Intersestingly enough, my D and I had the "dad" conversation today. She had a drawing she'd made that said "Dad" on it and I asked if it was for me. She told me that it was for XW's new finacee and I have to admit it was hard to hide my disappointment.
She even asked "Are you upset?" To which I answered, that it is ok for to call XW's finacee "whatever she feels comfortable with calling him. However, there will never be anyone who will be her real "Daddy" but me. Call (name) whatever you want, Baby."
I may have been wrong, but it just came out.
So, I know where you are w/this. I really, really do.
I've seen the drawings with Ed, XW, myself and both kids in the picture.
Here is the advice the guy I work for gave me which is similar to M in Tennessee...
Quote:
As disgusting and frustrating as the entire thing is, I would try extremely hard not to let the title bother you nor fight it. I would just try to get them to call him Ed around you so "you" don't get confused… even if you wouldn't. Your real title may feel a bit challenged today, but it won't be for long as they soon will be old enough for it to start bugging them all on their own. In the end, nothing will diminish your real role as their dad and thus to stay true to the title, you can't let what Ed is "titled" bother you... its simply not true and never will be.
Your XW is terrible.. what a nightmare... no mother should ever allow such a hurtful thing to happen.
I had a different kind of first meeting this afternoon at a coffee shop - S9 was along. My plan was to drop him off at chinese school and walk nearby to the coffee shop for the meet up. Opps - school does not resume until next week. So I called her while she was on the way and let her know the situation and she seemed ok with the junior chaperone hanging out at the table behind ours.
I was so proud of my son being patient while she and I chatted. He has no problem keeping himself occupied (I found some dominoes at the coffee shop). Plus, she tells me that her son is so very similar to mine in personality.
Hey Lodo, they boy zipped through the book you mentioned. The other one was more detailed and he read all of that too. He had no questions, although he did not seem all that enthusiastic to eat his eggs this morning.
Yes, this thing with the OM calling your kids "his" kids and worse the kids calling the OM "dad" is disgusting. But like a lot of what's reported here one has to learn to swallow the hurt because society has gotten sooo screwed up and we can't say anything to the kids that would make mom look bad as they are half mom and so may end up blaming themselves. The kids as a result don't clearly get right from wrong; I believe this sort of "popular psychology" thinking in itself is the most harmful for them. You or the "authorities" are not supposed to tell hour kids - listen what your Mom did and continues to do is hurtful and not right, you must keep your promises and not lie or cheat others and cause all this emotional and financial damage. For all we know the judge in court could have cheated on his wife or been married 4 times. So instead we "live and let live" and have "no-fault D" going from one husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend to the next. And "sanctity of marriage" pretty much means "marriage between one woman and one man at a time" instead of "marriage for life between one man and one woman who strive to love and cherish each other". Whatever happened to "adultery" and counseling to save marriages? Instead I see men beating themselves up while their WAWs are openly screwing around and women DBing their a$$ off while their H is secretly cheating on them. And then we have all the "conflict", "emotional abuse", etc.
What's my solution? I think a man caught cheating should give his wife the right to carry his testicles in her purse and a woman caught cheating should be made to walk naked thru' the town square with a capital A tattooed permanently on her forehead. And every married couple should renew their marriage license every 3 years with testing, counseling and refresher courses in conflict management, romance, child rearing, in-law studies, etc. Sounds bizarre but I bet this way there would probably be less need to DB!
I agree with the 'touch up/renewed' marriage counseling. After all the pressure points change over time with the addition of children, aging parents, job stresses, growth or lack of growth over time. Although couples retreats are available, most people figure they don't need them or unwilling to air their dirty laundry.
What is needed is a massive campaign to change people's opinion of how to nurture a longterm relationship.. like MADD (which started with one mother of a child killed by a drunken driver) or some celebrity living the endorsement.. like Katie Couric heightening awareness of colonoscopies because of her husband's untimely death due to colon cancer.
Changes in perceptions make something that was abhorrent or easy to dismiss routine, expected, grudgingly accepted, even embraced. In the end couples, individuals would feel good, not stupid or embarrassed to repoint the foundation.
Oh yes... I never knew that carrying an male appendage that's not visible unless in Speedos concealed in a purse could be as mortifying and gut wrenchingly embarrassing as a woman (whose weight is sacrosanct much less how much their boobies flop in the breeze) walking naked and unprotected in public with a tattoo on her forehead.
I guess that's why frontal male nudity is such a taboo. On the upside, the woman would only have to carry a small clutch.
I think I am with fb2 on this one. I too look at the "pop-psy" advice we get today and while I understand the basic motivation, I still wonder where you draw the line here. At what point does the behavior of the other parent become so harmful or outrageous that you have to call a spade a spade here even to your children? Larceny? Armed robbery? Murder? Serial Murder?
I know some of you will make the obligatory and tired argument that neither infidelity or D are on the same level as said capitol offenses. But you have to agree at some point one needs to draw the line or else you might as well admit to having no value system to live by and model for your children. There is a point where the elephant is in the room and no one can deny it, and thus defense of the other parent's reputation then takes a definite back seat to guiding your children towards valuing moral integrity.
It's none of your business what the kids call the new spouse/significant other.
It's about what works for the kids who are struggling between having two households, two families.
When the former spouse scooted off into a committed relationship, I vowed to be as good a person coming out of the divorce as going in. I failed.. because I became a better person.
Putting my ego aside, I told my daughter once in the company of her friends (who brought up the subject) that if there was another family that was willing to open up their hearts to love and treasure her, have her best interests at heart then who am I to deny that opportunity?
When a divorce happens and a family is shredded there's more than enough hurt to go around. I'd hate to compound it by making the children feel they have to protect me. Granted, it takes time to get over the fear that you're being replaced. But you're the parent, you're the adult.
It's kinda like King Solomon and the baby who was claimed convincingly by two women. His decision to split the baby in half made one of the women renounce her claim to the child. And she was given the baby because only a mother would make that sacrifice, to ensure the child was whole and no longer hers rather than destroyed.
A divorce sucks.. but for many of us, it's the reality. It is what it is.
And as long as I carry blame in my heart, anger toward the former spouse the more the past controls my present.
It's a choice. Terrible things happen in life.. like Hurricane Katrina wiping out a city, Christmas tsunamis, plague, famine. But people pick up the pieces and continue in life. And that's the example I want to set for my children.
It's not the fall that defines the person, but how they get up.
