the call he has apologised. No harm done, we're all emotional at the moment.

I asked him what the letter said and he read me two sentences - I told him just to send it to me with the card and I'll put it with the other stuff that is here. I am gathering a portfolio of stuff in case W thinks she can cite me for harassment (I sent her a rose before, and because of the sitch, told her I had done it and couldn't cancel it - she mentioned to one of our mutual friends that it was harassment even AFTER she texted me to thank me for sending it .... ahem ... anyway I digress). The sentence that got his blood up was:

'I am sorry for the delay in contacting you but I have only just been informed'

The informed bit is what annoyed him. Very formal. Very arrogant and while it's difficult to read anything into one word, I actually agree with him.

Maybe reading too much into it but for W this isn't what she'd normally say. Don't know. I get the impression maybe she thought she had a right to be informed.

Anyway, not reading anything else into a word. Just updating the journal. Will see the entire letter when it arrives.

[chatterbug]

They go all formal. Business like. It removes emotions from their words. But still they do the actions. Its rather ironic if you look at from the 10k level.
She still took the time to get and send a card.

But then she goes business like in the card. She F(*D up and burned a huge bridge. But her timeline is completely screwed up and she just does it. I find these things that the walk away does very interesting. 2 seperate people.

Bizzaro land. Did it go out on a thursday ?

[P17]

They go all formal. Business like. It removes emotions from their words. But still they do the actions. Its rather ironic if you look at from the 10k level.

That's it exactly. It removes emotions from their words! Business like speak is also a 'power speak' or 'control speak'. Yet again, if that is correct, they are seeking to exert power and control over the situation.

She still took the time to get and send a card.
But then she goes business like in the card. She F(*D up and burned a huge bridge.

This is what worries me. How is she supposed to 'come back' if she keeps burning all these bridges?!!?

But her timeline is completely screwed up and she just does it. I find these things that the walk away does very interesting. 2 seperate people.

What do you mean by this, particularly her timeline being screwed up?

Bizzaro land. Did it go out on a thursday ?

LOL .. I was going to call my dad by is 12.20am here so he will be in bed probably. I will tell you something though - the friend I spoke to at her work TOLD her on a Thursday ...

WTF is it about Thursday's?

[Day by Day]

OMG... Thursdays are H's days too! WTH?! Hmph... Xmas eve is on Thurs. He is harassing me about that day. I'm so glad I have my support group meetings on those nights. I always seem to need it after H's craziness.