First off, New Years, awesome, th ehotel was right nect to the concert venue, the show was amazing, partying in a friggen tent in Chicago on New Years, can't beat it. Of course, by the time we got there, all the food was gone, but plenty of booze to go around. Except the toast at midnight, so we scrambled over to the bar as the servers "ran out" of the complementary champaign! WTF? they did not plan this out. Little to say I was pissed and we ended up getting 2 glasses of Zinfendel (our preferred) on the house versus these little shot glass things of white piss they were peddling to every one else. Great time none the less.
The nitty gritty on the hotel..... I went full tilt on this one. I checked the room in before picking up (x)W and decked it out with rose pedals. The look on her face was amazing. Unfortuantely, add champaign and beer to a walk in subzero weather, and somehow we were both out like lights the moment we got to the room, but woke up a bit later and some may say "TMI", but we ML for the first time in almost 2 years and it was terrific. Unfortunately, when it came to round 2, my head started to clear and wander around, and like Dan Akroyd said in Ghostbusters when chosing the doom of the world, "it just popped in there", ie - OM and her and I couldn't shake it. I was also very nervous because she didnot seem to think of protection being an issue, luckily I did and was prepared, but she seemed kind of like insulted by it?
Anyway, we checked out in the morning and went to 'my house' and played Monopoly for a good portion of New Years day with the boys. They had fun. Then we went at last second to see a movie and by the time we got out and I took (x)W 'home' it was midnight and we were running on just a few hours sleep, so being tired and it being dangerously cold, I opted to put the boys to bed there and stay with (x)W until Saturday morning.
And that's where things get weird.
I spent the bulk of the rest of the weekend moving my stuff out of the basment along with everything else in preperation for my cousin's son moving in this week. So I had but a few minutes to text (x)W here and there. No biggie on Saturday and I tlkaed witht her for a bit at the end of the day while going to bed. She ended up going out to a friends house which I knew would make her sleep in all morning and I had work to do with Cousin and all Sunday so I figured church was out.
Spent yesterday much the same, work work work, until I dropped the kids off by her and brought a few dirnks to sit and talk for a bit, some things went down at 'our house' and her father supposidly went ape on everybody. I don't know what she's getting at, but she everything is "fine" with her father in regards to me, but yet, whatever it is going between us is ours to resolve? Anyway, Everything was fine, we sent the kids off to bed, and I sat in her room with for a bit until it got late and I said I had to go.
Then out of no-where, this send (x)W into a tizzy. Telling me I don't have to go and to stay with her and I tell her I can't, and it's late and I have to go. She then starts laying in to me about being at my cousin's beck and call and not hers, and I should be with her and she started to get real nasty about it. I had no choice but to tell her she has to understand, she turned my world upside down and ripped me to shreads and people, my cousin especially is just worried about getting hurt again. This did not sit well, (x)W continued on her tangent that I do not give her enough attention ( I mean like Glen Close - Fatal Attraction type tangent) and I couldn't take it anymore and it was getting late, so I had to go.
I calmed her down as best as I could and had to keep reminding her that this is the aftereffect of everything from the D. Lives are messed up and it's not going to be fixed overnight like that. As of this morning, she still feels differently and that I 'need to stop drop everything' for my cousin "and focus on her, and talk to her, and don't shut her out". What the hell is this? I ahd to spend a half housr driving in to work and taking this on the phone, and need I say I NEVER talk on the phone and drive, and knows that for a fact, and yet, I'm still not giving her enough attention?!?! Is this normal?
I don't know what to do. I don't know where this attitude came from and what if anything to do about it. She will not listen. She thinks I'm just supposed to up and move in with her and screw everybody else. Yet at the same time, when I point out who I'd be screwing and all they've done for me in, through and after the D, all the sudden the whole D is MY fault. WTF?
Help puhleeeze!
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Dylan, buddy, I have no idea where any of that is coming from. It sounds like a crazy jealousy but I just can't imagine being jealous of a family member like that. The only advice I've got for you is what DB teaches.
Listen Validate
She is entitled to her feelings and so are you. Arguing your point over and over with her will not get you anywhere. As long as you are listening and using the "I'm sorry you feel that way." phrase then what more can you do?
Would it be possible to sit and talk with her about a time schedule for easing back together? Is that what you want right now? Jumping in full throttle is not appropriate given all that has transpired. Maybe you could approach it as not good for the boys. Maybe something like this.
xw-"If you don't move back in here immediately and leave your cousin out of our R then I don't see this happening."
D-"I'm sorry you feel that way. My fear is that by moving back in suddenly the boys will be further confused. In my opinion it should be a gradual progression to ease them back into family life. How about talking through a slow increase in my presence in the house phased in over a 6 month time frame?"
Of course, whatever time frame you think is feasable would be indicated here.
It sounds almost like she is panicked that if you don't move back in right now she may lose you. You are going to need to reassure her without giving in on your own needs.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
It sounds like she doesn't like to be alone, i.e. can't function without a man in her life. I would let her know that you want to take things slow and bulid a solid foundation. There were issues before OM and I think those things need to be worked on.
I am wishing you the best and you are so right not to rush in.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Mish, that is exactly what I've been saying thus far, It can't be an instant thing, especially for the boys, but also for her and me. It also just flat out illogical.
But she wants to hear none of it. So much to threaten that if it doesn't happen instantly, then in her opinion, this will neveer work. Kind of like a jump back with me or lose me forever type attitude? She has point blank said, I need you, I've lived long enough with out and all the things you want to hear after all this, but in a very demanding, 4 year old laying on the floor of store temper tantrum becasue they didn't get that shiney new toy that caught their eye.
uggh, I'm so confused. I poised to stand my ground and keep with my rationale, but it's just working for her and really pissing her off. I swear, it's just "me, me, me" all over again but 1,000 times worse, utilizing "us, us, us" and piss on everyone else.
This is making my head ache.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Have you considered counseling? An outside party to help you two work through this?
Why does she think that instant family is good for the boys? What are her fears about you not living in the house? It sounds like you are spending most of your free time with her so what is her hang up? I just don't get it. Of course, I've never been the clingy type, demanding of anyone's time, so I may not ever understand what her deal is.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
