NC - W vanished ...

[newmama]

The girl is so easy to talk to it's difficult to not get carried away

.
Haha! I have this quality as well...can get anyone to open up!

She gives me the impression there is no chance of any reconcilliation. W has moved on completely with her new life. She kept telling me it was good that I had come to terms with it all being over.

P, I HAVE to remind you that in the big picture, these few months are nothing. Just based on the stories I have read! If you want it to be over, fine. But seriously, it is too soon to tell. Sorry to throw optimism at you but the OM is nothing compared to you!!! She WILL realize this eventually.

[P17]

Hi Newmama,

I love your optimism and I wish I had it. But then maybe not having it is a good thing!

I have optimism and pessimism all in the one day. Feeling good though. Today has been fun. Had a good xmas day. Had a good xmas dinner. Had good presents (until somebody bought me 'Release the beast' thong .. anybody that watches Scrubs have a look at Todd ... you know what I got).

Anyway.

No idea if W will come around. Hate to disagree with you Newmama but I do. I think that may well be my protection mechanism cutting in, however I am trying very hard not to care. Whatever W and OM get up to is their business.

I have YET AGAIN heard more stuff about yesterday.

W was cuddling D while D was crying and W was telling her she loved her (didn't hear that before) and while blaming me and D's mum for stopping contact. Quite annoyed at W, but hey ho it's D's decision whether to speak to her or not.

I also asked D to speak to MIL this morning and she did so for about 15 minutes (which is unusual for D - she will either speak to you all day or for 5 seconds - no in betweens!). MIL texted me after thanking me for the call and saying she enjoyed speaking to D and offering her fondest regards for Xmas - to be honest this threw me! Didn't think I'd get that from MIL. Anyway, I responded saying hope to see her in 2010.

W tried to call me this morning but I was in the shower. I do have software on my phone to reject calls from W, however I missed a digit (I put a 5 instead of a 7)! I can guess why she was calling but she didn't leave a message, call back or leave the present with me or D's mum. She could easily have dropped the present off or otherwise got it to us very easily. She chose not to do that. That was her choice. I still hold the view that she is trying to use D against us (ie. 'your mum and dad are stopping me seeing you')

Had a good day. Hope you all did too.

[newmama]

I still hold the view that she is trying to use D against us (ie. 'your mum and dad are stopping me seeing you')

It sounds like your W feels guilty and is blaming you so she looks less like the bad guy!

W was cuddling D while D was crying and W was telling her she loved her (didn't hear that before) and while blaming me and D's mum for stopping contact. Quite annoyed at W, but hey ho it's D's decision whether to speak to her or not.

I missed something...when were they together?

Glad you had a good day, P! Mine was 80% good!

[P17]

It sounds like your W feels guilty and is blaming you so she looks less like the bad guy!

She's been doing that since day 1 with stories of the A (which wasn't an A apparently). Now it's using my D. I have it under control though, at least I feel a do. Time will tell.

W was cuddling D while D was crying and W was telling her she loved her (didn't hear that before) and while blaming me and D's mum for stopping contact. Quite annoyed at W, but hey ho it's D's decision whether to speak to her or not.

I missed something...when were they together?

On Thursday when D spoke to W in the store. It was just more stuff I heard tonight. I keep having to piece together little bits of stories from different places. Just continue to be flabergasted (now there is a word I haven't heard in a while!) at the situation. W is simply not getting the message to leave us alone.

Glad you had a good day, P! Mine was 80% good!

Your thread is next on my list!

Another mini update.

Got two calls this morning. One from an Unknown number (which is unusual for my mobile and on Boxing Day!) and one from W's friend (the one I visited with a present for her son on Xmas Eve).

Unfortunately (or fortunately) I am a tad hungover today with Xmas festivities to was in bed and didn't want to answer. The strange thing is that the calls were about 10 seconds apart. I thought maybe it was W trying to speak to me again about D's present. No voicemail was left again - no point I suppose ion leaving one, emailing me or texting me as I just ignore them. If she speaks to me at least she can't ignore me!

[newmama]

I wonder if you are right about the unknown number...if it was W. WHy doesn't she just drop off the gift at your door? Why call you? Why do you think? I could see it as being she is sick of going through IM and hoped she could just call you directly by catching you off guard with the blocked number. Maybe she was hoping to wish you a Merry Christmas too?

In my thread, you talked about the fact that NC might make it easier for some WSs who don't like conflict like your W to carry on without their A because they think you have moved on and on the other hand they don't want to fight for the M if they think you are done with it.

The thing about it is that I look back to my dating days; if I wanted to date someone and hadn't heard from them, I did not give up on contacting them. But the same happened in reverse...the guys that wanted to date me persisted on calling even if I didn't return a call (was busy or something--not playing games). If I flat out said "sorry, it's not working out" they stopped calling. Same for me if the guy said it to me.

So when NC is arranged with either a letter explaining the conditions for contact (reconcile or end the relationship) or no letter at all, this seems to be the same message as someone just not returning your call. If NC was arranged after BS said "I am done. Idon't want to hear from you ever again." Then I could see the conflict avoidant/weak WS thinking "okay, the BS really is over me. I won't ever bother going back or asking to R."

[P17]

I wonder if you are right about the unknown number...if it was W. WHy doesn't she just drop off the gift at your door? Why call you? Why do you think? I could see it as being she is sick of going through IM and hoped she could just call you directly by catching you off guard with the blocked number. Maybe she was hoping to wish you a Merry Christmas too?

LOL ... sorry newmama. A woman who didn't even send me a condolence card for my mum isn't wanting to visit me to wish me a Merry Xmas!

She isn't going through IM as I asked her to. That's about control IMO (ie. I'm not listening to P, I will do my own thing).

She won't drop the gifts off at the door. That's about controlling D.

She is trying to call me (two days in a row) so that she can ask if it's okay to give D the presents. That is also about control and her 'appearance' in D's mind.

If I say to her on the phone it's okay to give D the presents. She wins and looks good to D.

If I say to her no on the phone to give D the presents. She wins and looks good to D (and also we look bad).

Either way she can't lose.

The only way to get out of it is to not do anything and put the onus on her to get the present to D. MIL did it easily enough. She can do it too. Now her 'appearance' in D's mind is actually on her own shoulders and has nothing to do with mum or dad ...

So when NC is arranged with either a letter explaining the conditions for contact (reconcile or end the relationship) or no letter at all, this seems to be the same message as someone just not returning your call. If NC was arranged after BS said "I am done. Idon't want to hear from you ever again." Then I could see the conflict avoidant/weak WS thinking "okay, the BS really is over me. I won't ever bother going back or asking to R."

Before I sent the NC letter, I said to W that the M was over, I had a narrow escape and didn't want her back. Then I sent the NC letter about 6 weeks later. I told her friend the other night that I had moved on with my life and the marriage was dead. I also told her though that if W doesn't want to be D's step-mum then she should leave us alone. I did reiterate that several times. So to me, I am saying marriage is dead but we can still reconcile (which makes sense to us I think but probably not to WAS's). Not sure if that is a mixed message or not.

My thinking is that W has moved on anyway so won't care about any of that. Friend was very supportive of me moving on and encouraging. She gave me the impression and almost let slip that there are things going on in the background. Engagement? Babies? The impression I got was it was something big. However she also gave me the impression that she didn't know other small stuff such as OM working in the same store as W etc.

As has been said in here a few times, W is moving on with her life and is unlikely to be giving me or D a second thought at all (it's Xmas so that may be slightly less true than normal but normal service will resume in a few days). So not sure how to be dealing with things just now. Looking for a break after all the 'drama' and really just to be completely left alone by W until she removes her head from her a$$. Friend agrees with me about what I did with NC and has explained that to W (and she has clearly completely ignored her) but hopefully it will filter down again.

[newmama]

I see what you mean about why she would probably call!It makese sense unfortunately. P, do you feel your muscles ripping through your shirt? You are seriously staying so strong at this NC business!!

I also told her though that if W doesn't want to be D's step-mum then she should leave us alone.

W is not leaving you alone. just stating facts; not being optimistic.swear.

So to me, I am saying marriage is dead but we can still reconcile (which makes sense to us I think but probably not to WAS's). Not sure if that is a mixed message or not.

it is messy-
We must state things in simple and direct terms with foggy WASs!!
But your letter was really direct and strong! Short and to the point! She got that letter and you've barely wavered in NC; actions keeping true to your words in the letter.

Friend was very supportive of me moving on and encouraging. She gave me the impression and almost let slip that there are things going on in the background.

big deal--does not raise any concern to me on outside looking in.

So not sure how to be dealing with things just now. Looking for a break after all the 'drama' and really just to be completely left alone by W until she removes her head from her a$$.

Same here...could really use a break at least. But NC will only offer you protection as long as THEY leave US alone.

[chatterbug]

Hey P tried your number again. Did you get my message.... Its 2:40AM here..

[wifeleft2009]

Same here...could really use a break at least. But NC will only offer you protection as long as THEY leave US alone.

No kidding in my stitch i was doing great! had the thoughts but in general i was so much better with NC but once W made contact again.. and again ect... it sent me right back to about square one

because we have kids the judge allowed this.. infact dispite the trouble W has caused at my home and my pref. of all exchanges done at the co. dept. the judge allowed her to have exchanges here wtf???

[chatterbug]

Hey P. You sound better. Found the ground again.

Good to hear myfriend.