What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Sleepy]

All,

Today work ran late and when I was supposed to get out early turned to 2:30 pm. My W was getting her hair done and wouldn't be able to pick up the kids. I was keeping her up to date with my progress throughout the day. It turned out that we had to miss our lunch date, but I offered to bring her a sandwich to the hair salon. She was getting highlights and wouldn't be able to pick up the kids. I was able to come to the rescue and get that task done.

Our clothes washer was missing the spin cycle so we had a repair man come in to check it. It was going to be $700 to fix it. I thought it might be just as well to buy a new one. The W/D came with the house. Then she said that WE can take it with us when WE move. I don't know if I read to much into that but..Um...... I liked the sound of it.

R2C, I will get you the list of the books and tell you how they helped. I read quite a few so, I will have to think about it.

Robx, thanks for all your help. I know it made a difference. I know what I need to do now. I have to trust her 100% if I want the R to move forward. She has to trust that I have made changes too. She leaves her cell phone on the counter unlocked all the time.

Hose, I'm glad that I could provide some comic relief for you. It would have made a great scene in a Ben Stiller meet the parents movie.

I believe I caught my W before the A got out of hand. For you, 13 months, trust will be much more difficult. It will take some time. I think you both need total transparency to gradually regain that trust

[mindfull]

TriDoc...

I think you're doing great!!! My God, that COACH! Hope she's not required for successful gymnastics in your area!!!

I think you're right about catching your wife before the A got out of hand. Don't give up what you've learned and/or implemented.

Unconditional love is good.

Glad the trip was a success! Too bad D13 wasn't mentally into it...

[Sleepy]

I thought I would provide all of you with an update from the 12th to today.

Apparently my W had done some research on the women that I was texting and told me all that was wrong with them....$luts. “I don’t want my children around them”.she said, “Oh really, I better stay away from them?” I said.

Later, I said “you really don’t want a divorce do you.” I told her that I wasn’t pursuing it either and that threw her a bit... “You mean everything we spoke about in Cancun is off” I said “yep”. She seemed kind of pissed then went to her room for the night. Her behavior which had been nice to me suddenly changed. “I wish you would make up your mind. I can’t figure you out. You are nice to me sometimes then your not.”

I felt compelled at that time to write her a letter and tell her what really I felt. I told her that the old marriage was dead. I told her that the old Tridoc was dead. I was now committed to change for a lifetime. I trust her. My goals are.

1.To let my guidance will come from God.

2.To be the best father that I can be.

3.To provide her with unconditional love. ( I know it has taken a long time to get to the point where you are now, and I am willing to do this for the rest of my life) I expect nothing in return.

4.To be a man and not a fourth child and be someone who she can trust to protect her.

If she wanted to pursue a divorce, I would respect her choice, but I was not going to contribute to it.

I said a few other things and I told her that I was sorry for texting those women and that it was wrong and I would never do it again. She kept the letter in her drawer. Wouldn’t she throw it out if she didn’t care?

The next day I forgot my pager at work. I texted her and asked if she could bring it to her clinic. In between cases I ran over there and got it and left her a diet coke on her desk with the post it note on it which said “Thanks”. She loves diet coke. Personally, I think the stuff is poison.

She has been warming up to my behavior. Little things like the above. I’m not going overboard like I did before but I’m just working nice things whenever I can without being too pushy or pursuing. I am starting to hear her sweet voice come back. Our phone conversations aren’t very long but those and her texts seem nicer.

Yesterday, she went to Phoenix for her marathon trip. I put a card in her case with a good luck wish from me and all the kids. I texted her to call or text me when she got in. No response. I called the hotel to see if she checked in and she didn’t check in until 11:00pm. I was connected to the room and didn’t get an answer, her plane got in at 7:45pm. I found a printed boarding pass for that plane in the trash in her room. Confusing??? I never heard from her until 6 the next morning. Text ...“ I made it in last night. The hotel is cool. Everything’s good. Thanks for checking”.

I called her and had a short conversation after the text. She said her phone was still in airplane mode last night. I don’t believe her. Every time a plane lands she always switches it on. I since have texted her a picture of the kids “We miss you” at lunch without a response.

I have been concerned about her having a tryst in Phoenix ever since she made those plans back in Oct. and she knows it. She wouldn’t change the plans despite me being on call all weekend and she had to find a number of people to watch and take care of our kids. I thought this was irresponsible and a bit selfish, but that’s just me.

I think she wants to get a rise out of me. I’m not going to bite at this one. I am going to play counter-intuitive and not even check on her anymore. I’m going to ask her if she had a good time and make nothing of it when she gets home. She will have to call me if she wants to talk. There are no further trips planed and I feel that this is the ultimate test of trust.

She seemed so upset about me meeting up for coffee with some women, and exclaimed “ not until you are divorced” I can’t possibly understand how she would be doing anything herself. She seems to feel so strongly about it and has been brought up with Christian boundaries.

Well, that’s the update. I will continue to just be cool and be there for her with unconditional love. If I can’t trust her, there is no hope for the marriage. I can’t control her, she is a grown woman. If she wants a divorce the ball is in her court....... I just can’t see how she can walk away from what she has right now. If she does.... well, she’s an idiot.

I was thinking, are some women more prone to a MLC?
A few things about her.....

After the birth of our twins, she got a belly button ring. I thought that was strange.

After the birth of my son, when things started to go sour (i was working a lot and she was at home slaving with the kids) and she started to become unhappy ( according to her) she got breast implants.

Now a MLC...... It seems to make sense??? Next phase.

[robx]

Tridoc....

WHY?

....

Why are you writing letters to her telling her you love her unconditionally? Why are you apologizing for texting other women or going out for coffee with them? Why are you pursuing so much? Yes you're pursuing. Do you really believe you had turned this thing around so quickly with one family trip.

She has turned this all around and made you look & feel like the unfaithful one. She questions your morals and brings up your religion but didn't you start off this entire thread with the following:

.....My wife is a stay at home Mom, 40 yo. Two months ago, I found out that she was having an affair. Things just didn’t seem right and I checked her cell phone records (multiple long calls, and texts) then confronted her. She admitted that it was her former high school boyfriend (first love). She just said that she had lunch with him a few times. He made her feel young again and she felt safe with him. After I discovered this, she turned 180 degrees. She became evil. She says that she has never loved me and this marriage was a mistake. She is mean and hateful towards me no matter how nice and kind I am to her. I began to suspect that much more was happening.

She said she broke off the relationship and no longer sees nor talks to him. I am having a hard time trusting her.

Sorry bro but she has turned this all around on you and she has you preaching "unconditional love", do you hear her preaching that? She is controlling you again and you're allowing it. Women don't respect men that they can control, in fact they end up treating them very badly. I told you previously that the WAW fog was very thick and I didn't believe that she had changed that quickly. You were on the right path originally, creating mystery, creating fear of loss, and you need to get back on track instead of saying things like you're here for a new marriage and you're a new "you" and you offer unconditional love and expect nothing in return...

BULL$HIT!

You expect respect.

If she can't respect you, you aren't going to get love or anything worthwhile from her in this relationship with you. Are you both sleeping in the same bed yet? If not why would you be offering all these things to her.

Tri, your wife had the affair.
She is the one who should be offering all the things you are offering to her. She is the one who should be offering to rebuild trust.

But in standard WAW fashion, she turned things around, controlled you by making you feel guilty for attempting to move on and now look, questionable items & occurrences with her recent trip - how do you think your relationship with her would ever survive if you can't trust her and you know you can't, you wouldn't have posted the oddities of her trip here if you trusted her.

I hope she isn't having an affair with this trip she made to Phoenix but I wouldn't rule it out. She made sure the trip was going to happen regardless of the fact that you were on call this weekend and she had to find other people to watch the kids, she had to make sure the trip occurred as planned, she also didn't text or call when she arrived that evening to let you know about the flight, she checked in late to her hotel room (which I would think is odd, maybe its just me but the first thing I do when arrive at a new location/airport is either grab a cab or rental and drive to the hotel and check in and then maybe go out for dinner or whatever else is planned for the day, otherwise you're lugging around your luggage until that point), and by your own admission, she got mad at you because you told her the "divorce was off".

Too many things not adding up and these are just things you've provided details on.

Seriously you were on the right track and then you veered off and did what you thought was comfortable for you, we told you that db'ing was counter-intuitive, everything you should be doing wouldn't feel right but you shouldn't just be doing things because they "feel right", you can't let your emotions guide you here, you need the right frame of mind in dealing with a spouse who isn't in the right frame of mind.

This weekend and her trip to Phoenix is done,
if she went there to pursue some sort of affair activity with another man, you can't do anything about that: she's there and you're here. Did you reach her at the hotel or on her cell phone, have you called the hotel again to verify that she checked in? Is she even where she claims to be?

Go back to your previous efforts of db'ing,
the stuff that got her worried, the stuff that changed the momentum in this situation.

Letting writing, preaching unconditional love, acts of kindness, pursuing, etc. You can do all of those things when you are actually reconciled and you aren't there yet, no where close.

You don't have to prove to her that she can trust you, get this notion out of your mind, you haven't had an affair, she did. You need to stop with the pursuing, the gift giving, the "unconditional love" and you need to stop allowing her to control you and stop being "nice" to her, allow her to be that way to you, ideally you want her pursuing you, you won't ever get a WAW back by pursuing her, she'll just keep you at distance.

I want you back on track again starting today, that's my advice.

[Cadet]

Listen to robox, he speaks the truth. Believe none of what you hear from her and 50% of what you see. Actions not words, rule. I don't see any actions from her that would call for you to do all this stuff. You are anti DB'ing.

Bring on more 2x4's

[bluerain]

Apparently my W had done some research on the women that I was texting and told me all that was wrong with them....$luts. “I don’t want my children around them”.she said, “Oh really, I better stay away from them?” I said.

Normal- very typical response from a WAW when we move in a direction like this. Make sense? nope. Just imagine her stamping her little feet and saying "Do as I say, not as I do!"

I felt compelled at that time to write her a letter and tell her what really I felt.

Next time you feel like doing this, I strongly urge you to come on here and either post your letter for feedback or tell us what you are planning on doing- this usually isnt a good idea. Maybe her saving it is a good sign, but Tridoc, if she is involved in an A, you saying that you love her unconditionally is not going to be a positive, it will be seen as weak.

...diet coke. Personally, I think the stuff is poison.

I am a diet coke fiend! Yum!

She has been warming up to my behavior. Little things like the above. I’m not going overboard like I did before but I’m just working nice things whenever I can without being too pushy or pursuing. I am starting to hear her sweet voice come back. Our phone conversations aren’t very long but those and her texts seem nicer.

Just be careful. Stay a little distant, you can be kind to someone without being sweet. Thats what I would encourage for you. And when she deserves for you to be sweet by being respectful and a good marriage partner, then by all means...

I called her and had a short conversation after the text. She said her phone was still in airplane mode last night. I don’t believe her. Every time a plane lands she always switches it on. I since have texted her a picture of the kids “We miss you” at lunch without a response.

I thought that this was a boundary for you? This is why it is so important for us to not lay down boundaries until we are ready to enforce them %100! And you cant take a boundary back, that just makes everything that you say seem like you dont really mean it, so it will make her doubt everything else that you say. Consistency is key, with our boundaries, changes, all of it, consistency is absolutely vital.

I have been concerned about her having a tryst in Phoenix ever since she made those plans back in Oct. and she knows it. She wouldn’t change the plans despite me being on call all weekend and she had to find a number of people to watch and take care of our kids. I thought this was irresponsible and a bit selfish, but that’s just me.

I think that you have a good reason to be concerned. I also agree that it was irresponsible and selfish, and not totally unlike the behavior of someone who is having an A.

I think she wants to get a rise out of me. I’m not going to bite at this one. I am going to play counter-intuitive and not even check on her anymore. I’m going to ask her if she had a good time and make nothing of it when she gets home. She will have to call me if she wants to talk. There are no further trips planed and I feel that this is the ultimate test of trust.

Good plan, this distance will protect you and make her curious about why you arent calling and pursuing her. I wouldnt be surprised if she called you to see if you have been in touch with your "lady friends".

She seemed so upset about me meeting up for coffee with some women, and exclaimed “ not until you are divorced” I can’t possibly understand how she would be doing anything herself.

Really? You cant understand? Have you read any of the other threads around here? I wouldnt be one bit surprised to learn that she wants to have a 25 year old boyfriend and would be furious to find out that you were even speaking to other women. I dont usually go for the 2x4s, but really...

I think that the rest of your attitude sounds good, but I will again caution you about the "nice things" that you are talking about. As far as her having an MLC, sure, it could be happening. I think that people have crises, not always one that can be labeled specifically as an MLC, but that doesnt mean that they are any less devastating, just less common. Shes the right age for an MLC, but from I have heard from you it sounds like shes seeking validation and self esteem with the athleticism, breast implants, belly button ring, etc. She wants to feel good about herself, and is searching for a way to do that. IMO anyway!

[gucci loafer]

Time to wake up Tridoc..


Your wife met someone in Phoenix. Don't be so silly and naieve
here. Quit trying to ignore the elephant in the living room..

Women don't go on vacations by themselves like this...
If someone comes into your office as a patient and has a growth or tumor the size of a grapefruit protruding out of their neck and tell you it is just swollen a bit, do you allow them to self diagnose or do you tell them the truth? Do you allow them to think what they want to believe so they won't be hurt by facing the facts? Same thing here for you. This isn't just swollen, this is an affair happening.

You need to CALL her out on this behavior. Makes her view you as weak when you allow it and act like the "supporting" husband..... notes in her luggage, have a good time... YUK..


come on man.. WISE UP HERE... FACT the TRUTH.. She went to Phoenix for a rendevous.. This is what people do when in an affair..

[DDogs]

Time to wake up Tridoc..


Your wife met someone in Phoenix. Don't be so silly and naieve
here. Quit trying to ignore the elephant in the living room..

Women don't go on vacations by themselves like this...
If someone comes into your office as a patient and has a growth or tumor the size of a grapefruit protruding out of their neck and tell you it is just swollen a bit, do you allow them to self diagnose or do you tell them the truth? Do you allow them to think what they want to believe so they won't be hurt by facing the facts? Same thing here for you. This isn't just swollen, this is an affair happening.

You need to CALL her out on this behavior. Makes her view you as weak when you allow it and act like the "supporting" husband..... notes in her luggage, have a good time... YUK..


come on man.. WISE UP HERE... FACT the TRUTH.. She went to Phoenix for a rendevous.. This is what people do when in an affair..

Tridoc,,, Been reading and following along,, Unfortuntely, I agree about this being a rendevous.

And also unfortunately, I'm speaking from my own inappropriate behavior and experience when I tell you W probably had the fantasy of an exciting secret get away,,, in her mind she's probably thinking and justifying it, probably irrationally telling herself, "ok,,, it was already planned.. I'm just going to go to possibly to say good bye, one last fling, H will never now, he has no way to. I can handle this emotionally etc...." kinda like thinking of the future as a 10 minute time frame.... not the big picture,, they block that out..

It's what an addict tells himself about his next fix...

No expert here either, but I am learning from a sea of experts here, Best advice I can offer is to detatch, and get YOUR life in order...

[Sleepy]

Guys,

Thanks for all the help and support. I know that I'm not out of the woods yet. She assured me that she was not meeting with anyone, and I have to trust her. Without trust, I have no marriage.

I have shown her how things could be and I'm not afraid of divorce. I am the one living with her and I feel that love and trust is what she needs now. This is a test. She wants to see how disturbed I am from all of this. I'm not going to say a thing. When she gets home, I will just ask her how it went and stay cool.

When I pressed her not to go a few weeks ago she said " You are shooting yourself in the foot. How do you know that I might get there and miss you"

I think her morals and ethics are above a physical affair. If I'm wrong and she walks... at least I know that I took the high road. I want to be that kind of person. I want my kids to know that too.

This counter-intutive approach seems manipulative. She knows what will happen if she divorces me... I will start going out with the $luts she is talking about. I don't think she wants that.

I have been a absentee father, a poor husband and she just needs time to see that I have indeed changed. She needs to make the effort to change tho too.

I wont let her disrespect me. I am much more in control than I was. I feel her respect is growing.
I'll let you all know how things went when she returns.

[robx]

Guys,

Thanks for all the help and support. I know that I'm not out of the woods yet. She assured me that she was not meeting with anyone, and I have to trust her. Without trust, I have no marriage.

WAW's don't usually tell their LBH's the truth, they tell them whatever they need to tell them if it suits whatever purpose.

She had an affair, she needs to rebuild trust, consistent action rebuilds trust, I don't see consistent action on her part, in fact the only thing that turned things around were when you stood up for yourself - she may have shown you a reaction contrary to this but secretly somewhere inside of her, a small amount of respect was re-established.

You don't have to trust her, in fact, you need to make her work for that trust, giving it to her so easily attributes very little value to earning your trust, and if it's worth so little, why should anyone bother acquiring your trust. You need to see the logic in this.

You think her morals and ethics are above having an affair but didn't you start this thread because she had an affair? Which is it tri? It's not one or the other. Plus I thought you wanted to bust the divorce, you're being given advice on how to achieve that result.

If you guys get divorced, why would she care about the "sluts" she is talking about, you wouldn't be married anymore, it wouldn't be your business who she is with and it wouldn't be her business who you are with - where is the logic in worrying about what your ex-wife or ex-husband?