Calling out the Piecers

[dday101798]

Done,

Sessions requested, nicotine in the lungs, and 2 more hours til Miller time.

I knew suppressing all the bad things would not be easy, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. I stabilized. It's so easy to not think of all that happened when we're together, minus the weird way she acts with her phone, and I know why, and when I ask, she will tell me if he's contacted or not.

Either way, I am of the mindset, this is a long road to travel, and lots of time to the destination. And should we breakdown before reaching that destination, then it is what it is and I'd rather it before than after. I can however tell through her that she is terribly remorseful for all she's done.

But the moment we part, my mind starts to flutter and the un-nerving "what-if" questions start up. And that's where things have to change. Because if it doesn't I can see myself becomming a sort of control freak and bombarding her every moment she's running late or something if and when we are fully back together again, and that I will simply not tolerate of myself no matter how entitled I may be.

[dday101798]

Uh-oh.

As if I wan't already having issues with OM and the nasty things (x)W did, enter issue 3 for the day.

We'll just say that aside from prior to when things started to fall apart, we certainly did not have a sex starved marriage. Even more so, the month we spent together inbetween in-house seperations before the A, was AMAZING in that respect. Thus, there's been a tension building in that respect since day one of where we're at now.

Suffice it to say, that tension has hit a level it can no longer be ignored.

So, inbetween some rather saultry messages this morning, I asked (x)W a couple of times if we could get together for a drink or two after I get off work. And the final time she asked to firm up a time to meet, she said "for the night?". And she's serious. I repectfuly took a rain check (didn't want to, but...) but as wonderful as that sounds, now enters the nagging voice: "you don't know where she's been, what she's done, what she may now have" blah blah blah.

She's adiment to set this up to! Probably for Saturday I mean, she's dman attractive, and I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I ain't so bad either (out dated FB pictures do no justice). A girl friend of hers I met last night described me as 'yummy', and (x)W misses that.

Other than the what-ifs, this is a major step in our R. How soon is too soon? I know every sitch takes it own course. I just don't want to set myself up for potentialy even worse emotional instability when we take that step, but at the same time, I can't help myself.

What to do, what to do?

[mishka422]

Dylan, hopefully you have calmed a bit more now.

I find it nearly impossible to read the newbies stories or help out there. It makes my blood boil or makes me horribly upset. I'm no help to them if my mind goes to dark places. Someday I'll be able to help, but not until my thoughts are under control. You seem to be experiencing the same thing.

Definitely keep posting re: your sitch but try to steer clear of the newbies for now, it brings too much of your past to the forefront which won't help your piecing.

[dday101798]

Hey mish, I threw in another update at the same time you posted.

Oh, I stay full and well away from the newbie section when I know it will strike a chord. I've gotten better with that and am there a little bit more now.

This event, is not with a newbie. I do concider it now a done deal since calming down, not so much at the person involved, I wish them well on their sitch, but the issues involved, the memories it sparked and the potential unfortunate outcome for that person and their family. I've said my peace and that's all I can do.

Anyway, I must say, my sitch is definately heating up, and it's cold outside. So I'm in a catch 22. I hope I can figure my digital camera out and get pictures of tomorrow with all of us together, especially with (x)W and finally update my darn lack-luster FB.

[mishka422]

Yeah, seriously! Your FB needs some new stuff buddy!

You are right, every sitch is different and every person has their triggers.

IMO, if you can get your mind off of the "I don't know where she's been" thoughts then proceed with caution. If those thought are overriding then you may need to delay for your own sanity.

Example? This may be TMI, but I'll share for the greater good.

Gabe came home twice after he bombed and left. During his first return home we ML once and I felt like I was being used as a substitute for the broom even though he claimed that he wanted our M and not her. The problem with that was that he wouldn't cut off contact with her so I knew it wasn't really over. The second time he came home we ML a few times and the emotional connection was better, it was like an inferno, however my mind was still telling me that this was not about me and him, but about his need to feel that he wasn't destroying his family.

When he left again to go back to her, it was the final nail in the coffin holding my self-respect. If you have any inkling that OM is still sniffing around and she teeters at all......BACK AWAY QUICKLY. It could lead to very bad things for your mental health.

That's all I've got for ya on that one. Not an easy decision at all. The libido wants what it wants regardless of our logical minds.

Good luck!!!

[dday101798]

Thanks Mish.

No I'm 100% certain this is not a 'substitute' issue. We had several degrees and ways to tell which reason why we were ML. We had the 'for you's', for me's, the for the both, the just for the hell of it, for excercise, and the list goes on and my all time favorite, makeup.

I know there' s no gimmick here. I'm just worried about my inner voices getting the better of me.

As far as OM goes, she has been open about any interactions. Yeah, sometimes I have to poke her a bit, but she comes clean on what was said and why. There is zero trace of him ever being at 'her house' tho. And she has been addiment to state that they never had sex (eeewwwwwwww) in her father's house. And in her own way, she says they weren't all that active with each other anyway (double eeeewwwwwwww ) Me on the other hand, I had my friend with benefits there for a while, and well, what can I say? So, I get we're on a two way street with that one.

EDIT - So in reading this, I think it was more of an EA for her, and he wanted it PA, of which she obviously went along to some degree.

[WalkingMan]

Careful what you beleive, man. It's sounding like your buying everything she selling and she has you right where she wants you.

Stay a strong man on your own. Be someone she respects and she will fight for.

[dday101798]

Oh my goodness, am I SO glad the weekend is over.

Little lesson learned, you can patch up and piece with your X all you want and be happy and content. BUT, some folks may not like that too much.

Christmas eve, good night, my cousin was a bit down, but spending time with our neighbors. Her younger son stopped by and in the blink of an eye, we decided to add some Christmas feel to the house and put up the full size tree versus the litte table topper Charlie Brown she had out. She seemed appreciative and well off with. We opted to finish cleaning in the morning and head ff to bed early.

Christmas day, we all got up at 6am, had some coffee and finished the cleaning. All the while, (x)W had never finished up plans for what time she wanted me to pick them up. Apparently she up late the nihgt before wrapping presents and all. So, I gave her some time, but with the constraint I HAD to be back by around 12:30 to get dinner rolling.

Well, (x)W wanted me to be there for the kids to open their presents so we were running a bit late, not too bad 1:00ish, including a stop off that my cousin asked me to do for her. All seemed to be going well, dinner was being rushed but nearly on-time, and everybody seemed to be receptive of (x)W's return. We were using the neighbors kitchen to cook the ham and some potatoes that I was in charge of. So, I went to glaze the ham and (x)W offered to help carry stuff back, along with S12.

The ham was running just a few minutes behind, so instead of 10 it was about 15, so (x)W and I had stayed there with S12, had a smoke and got evrything done. No sooner than I pull the ham out of the oven, my cousin comes barreling through the door, ranting that the "reunion is next door" and all this stuff I ahve no idea what the hell happened.

I tried to explain the ham running slow, but she wanted no part of it as to insinuate (x)W and I ahd some wild fling going on in the neighbors house. She really belittled me and made me feel like I used to when my parents were actually around. I bit my tongue as long as I could before snapping and everything turned into a screaming match, insults flying and me defending (x)W like no other.

Cousnins sons put her in check finally and calmed her down as I was rustling to get the kids and (x)W together and just leave, and almost permanently. In the end, cousin says it was all about her H (deceased) and being lonely, and her sons validated what she has done time and time again and I've called her out on before, is that when she gets upset, she picks a target and goes for it. This time around, it was me (again) for having a second chance at a family again.

Completely insane it was. She was accusing me of being out all hours of the night alst week, "partying" with (x)W when we WERE SHOPPING.

She's apologized time and time again, but I can't take this anymore and it's time to go. It's a new year, new decade and just time to re-gain my life. Thank god I've already booked session with the Psych.

Otherwise, things with (x)W are great. Despite all the chaos of Christmas, we're doing very well. She spent the night on Christmas. Her, I and S11 shcked up on the bed. All we did was hold each other to sleep and man do I miss that.

Satruday, (x)W wanted some "us time" to make up for the disaster that Christmas was. Unfortuantely she ended up being sick with a stomache bug and her uncle wasn't home yet to anhg with the boys. So, since I was already there, we just hung out a bit and watched some TV while I held her, so nice, until I shortly ended up being sick. Ended up staying with her for the second night in a row, and althogh sick, it was heavenly.

Turns out, what she really wanted to do was grab something to eat and then "stay somewhere" for the night.

O-well, pleanty of time for that to come.

We are however very intent to live together soon. (x)FIL said he'd sell (our) house for a reasonable price to her. So, I don't know. It just seems like maybe our best chance is to just move away as extened family on both sides is just not accepting this in anyway.

So be it in our house or an apartment, we can't take being aprt much longer. I have gotten a lot of re-assurance from (x)W that things with OM weren't all they were cracked up to be and that I needent worry about anything. I did say again, she needs to understand when I do.

So, that completes the Christmas from hell.

[dday101798]

Careful what you beleive, man. It's sounding like your buying everything she selling and she has you right where she wants you.

Stay a strong man on your own. Be someone she respects and she will fight for.

Hey sg,

I appreciate reminder. But, no selling here. Folks are just going to have believe when I say, she resented what she did while doing it (hence all the weird quandries I ahd about everything) and she is certainly resentful now and very remorseful and I am in the driver's seat and in order to keep on trucking with this, she is supplying the fuel.

As far as stong and one to respect, well, in light of the event with my family on Christmas, I'm willing to suck it up and spend New Years with her, in 'our' house, for yet another potential disaster with now her family, but also so that we can both stand tall for what we believe in.

[RonD]

Hey, Dday, sounds to me like you have a pretty good handle on things. Glad to here that things are going so well.