Gima, my H says he wants us to be friends eventhough he has ow. He says b/c of our history and our children we should aim to be friends. Translation; "Cas, you should do everything to minimise my guilt and discomfort. You do the work and I will accept such gestures graciously but I won't make any sincere efforts."
LOL Cas! Your h and my xh must have scripted that one together. Almost word for word what I was told. What a crock!
You know GIMA, I think you handled that very well.
If I remember correctly your children still don't know, correct? When is your W telling them? You should be present but she needs to own her responsibility for this and if she tries to pull the whole "Mommy and daddy just don't get along anymore." bullcrap on them call her on it. She doesn't get to weasel her way out of this one.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
@Mishka, you are correct. Kids don't know. W WILL be the one to tell them - I have already had that discussion with W. And she will not tell them I agree with her decision.
@aak, glad to hear from you. Hope you've been well. I think the question should be rephrased to what we think when parents don't involve their kids n their issues. That means no bad talk about one another in front of the kids. That does NOT mean being friends. IMO, I think it's about sheltering the kids from the negativism that exists b/w D'd parents. The kids aren't naïve - they know you got D'd b/c you didn't get along. But, we don't have to let those problems bleed over into the kids' lives.
I actually meant what I said. From what I have read, children adjust better when the parents are friendly, not just tolerant of each other.
I struggle with this as I am very able to get along with my STBX and we even vacationed together but I sometimes feel that I am cosigning his BS by doing so. It is confusing. However, if I knew it was in the best interest of the kids, it would really help me feel okay about it.
My judgements about H are just that, no matter how "right" I or everyone else thinks I am...he has a right to make the choices he's making even though I think he's really screwing up. That has been part of my evolution. I do not have to be friends with him and I do not have to vacation with him but I am trying to accept that he is on his own path. In turn, my anger and bitterness subsides and I find it easier to be friendly, even jovial with him.
Still, I often long for my kids to know that I am not in collusion with his behavior and I want them to know "right" from "wrong" but the interesting thing is that they see that mommy and daddy CAN get along very well when we want to which pokes a giant hole in his excuse and they are recognizing that daddy is making a choice for very selfish reasons and they are starting to call him on it.
Overall, I am trying to make decisions based on what is in my best interest and my kids and not to make a point or punish him. I have no idea if it will end up being the right call. Sometimes I want to tell him he's an a**hole and never speak to him again which may very well happen yet.
I applaud you for being able to be friendly with your H. I just cannot see being friends with my W. That doesn'r mean I will be uncivil or rude to her. And I certainly will not say anything negative about her in front of the kids - that would only hurt the kids, and that is precisely what I want to prevent.
I will not be with W on holidays or her birthday or mine. No anniversary rememberance gifts or cards. She is making a choice that she no longer wants those things in her life. It is not seeking retribution against her. It is reality.
I applaud you for being able to be friendly with your H. I just cannot see being friends with my W. That doesn'r mean I will be uncivil or rude to her. And I certainly will not say anything negative about her in front of the kids - that would only hurt the kids, and that is precisely what I want to prevent.
I will not be with W on holidays or her birthday or mine. No anniversary rememberance gifts or cards. She is making a choice that she no longer wants those things in her life. It is not seeking retribution against her. It is reality.
Hey, I don't fault you for that and I go back and forth. Mostly, I don't want to have to split the holidays and special occasions that involve the kids (it is I who will be losing more because they mean so much to me). Our birthdays are separate and our anniversary is moot.
GIMA, maybe it's time you stopped 'explaining' to her and start 'deciding.' From this point forward you don't owe her any more explanations and don't need to excuse yourself either....Trying to reason is a futile exercise. The only reason that is understood is "the carrot and the stick."
Good point. A hard one to remember when one has a logical, reasonable mind and is dealing with someone who no longer does.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Translation; "Cas, you should do everything to minimise my guilt and discomfort. You do the work and I will accept such gestures graciously but I won't make any sincere efforts."
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
A "friend" does not do what my W has decided to do. And if that is a "friend," I don't need any of those.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Why do they seem to think the hand of friendship is enough to passify us?
I don't think they are doing it for us. They are doing it to reduce the guilt/conflict they are fighting.
Originally Posted By: SoldierDad
100% agree with you on the friends thing. Civil-yes, friends-no chance.
And the motion passes. Agreed all around. Let's see...in my group of true friends - some lifelong - how many have abandoned me? Proven that their word, promise, commitment was worthless? Accused me of vile things? Attempted to turn loved ones against me? Systematically broken dozens of agreements? Screwed me financially? That would be ...none! And despite how that sounds, I'm not bitter about it. It's just a fact, just my stance. "Let's be friends"? Give me a friggin' break!
