Hey cutterbug I answered your last post to me on my thread. It is under newcomers and the title is Please help I have a Walk Away Wife. It will help you understand the good and bad points better as well...thanks so much
I have a question regarding the OM. Should I be setting a boundary given the following:
- W has already moved out. - W has taken all of her items. - No Contact is currently in effect. - She is pushing for formalized separation agreement.
GHM,
Very good question. This is very difficult to do when they are in full walkaway mode. If it were me, I would still attempt to, however, with something like the following:
"Wife, you say you want space, and a formal separation agreement. And I know you have some legitimate complaints about my role in the dysfunction in our marriage. I acknowledge that, and as you know i am working on my issues, and I hope that in time you will learn to trust that my changes are for real.
"I am willing to go to marriage counseling with you to try to save our marriage. I think we may both regret it someday if we don't do everything we can to try. But I'm not a fool, and I need to be clear with you. I cannot respect your decision to cut-and-run like this, and I damned sure can't respect your decision to involve a 3rd person in our marriage. (at this point she will try to stop you, and lie to you). Put your hand up in the "stop" position, and say "Please stop --we both know you're lying to me right now, so let me finish.
"You need to know that I will not share you with another man, and I will not be your friend if you choose to end our marriage this way. Whatever is going on with this guy, it needs to stop, but I realize that I cannot control you and I have no desire to. Just know that I will not be agreeable to a separation until such time that you've REALLY worked on our marriage with me, without the involvement of a third person. If you refuse to end that, then I will have no choice but to protect myself as much as I possibly can. I do love you, but I won't be made a fool."
And then I'd walk away.
If she tries to deny OM, say "Please stop lying to me. It's incredibly disrespectful to me and to our marriage. When you're ready to speak to me honestly, we can continue the conversation. As for the legal stuff, I think that would be best if we left that to our attorneys."
That's what I would do. And then I would spend the next two weeks finding out everything I could about OM. Who he is, what he does, is he married, what it is he does that attracted my wife.
I would combine a hard legal stance and hardline confrontation/exposure, with loving detachment, GAL, 180s and working on my own issues.
Puppy
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
In order to avoide living in doormat-land, I've received some sage advice from people here that I need to establish boundaries with my SO.
The problem is I'm very bad at confrontations and usually end up doing all the wrong things. (See my own sitch thread for blatant examples of this.)
The specific boundary I'm looking to set concerns my SO's relationship with an OM. She says they're "just friends", but I'm more inclined to believe its at least an EA, as they supposedly talk a lot and hang out together.
If it should become physical, I dont want anything more to do with my SO, and I did tell her in a conversation that if she was to be involved with this OM I would not be interested in being with her. However, she threw out some bread crumbs and agreed to spend time with me, and I'm not sure I properly established the boundary. I'm also worried that *that* would have been the time to firmly establish it, and rehashing things when in her mind its been put to rest is going to creat more problems than it will solve.
It seems when I'm working without a plan and or script, I waiver and even backpeddle.
I dont want it to come off as controlling...I've already seen what happens when I try to ask her to be faithful to me and I when I try to point out things about the OM...I am met with a firm "no", resentment and defense of him.
So do any of you have a good "script" that will politely but firmly establish this boundary with the consequences of her and I being done for good and not seeing or speaking to one another unless our daughter is ill/hurt without it provoking her or pushing her towards the OM?
I had some thoughts on this recently, and reading through MB28's thread reminded me. Looking back at Coach's first post here, it struck methat perhaps boundaries are what makes all relationships, including Ms. It defines the space within which individuals dea with each other.
When a marriage takes place, 2 people are in love, and voluntarily pledge themselves to each other, placing boundaries on themselves individually as signs of this bond, and in assurance of the other; happily accepting general limits on their actions to honor, respect, and cherish the spouse - as a person, a life partner, a soulmate to start new life with possibly. It is a covenant.
When this covenant breaks, when 1 or both are in such misery, they want the M over, they shatter the sanctity, exclusivity, and meaning of the bond, they violate the trust, al bets are off. There is no honor or respect. This is where boundaries need to be laid and enforced by the individual, to protect oneself, to reclaim honor and respect, firstly as a person deserving of such, and then perhaps, for the shattered M, which may stand a chance of re-building upon a new foundations.
Interesting mix of mindsets I thought ...
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
When a marriage takes place, 2 people are in love, and voluntarily pledge themselves to each other, placing boundaries on themselves individually as signs of this bond, and in assurance of the other; happily accepting general limits on their actions to honor, respect, and cherish the spouse - as a person, a life partner, a soulmate to start new life with possibly. It is a covenant. When this covenant breaks, when 1 or both are in such misery, they want the M over, they shatter the sanctity, exclusivity, and meaning of the bond, they violate the trust, al bets are off. There is no honor or respect. This is where boundaries need to be laid and enforced by the individual, to protect oneself, to reclaim honor and respect, firstly as a person deserving of such, and then perhaps, for the shattered M, which may stand a chance of re-building upon a new foundations.
Yours is a very interesting and fascinating take on this.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks Sir, although I wish I had taken better care of the spelling / grammar. Ah the wonders and travails of mobile computing!
Ughs. The alt is bugging like crazy.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
This thread is really useful. Wondering if you could help me apply this to my situation. In two days, my walkaway husband and I are due to meet with a psychiatrist to talk about potential co-parenting of our yet-to-be-born child (she arrives in 2.5months). I would like to set two boundaries at this meeting and would appreciate any help on the phrasing.
1. While there is nothing more I would like than us to be parenting this child together, I feel that it is not at all feasible given you have seperated from me mid-pregnancy and are continuing to build a life with another woman (she is his PA). On top of that, you have told me you are likely to move interstate and then overseas permenantly. Every child needs a father, but these intentions tell me you don't really want to be a father (even though you say you want to be a father!). Therefore I really wonder what is the use of co-parenting counselling. I think it would be easier and better for me to raise this child on my own.
Does that sound like a clear boundary. Can anyone suggest better wording?
2. I'd also like to say to him that the current circumstances are hurting me so much, that I think I would have a healthier and calmer pregnancy if we had no contact.
Any tips on rewording that one in a more affective way?
Thanks so much for your any help you can provide.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I thought what you wrote was excellent. My W and I are also separated and have been so for 4 months. If you want more info of my sitch please read my thread if you would like...link is in my sig.
I would like to say something very similar of your advice to GHM and use it in my sitch to my W. My question for you is if you think it's appropriate to say this to my W now or wait a while first. Right now we are in the stressful process of discussing financial issues. So I don't know if it might be better to wait to say your advice to my W now or wait until after my W and I finish discussing our financial issues.
The only thing I might take out from your advice is the part about OM as I still have not seen this in my sitch. So I don't think it would be wise to accuse her of something for which I have no proof and may not be happening. If you look at my last few posts in my sitch you can see my W has a lot of anger and trust issues with me right now...not exaclty sure why but I"m not sure if I should tread lightly on some issues for now?
Thanks for you time. mza8
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I stumbled on this boundaries thread and was wondering if someone could help with this issue as I think it might be a boundary thing, but not sure.
W and I have been in MC for about 3 months now, we're still separated and she's not yet committed to working on our marriage, though we have resolved many issues in MC.
During exchanges of our son I've been inviting her into my apartment now for nearly 3 and a half months. She even had lunch here once. During that whole time she has not once let me in her house during a pickup/dropoff. I feel disrepected by that act, somehow. That she lets friends and family enter her house, but not me.
Is this a boundary issue and can you think of a nice way for me to state it? I don't see any enforcement possibility if she just doesn't care. I don't want to do something retaliatory like not letting her my place anymore...that seems childish.
My H does that to me at times. I've dropped it. I agree it's one of the most hurtful things possible to have done to you. It lacks basic civility and seems passive-aggressive at best. That said, I've decided to reframe it as a mental and emotional issue that HE is having that I will ignore at this time. If you have bigger issues to deal with in MC, don't put this one on the table at this time. I just continue to model an open door policy to my home because I think that's the mature and civil and emotionally healthy alternative. I can't control the pace of his learning to handle his emotions or any other thing. So I guess pick your battles and learn to soothe your own wounds for now. Sorry.
