NC - W vanished ...

[P17]

triggers...P, I couldn't watch ANYONE sharing affection or sexual relations (wait that sounds wrong) on TV or in movies for 6 months without imagining WH and OW. So I get it!

LOL. The sexual relations bit (and you can't really avoid it as it's everywhere on TV and movies) get's me quite a lot. I just really remember it getting to me a lot last night. The reason is below.

This whole 'waves of love' towards W cr*p that I'm in just now is responsible for a lot of how I'm feeling just now. I need to get rid of it asap.

I am 'chomping at the bit' (as we say over here) to contact W about anything. Anything at all. I want to break NC. I almost drove up her street yesterday and the day before as I have a hunch that her an OM have a new car between them - I tried to convince myself that she wouldn't know (as it was 3am and I was on my way home) and then I remembered that that's not really the point - NC is for me and I will know that I broke it!! I want to go to the shop where she works just to see her. I want to look at her Bebo / Facebook page.

All because I have these 'waves of love'. I thought before that they were good. A little bit of love coming back is good as I know how I still feel about her. However as I'm now feeling like a drunk man (metaphorically - it's only 2pm here :)) I am finding my emotions running riot a little bit.

It's fortunate that I now understand my feelings and emotions as only a few months ago those emotions would actually have taken over. I'd have driven up her street. I'd have contacted her about something (D's birthday is a week today so there's an excuse). I'd be pestering her again about rubbish - anything.

Now at least I can reign them in and recognise them for what they are - a passing emotion that needs to be controlled.

So there is a least a silver lining.

However, I want to be rid of these 'waves of love' and get back to the 'waves of indifference' which is what I was having before.

This bring me to what I was going to ask you guys about. However, given the above you can see that this is an indirect way to contact W and may therefore not be a great idea. Before that however a little tiny update.

Did a bit of GALing yesterday. W's friend texted me. She had her driving test on Friday. I put a 'good luck' card through her door on Tuesday (with a kiss on it - it was a habit - whenever I wrote cards I used to put three kisses on them - when I wrote her's I was going to do the same but remembered who it was for after I had put one on - hopefully she doesn't take that the wrong way!!!!!). I texted her on Friday morning saying good luck. She came back to me with a long text saying it had been cancelled (probably the weather) and that she needs to get her money back and asking how I was. I said I was great, a bit sore and tired but great. Maybe it was a bit too much but I did feel great yesterday! So, tiny winy update.

Back to what I want to ask.

I got school pictures of D recently. I was going to email MIL a copy of them and give her details of how to get a copy if she wants to. So that is question number 1 - should I? It would mean that W could get a copy too, although I really don't think she'd bother.

I also wanted to say to MIL in the email about D's mum and how we are not back together and that I still honour and keep my vows. This may sound like 'eh?' but I thought she will have had the rumours through W about me and D's mum. I wanted to make it clear that she is my MIL and I respect her opinion of me and value her role in our family. However, I don't have any real idea on how to express this without soundy needy, cheesy, inappropriate or 'why is he telling me this'. I also don't know if I should even bother, although I think I should.

Basically, what I want to really get through is for MIL to tell W that me and D's mum are not back together again. If we were there we would be NO chance of reconciliation ever. I don't really think there is anyway, but a relationship with D's mum would kill even the remotest of chances.

Advice, opinions, suggestions ...

I will avoid contacting W. I am strong enough to control myself. As I said, a few months ago I wouldn't have been. How far I've come ...

[newmama]

Now at least I can reign them in and recognise them for what they are - a passing emotion that needs to be controlled.

Yes!!! Not acting on emotion and impulses is the hardest thing for us all and you have control! In fact, people who have problems with drugs and alcohol abuse them because they can't handle the emotions and reign them in. So it is a very healthy and difficult thing to be able for us to experience the emotions and not act on them let alone not try to numb them.

Now about contacting your MIL. As someone who has stayed in touch with WH's family, I advise sending the picture for sure. (If MIL wants to send a copy to W, great. But it is for MIL!)

Okay, about letting her know you are still committed to your vows...this is how I said it to my MIL but it is just an example and you may not want to put it this way. I sent her an email with a pic of S and added "Hope you are well. Regardless of what happens to WH and I, you will still be a part of S's life. I do want you know that I am still committed to our marriage and I am hoping to reconcile one day. Take care,"

In my case, I have been an active part of WH's family throughout our marriage. I can't recall if you were as involved with MIL or not.

I don't think you need to say you are not involved with D's mum if you send a message to her to let you know you are still committed to the marriage, KWIM? If she was wondering, she could ask you.

[newmama]

Oh, and it might sound defensive too if you said something about not being involved with D's mum. How do you know if W has even talked to her about this?

[chatterbug]

Don't say anything about D's mom.

Just the rest.

Nor do you need transparancy with a woman who is commiting adultry.

Think about it.

[P17]

Yes!!! Not acting on emotion and impulses is the hardest thing for us all and you have control! In fact, people who have problems with drugs and alcohol abuse them because they can't handle the emotions and reign them in.

... or shopping / spending money, or eating ... (ala my WAW) ...

Okay, about letting her know you are still committed to your vows...this is how I said it to my MIL but it is just an example and you may not want to put it this way. I sent her an email with a pic of S and added "Hope you are well. Regardless of what happens to WH and I, you will still be a part of S's life. I do want you know that I am still committed to our marriage and I am hoping to reconcile one day. Take care,"

I actually really like that newmama. The bit about hoping to reconcile one day is the bit I have a problem with (and I know this is just your email not what you are suggesting I send).

The reason I have a problem with it is that a) I want to send it but b) that may be seen as being needy, clingy and goes against the tough love NC that I have at the moment ... I think.

What do you guys think?

In my case, I have been an active part of WH's family throughout our marriage. I can't recall if you were as involved with MIL or not.

W's family all live 300 miles from here so it's difficult. However MIL did come up and stay with us a number of times. She is the only member of the entire family I've actually heard from. Everybody else has abandoned me and D by the looks of things - no Xmas cards, nothing.

I don't think you need to say you are not involved with D's mum if you send a message to her to let you know you are still committed to the marriage, KWIM? If she was wondering, she could ask you.

I take your points about that (in this and your other message), and cutters message too. I shouldn't have to justify myself as I am not doing anything at all. We are friends, thankfully. For 7 years we hated each other!

I actually think that MIL will think I'm insane if I tell her that I am still committed to a marriage where the spouse has left and is shacked up with somebody else. Things are different over here in the UK than they are over in the US. But hey, I feel how I feel and I want to do what I want to do ... if loving somebody enough to let them go down their own path and fall over without picking them up is insanity, then I suppose I am.

[newmama]

so are you going to say anything about staying committed to W?

[chatterbug]

I hope P does not do that.

I would rather P realizes that he is trying to contact W via his MIL and let her know she can eat cake again.

[P17]

I hope P does not do that.

I would rather P realizes that he is trying to contact W via his MIL and let her know she can eat cake again.

I know that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I just wanted to reach out and let her know I love her and want us to work. The kind of person she is will see the NC as a rejection and that I don't love her.

I know all of the above is completely wrong. I shouldn't be trying to initiate any kind of contact or wave any flags. I should just keep doing what I'm doing and if she wants to come back she knows where I am. However, I know she won't come back. And this contact is a little bit of desperation to try and say 'hi' without saying it to her.

I've been at this only two months now, which in the grand scheme of things is nothing. However in those two months I haven't initiated any kind of contact at all. I've been strong. I am wavering now but that's what you guys are helping me with. You're helping me stay strong.

These feelings just now are nothing more than a blip. I know in 2-3 days I'll feel a lot better about things and it will all be good again.

I've decided to do nothing for the time being. I will wait until D's birthday is out of the way next week and then make a decision then.

Last night was cancelled so I didn't go out with the lady I expected to. D's mum came out with me instead. Not sure whether that was a good idea or not, but it happened.

We had a great night actually.

Saw a few of W's friends. No doubt they will report back what was seen. However every single one of them blanked me. One of them even sat down right next to me and never uttered a 'hi' or anything else.

Heard from D's mum tonight. I don't remember some of the night (common trait for me no matter who much or little I drink!). There was Karaoke on at the last bar we were at. Apparently, while we were standing at the bar, somebody was singing 'Girls Got Rhythm' at the Karaoke, which, if you know the song has a 'backing singer' line of 'Girls Got Rhythm' all the way through the chorus. So, me and D's mum, as loud as we could, took that job on and were singing away. The bar staff thought it was great, however, W's friends made a few comments as they were standing next to us (D's mum couldn't remember what the comments were but they were not happy and were tutting away). D's mum did tell me at the time but, me being me said '<nasty word removed> them' and just got louder. We were having fun, nobody was being hurt, and the bar staff thought it cool. So who were they to stop us?

As I said, we had a great night. Home by 2am.

I just can't be bothered with those people who think it's actually cool to accept lifts from you one month and then completely blank you the next. What exactly have I done? More story nonsense from W no doubt ... maybe I beat her again or maybe they think I should be crying into my soup at home?

Just a bit p*ssed off tonight about this. Annoys me. Makes the job of reconciliation, the remote possibility that it actually is, all that much harder. But then being with D's mum isn't doing me any favours. However, I think to myself, do I sit around and ignore D's mum in the faintest hope that W comes back or do I get on with my life, see who I want to see and have fun with whoever I want to have fun with?

I think I need to sleep and just forget about all this cr*p just for one night. I would give a lot to have one day of feeling great without the prospect of a D, an adulterous W, a D without her step-mum, and the memories of the love I've lost hanging over me.

Anyway, rant over. I'm off to bed.

[chatterbug]

If someone wanted at all to be with you, they wouldn't leave to pursue someone else.

I think we should maintain our dignity and self-respect. We shouldn't need to plead with someone to come back when they don't want to come back. We shouldn't sit around waiting and hoping instead of using that time to enjoy our own lives.

It isn't burning bridges to drop the rope and let them pursue what they're pursuing. They're the ones who are burning bridges. sometimes they recognize what they've lost and are willing to put energy into the relationship and that's great. That provides a basis for success. But when you're the only one putting in energy, it won't work.

IMO. lodo

[newmama]

I know all of the above is completely wrong. I shouldn't be trying to initiate any kind of contact or wave any flags. I should just keep doing what I'm doing and if she wants to come back she knows where I am. However, I know she won't come back. And this contact is a little bit of desperation to try and say 'hi' without saying it to her.

P I think I misunderstood? I think I forgot the original reason for letting MIL know you are still committed to your vows was because you were worried about rumors going around about you and D's mum. So now I think of the 180 you've done from being needy and now you are confident and strong, so not bringing it up makes sense.

However, I think to myself, do I sit around and ignore D's mum in the faintest hope that W comes back or do I get on with my life, see who I want to see and have fun with whoever I want to have fun with?

Is that the only reason you would ignore D's mom? In case W comes back? Then no.If it were to not lead D's mum on, then yes. But if you are being crystal clear that you are only platonic maybe it is safe to keep hanging out with her....
(just checking that slippery slope :))

I hate to say it but as long as it isn't misleading D's mum, I seriously think it's FANTASTIC that your W's friends saw you having a blast and it happened to be with D's mum!!!