Yes it's ME (robx) and I'm looking for advice...

[CityGirl]

The last line I typed should read "what you see the WAS as changes drastically". IOW, maybe they were not all that you thought they were.

My H told me just a month ago he would do whatever he had to do to heal our R, he knew all that work would fall on him and it would be a long road and one day he yearned to earn my trust and respect back. Never heard from him again after that. Talk is cheap.

[gucci loafer]

But I can't allow lies & dishonesty back in my life, after purging that filth from my life I can pretty much guarantee you and anyone else that I won't live with that anymore and I don't want to be anyone that doesn't value me or the relationship they have with me.

I "WON'T" allow lies and dishonesty back in my life.

There is your answer.
She REPRESENTS the lies and dishonesty. Your answer is to let her go through the crisis. Right now you CAN'T take her back. MUST not take her back. That means no casual or sex with benefits or whatever else you have been having with her. NONE, zilch. Let her FEEL and see that you are SERIOUS (or are you?)

By your own words you say she has lied for a long long time. There is your evidence of lies and dishonsetly being part of her. You can't get her true true respect until you FINALLY back up what you keep saying you mean UNLESS you follow through with those words with some action.


I am glad to finally see you take some action. She is finally getting a clue that you may just be serious. I believe you need to put her through a crisis of at least 6 months or more and gauge her reactions and actions from a distance.


Now for the part about needing to know what happened and details of the past... You are going about it the wrong way..

You PRESSURED her. Pressure doesn't work. Don't do that. You won't get the truth from her until she feels you are totally done and let her know that it is too LATE for the truth and you could care less anymore. However you don't think about taking her back unless she does come clean. She will when you take off the pressure by keeping on the path you are on. It will be the CRISIS that will get her to tell you the truth. Not pressure, but the crisis.

I even told her to spill the beans on the guys that I know that she had affairs with and she still couldn't spill the beans, she had to hold on to those lies, telling me it wasn't as bad as I assumed it was (how bad does it have to be?!) and she told me that even if she told me the details, how would she know for certain I would take her back - my reply was pretty much "Well you know for certain that I'm not taking back someone who is dishonest & lying to my face, you have my 100% guarantee on that", the conversation continued for a bit like this and I told her that she was just repeating the same thing over & over again and lying to me was just her attempt to control me and my reactions to what she had done and I wouldn't put up with that anymore.

This was all pressure. That doesn't work. You are trying to make a liar be an honest person. You first have to completely reject the liar and then put her in a crisis to WANT to be an honest person because she see that YOU are only "attracted" to honest women. She has to be in the kind of crisis that people are in on this site. The kind of crisis where she is asking others HOW to win you back and they tell her to work on herself and learn to be honest. She will then do it all on her own...


Face the reality Rob. She is a liar. Move away from liars. Stop trying to make a liar an honest person. The only way you can get them to change is for them to go through a major crisis that puts them in such panic that they do WHATEVER it takes. You have never gotten her to that point. Now is you opportunity. Don't waste it.


And do NOT forget about dating. It is a must. Kitty cats compete...

[4luv]

I agree with gucci...she is at the beginning of the crisis. Can't take her back too soon.

BTW...gucci I have just been reading some of your posts after looking at your advice to britt. If you have a chance could you look over my stitch. I am just moving out tomorrow and hope to create a crisis for my husband. your advice is needed on what moves and mindset i should be in.

[smith18]

The "Loafer" parked one in the right field bleachers!

Right now, it is as if she has just gotten the bomb most of us have gotten in the past. You are more like the WAS and she the LBS. She is in the begging/pleading mode and for her to have any hope with you, she is going to need to reach out on her own and learn how to DB.

[brownidmom]

If she ever comes clean, will you always wonder if there's something more she's not telling you because she has lied so many times?

I haven't had any affairs, emotional or physical, but because I lied to my H about my past, he thinks I am still lying.

[sandi2]

I can't see any changes that your W has made. What good would it do to allow her to come home to you if nothing has changed? The only change I see in the stitch now and when you first came on board.....is your personal changes. That is good, but "she" hasn't done anything that I can see.

I think she still tries to control you by using sex. You may have seen it as fun, exciting, or whatever........but she was using it as a control hold on you. She knows that that has been your weak area....her body.

When you approached her about coming out of limbo and trying to have a R together (instead of just wild monkey sex), she didn't seem to have a problem turning you down. But as soon as you let her know you would be moving on......then that was her clue to play her game--but when she didn't get her way...she threw her usual fit (as I recall). Isn't that what she has always done when she didn't get her way?

So now she sees you as unavailable and she is getting overly obsessed with pursuing you. You know what you would tell another poster here on the board. You have good advice, Rob, so turn it around and use it on yourself.

I think she has had sex with somebody close to you. I think it would be a turn-on (to her) to accomplish that. It's not only a power thing for her, but it was somebody that should have been hands-off to her. Thus.....added excitement and challenge. (Kind of like you are to her, at the moment.)

She sees the changes you've made in yourself and she knows that if she tells you everything....it will be a dealbreaker for you.

You have this thing called self-respect.....and she knows that, now. So....unless you see that she is making changes in herself, why would you think she would even stop at having A's with OM if the two of you got back together? I think it is needs to go futher than her giving you details.

[Steve McQueen]

"You want the "truth"?"

"You really want the "truth"?"

Rob, honestly, man you do not want the details. It is not as simple as you say "pre-conceived notions."

It a MF'ing vision that will never go away once you really know.

You might think it does then one day a year or two or five or seven years down the road you are sitting at the kitchen table having a beer then BAM like a god''damn horror film the whole scene changes and BZZZZZZZZ its in your mind and thats all you see suddenly and you are pissed off for good.

It comes back from time to time before that, here and there. Anything you hear about it from her, things they did, places, stupid things like they drank budwiser, well $hit, hate the king of beers, you are drinking PBR from now on. He had an SUV. You'll never want to get in one again. and honestly, you might never put your mouth down there again.

and find out who he is 2 years later? you wont beat the daylights out of the guy next time you see him? honestly Rob, think about it.

Little F'ing details of this and that? they get in the crevices of your mind and mess you up down the road. Ask people who have been there. they are not the ones whose marriages survived infidelity.

When I read these young guys whose wife is having an affair or worse on her second or third and he professing his unconditional love to her in his posts, I some times sit back and think he hasnt seen it yet. He doesnt get the visions. There isnt really anyway to warn him. He wont listen; he isnt listening to anything anybody who isnt trying to comfort him is saying anyway.

So, I'm just giving you something to think about. A little counter-intuititive version of what you think it might be like for you.

strength, confidence, self respect have nothing to do with it; its some guy porking your wife and hearing the details from her mouth and then living with her and that knowledge afterwards. its hard to supress.

maybe she wont tell you because she knows you will walk away. should walk away after hearing.

[Steve McQueen]

Rob. Since you asked for advice, comments, I will give you mine.

Let her go, move on, go forward with the divorce. Not for her; to force changes in her. But for you.

You see yourself. You are not the same person you were 2-3 years ago. You are more confident, self-respecting, thoughtful. But you never actually moved on with your life. pseudo-moved-on. Your wife, your marriage, your issues were always still there. They have guided you along this path you have taken. (I have read your posts; you have given us a very interesting autobiography of a man who has learned a lesson from being walked upon.) But you have yet to experience life without them.

Do you really know yourself?

You still think about your wife; you still question in your mind about her; you still wonder if I do this or that what will she do. Will she become the woman I want her to be? (or something similiar) Magic eight ball says, none of them will ever be forever. They all fart, and have periods, talk on the phone, leave their bras laying around, and get sick of us from time to time all the same. Time to stop considering your wife completely. It is an important step forward in your growth as a person.

pseudo-moved-on. You have yet to experience love after your wife. Finding that special person that completely turns your world upside down with emotions. Infatuation. It is a powerful change of thinking. Infatuation that turns into love. You talk about that so often in your posts, but do you really know what it feels like. What it does to Robx?

Experience that Rob, before getting back together with your wife. You will view your entire world differently after that. That I can promise you. The rest is just speculation.

[Sleepy]

Robx,

If you love her, give her another chance. That is, if she is willing to work on the relationship and move forward and improve it. I know how you feel.... You want to know everything. I think she is ashamed and humiliated to tell you about it. I suppose the why would be sufficient.

[chatterbug]

Rob. Since you asked for advice, comments, I will give you mine.

Let her go, move on, go forward with the divorce. Not for her; to force changes in her. But for you.

You see yourself. You are not the same person you were 2-3 years ago. You are more confident, self-respecting, thoughtful. But you never actually moved on with your life. pseudo-moved-on. Your wife, your marriage, your issues were always still there. They have guided you along this path you have taken. (I have read your posts; you have given us a very interesting autobiography of a man who has learned a lesson from being walked upon.) But you have yet to experience life without them.

Do you really know yourself?

You still think about your wife; you still question in your mind about her; you still wonder if I do this or that what will she do. Will she become the woman I want her to be? (or something similiar) Magic eight ball says, none of them will ever be forever. They all fart, and have periods, talk on the phone, leave their bras laying around, and get sick of us from time to time all the same. Time to stop considering your wife completely. It is an important step forward in your growth as a person.

pseudo-moved-on. You have yet to experience love after your wife. Finding that special person that completely turns your world upside down with emotions. Infatuation. It is a powerful change of thinking. Infatuation that turns into love. You talk about that so often in your posts, but do you really know what it feels like. What it does to Robx?

Experience that Rob, before getting back together with your wife. You will view your entire world differently after that. That I can promise you. The rest is just speculation.

Ditto.