NC - W vanished ...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Speak the truth. Its always a good thing P.

I agree. MUCH easier to keep track of!!

Puppy

[P17]

Speak the truth. Its always a good thing P.

I try. Problem is, to some people I may have said too much (for example I've told people, all of them close, about W saying to OM that I beat her). She, however, has never said that to anybody other than OM, as far as I am aware. How ever I wanted to tell people the lies that could be potentially spread (as that is a dangerous one in a small town)!

What are you doing this weekend my friend?

Nice meal and DVD night tomorrow with D. Tonight just watching a bit of TV. Sunday all on my ownsome as D goes back to her mum's ready for school on Monday.

Nothing too exciting!

I agree. MUCH easier to keep track of!!
Puppy

LOL ... yeah, at least then you only need one story in your head!

[chatterbug]

Ahh P you crack me up....

What you making with D ?

Mexican ?

[newmama]

P, it is really great that your changes are evident to others! It means they are real! great job improving yourself; I'm especially impressed with the fact you improved your listening skills--that gives me an idea to do the same!!bravo!

[avermont]

P17--

I'm with you. I feel my WA is in an exit affair. Hell, it's not even an affair: he is in a new relationship. He may have started it inappropriately, and left the one he was in for 23 years inappropriately--but I don't see what I gain by thinking of it as an "affair" anymore.

My WA is completely a conflict avoider. Trying to imagine him going through the conflict to end A; approach me to see if I am available, etc., etc., is almost laughable.

Because he is such a strong conflict avoider and people pleaser, I still fear that unless I "somehow" let him know that I am approachable for a possible R, he will never overcome the guilty/conflict avoidance/fear of rejection to even put a pinky toe in to test the waters.

I didn't get any WAS "script." I didn't get any "typical" WAS pattern. All I got was everything fine and dandy; a few weeks in July when I knew something was wrong, and then "I'm done."

We have been 89% NC since he told me he was leaving; most communication around house stuff. I have been 99% NC since mid-December; only one email about tenant stuff that the tenant copied to both of us; I replied to the tenant and only copied him.

So--I can't see that I am DB'ing here. What DB'ing is there to do? Besides for me, of course!

I have GAL; I am out and about; even a movie date for tomorrow. I am doing everything possibly good for myself. And trying to remember and do more for others, now that I am not completely crazy and anxiety quivering all the time. My brain is a little bit more under control.

It is frustrating to read about "do what works" and "cheeseless tunnels" when I can't do anything--in relation to him--that I could see working/not working to monitor, etc., in text-book DB fashion.

Anyhow, I am writing this I guess just to vent. I wonder if I should be on a "Get a new life after divorce" website/BB, as I really don't feel there is any "affair busting/DB'ing" to be done.

Of course I love having all of your support and advice during our mutually sucky times, and so I keep reading. I am trying to think of a new thread, but mostly I come up with "why am I here?"

I don't know that I would take him back if he asked tomorrow--which is a big change--but I also don't believe that anything I am or could do would change the trajectory of the "done" R.

Tough times are approaching: Taxes, which involves meeting with a tax person together (because of complicated joint ownership of house/rentals); will have to deal with a new tenant in February; his lease is up in May and he will start pushing on getting the house.

Things I am doing to protect myself:
Talked to bank today about re-fi the house. I am approved to carry the mortgage myself.
Talked to financial advisor to liquidate funds to have cash available.
Set an appointment with retirement account rep to see about liquidating retirement fund for cash (to buy X out). I am more than willing to take a loss, and pay taxes/penalties on retirement funds--retiring is the last thing I am worried about now!
Next week I will find a real-estate lawyer so I have one lined up.

I wrote earlier that I must take hope out and stab it through the heart with a stake, etc.

On a more practical note, I need to listen to books on my ipod to give my mind something else to think about. I realized today while working on a mindless (normally a nice soothing thing to do) that I was CONSTANTLY thinking about X and the sitch.

As soon as I realized that, I did all I could to "stop-think" and come up with something else to think about. I finally started going through the multiplication tables. I think the ipod will be better than that!

I apologize for this ridiculously long thread--just things I have been ruminating on, and here goes.

[chatterbug]

Aver , newmama , DbD are you on the Alt ?

If not come join us.



And Aver. Don't leave us yet... I think you have some tough times ahead. Also some very happy ones. And I think you are well on your way discovering a new you. And we will be here to help you when ever asked.

[newmama]

what is the alt?

[P17]

P, it is really great that your changes are evident to others! It means they are real! great job improving yourself; I'm especially impressed with the fact you improved your listening skills--that gives me an idea to do the same!!bravo!

Thanks NM. The listening skills was the first one I learned. Problem is, being to strongly opinionated, I tend to butt in sometimes and offer that opinion rather than letting the other person just talk and get it off their mind.

I need to keep reminding myself that women don't want us guys to fix things, they just want us to let them vent to us. If they want an opinion, they will ask for it!

I am a different guy. A much calmer person than I was before. Far more understanding, compassionate and forgiving. Somebody who understand that the small stuff doesn't really matter.

I will keep the changes coming. For me. Nobody else.

[P17]

I'm with you. I feel my WA is in an exit affair. Hell, it's not even an affair: he is in a new relationship. He may have started it inappropriately, and left the one he was in for 23 years inappropriately--but I don't see what I gain by thinking of it as an "affair" anymore.

I agree with you there. However Cutter did convince me that maybe it wasn't an exit affair. Some other things have come up too which make me think it wasn't. But other than that, our sitch is the same ... it's a new relationship rather than some sordid A.

My WA is completely a conflict avoider. Trying to imagine him going through the conflict to end A; approach me to see if I am available, etc., etc., is almost laughable.

BINGO. Same here. I can't imagine her kicking OM out at all. I can't imagine her approaching my door and talking to me. I can't even imagine her texting me to ask to meet. When I went NC, she saw that as me moving on and she won't come back now. This I do know.

Because he is such a strong conflict avoider and people pleaser, I still fear that unless I "somehow" let him know that I am approachable for a possible R, he will never overcome the guilty/conflict avoidance/fear of rejection to even put a pinky toe in to test the waters.

LOL. Yep. Here too. They don't seem to see that what they have done is walk away with somebody else. If we do it, they will see that as rejection and won't come back. What they do is of no consequence - we do the same and we're history.

There is nothing I can do about this. Absolutely nothing. However, what I ask myself is do I REALLY want a woman in my life who doesn't even have the COURAGE to stand up and say what she wants regardless of the outcome? Do you want somebody in your life who won't fight for you? I don't. But it doesn't stop me loving her.

I didn't get any WAS "script." I didn't get any "typical" WAS pattern. All I got was everything fine and dandy; a few weeks in July when I knew something was wrong, and then "I'm done."

I have had the WAS script since then. The behaviours. The attitude. The contact. That has all be pretty much script. However since NC the script has gone but I don't think there is a script after NC.

So--I can't see that I am DB'ing here. What DB'ing is there to do? Besides for me, of course!

But that is DBing? You are working on yourself. You can't control your WAH, only yourself. So you work on what you can - yourself.

It is frustrating to read about "do what works" and "cheeseless tunnels" when I can't do anything--in relation to him--that I could see working/not working to monitor, etc., in text-book DB fashion.

This I do agree with. But that's why NC is called the Last Resort Technique. It will make or break your marriage. Once in NC there is no DBing the enemy. Only yourself. But by DBing yourself you are in fact DBing the enemy anyway ... IYSWIM!

I don't know that I would take him back if he asked tomorrow--which is a big change--but I also don't believe that anything I am or could do would change the trajectory of the "done" R.

Remember you can't control him. So why are you beating yourself up about not being able to DB him? It's easy to say 'work on you' but that's all you can do. Everything else is outwith your control.

Things I am doing to protect myself:
<SNIP>

You're doing a lot here. You are protecting yourself. Very important.

I wrote earlier that I must take hope out and stab it through the heart with a stake, etc.

Ahhhhh ... that's what I want to do too. Today I have no hope. I have no interest. I have no care about the M, R or W. I feel good. Tired but good. I know that rollercoaster won't last, but I'm happy where I am at now.

Now, if you ever find the hope. Let me know and we can stab it together.

On a more practical note, I need to listen to books on my ipod to give my mind something else to think about. I realized today while working on a mindless (normally a nice soothing thing to do) that I was CONSTANTLY thinking about X and the sitch.
[/quote]

I have stopped thinking about her so much. I still catch myself doing it, usually in bed - last thing at night or first in the morning. The thing that has helped me to stop thinking so much? Stop talking about it. Stop talking it to friend, family or anybody else. It's difficult to do but it has helped me. I'm actually at the stage now where I stop myself even mentioning her at all in casual conversations.

[P17]

what is the alt?

Alt ... no sure what it stands for (Alternative World?). In our case it's Facebook. Look up Cutterbug.