Boundaries

[Ready2Change]

I like some of your changes. I feel it is important to state my feelings to her (a 180) and am following advise from John Gray-Mars/Venus P237 that helps express all feelings.

Start with anger,then sadness, then fear, then regret then love.

Next pass:

Hi W,

When you avoid discussing issues concerning our children, I feel frustrated that your dislike of me prevents us from doing what is best for our kids. I am sad that you continue to choose rigidity over flexibility as well as silence over communication. I feel alarmed and know with absolute certainty this is not healthy for our children. I want what is best for our kids: flexibility and communication.


I have been flexible in the past and I stand ready to be flexible in the future. You have a perfect opportunity to show flexibility now by allowing S10 to spend time with my dad during your parenting time. If you choose to prevent him from going with my dad, I will continue to follow your lead and remain rigid with your requests. I will also follow your lead on limiting the contact with your family during my parenting time.

Her response "blablabla....I will let you know my decision on Monday."

YA!!!!! It is great to put the responsibilities and the consequences back on the appropriate person. We shall see if she chooses wisely!

[Ready2Change]

I like some of your changes. I feel it is important to state my feelings to her (a 180) and am following advise from John Gray-Mars/Venus P237 that helps express all feelings.

Start with anger,then sadness, then fear, then regret then love.

Next pass:

Hi W,

When you avoid discussing issues concerning our children, I feel frustrated that your dislike of me prevents us from doing what is best for our kids. I am sad that you continue to choose rigidity over flexibility as well as silence over communication. I feel alarmed and know with absolute certainty this is not healthy for our children. I want what is best for our kids: flexibility and communication.


I have been flexible in the past and I stand ready to be flexible in the future. You have a perfect opportunity to show flexibility now by allowing S10 to spend time with my dad during your parenting time. If you choose to prevent him from going with my dad, I will continue to follow your lead and remain rigid with your requests. I will also follow your lead on limiting the contact with your family during my parenting time.

Her response "blablabla....I will let you know my decision on Monday."

YA!!!!! It is great to put the responsibilities and the consequences back on the appropriate person. We shall see if she chooses wisely!

SHE SAID YES!!!!! Her relpy:

I talked to S10 and he would really like to go on this trip. I will let him go this last time but tell your dad to stop signing him up for things during my time. Also, don't ever threaten me with the kids again by telling me that you're going to "limit my time"!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You mean . . . this stuff actually WORKS???

Man, no wonder Coach left. He went somewhere to start CHARGING for this chit!!

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

SHE SAID YES!!!!! Her relpy:

I talked to S10 and he would really like to go on this trip. I will let him go this last time but tell your dad to stop signing him up for things during my time. Also, don't ever threaten me with the kids again by telling me that you're going to "limit my time"!

(I am aware that W signed up S10 for baseball, so this is the leadin to the next boundary)

My Response:

Hi W,

Thanks for doing this for S10. It means a lot to him.

I completely understand your frustration when the kids get signed up for things during your parenting time without your consent. It makes me sad when the kids get put in the middle of our issues. I worry about how it will affect them long term. I know for certain that other important events will occur during the other parents time in the future. If we want to keep the kids out of our issues, we will get the other parents consent before giving the children any decisions. As long as your parents and mine understand this, and as long as we are both flexible when exceptions occur, I don't see too many future issues.

[Ready2Change]

You mean . . . this stuff actually WORKS???

Man, no wonder Coach left. He went somewhere to start CHARGING for this chit!!

Puppy

When's YOUR book going to be ready????

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The publisher nixed it when I looked like a stalker in my book jacket photo shoot.

[Ready2Change]

I see you still aren't clear on what a boundary is. Here is a template:

Setting: When you _____, I feel ______, I want __________ .
Enforcing: if you ______ I will __________ .

e.g. When you cook your food and leave the dirty dishes in the sink, I feel like I'm living with a pig. I want you to clean up after yourself from now on and show some respect for my home. If you continue to behave like an animal I will move the dishes into your room so you will be more comfortable.

A boundary is USELESS unless you are prepared to ENFORCE it. You will be challenged and tested on every one of your boundaries. So make darned sure you can enforce them because if you don't you are wasting your breath and increasing the contempt she feels for you.

[Ready2Change]

The advise that is counter-intuitive works. It is now common sense to me. Stand up to irresponsible behavior with boundaries. Point out the two choices (irresponsible and responsible) and what actions you will take for each choice. Clearly state how the person you are talking to needs to behave in order to show responsible behavior.

One step away:

"When you yell at your sister, I feel my energy draining. If you continue to yell, I will not have enough energy to take you to the birthday party tonight, If you calmly discuss your concerns with your sister, I will take you to the party tonight."

My kids know this is no bluff and stop yelling.

[heartnsoul]

This thread is very interesting. I would love an opportunity to show some backbone to my wife, but I'm not sure how to apply any boundaries in my sitch.

My W has shown no concern for our M. She has stated, flat out, that her A (which she calls a R) makes her happy, and I don't. Given a choice, right now, she would choose him without blinking an eye. Our C only regards S3, no R or M talks, not even small talk. We work well, mostly, regarding timesharing.

I don't really see how I can use boundaries to directly impact my M, when she does not care about it. I can't force her to reconsider how she feels about me. I can only imagine boundaries involving our S, but I have relatively few complaints about how we work together for him.

There is one thing. I would like her to be transparent about her activities w/ him. Mainly to be sure she's not doing anything messed up with OM in front of our S. I suppose a custody petition could be an enforcement. Might there be other possible enforcements?

[michaelCM]

Could use a little help with wording of a boundary I want to set for my W.
Here is the backgroud:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...802#Post1915802

Here is what I was thinking of saying:
When I know that you are having contact with OM, I feel like I can’t trust you. I asked you to stop, but you started again. I feel disrespected. I feel like you are lying to me. I will never be able to heal knowing that you are still in contact with him.

I want you to stop having any contact with him. Immediately.

If that is a problem, then let me know, but I can’t go on like this. If you can’t stop, then I need to move on and make a decision about whether I want to stay in this relationship.

Thanks for any advice you can give.