Boundaries

[rr22]

For perspective's sake, there are people on this board whose spouses would not let them in their new places OR tell them where these places WERE. People are weird when they get emotional.

[Ken62]

When my WAW was in the house and I was in the apartment she hated me in our house of 18 years. She hated that I "felt so comfortable" and "made myself at home" and it would drive her nuts when I would go upstairs. Now that I am at the house and she is in the apartment, I have told her that she is free to go anywhere in the house that she would like. I have nothing to hide and she can make herself at home because it was her home. She has been up to our bedroom several times when I'm not even here and I have no problem with it.

It reminds me of how paranoid they get when they start putting passwords on things because they have something to hide. She was gone for a week and I had to go back to the apartment to get some of my stuff out of storage there and she was less paranoid and asked me to respect her privacy but she didn't seem to be as paranoid about it. Not sure how she would feel today.

It is a very strange way to act but it is probably related to all the other mental/emotional things that they are going through.

Just my opinion,

Ken

[Marooned]

My H does that to me at times. I've dropped it. I agree it's one of the most hurtful things possible to have done to you. It lacks basic civility and seems passive-aggressive at best. That said, I've decided to reframe it as a mental and emotional issue that HE is having that I will ignore at this time. If you have bigger issues to deal with in MC, don't put this one on the table at this time. I just continue to model an open door policy to my home because I think that's the mature and civil and emotionally healthy alternative. I can't control the pace of his learning to handle his emotions or any other thing. So I guess pick your battles and learn to soothe your own wounds for now. Sorry

Thanks. Nothing to be sorry about as I think you are right on target with your thinking. In the relative scope of things, it's a minor issue and it's my issue for feeling hurt.

I love your reframing idea of "it's an issue that my w is having right now, not me, and I will just ignore it." It's not like she's set up a security perimeter, with armed guards, around her house--we've had many lunches on her porch and many many good convos there too.

I also agree about modeling the open door policy at my home. I continue to do that.

I agree about w's closed-door policy lacking civility and I've stopped trying analyze why she is doing that. In fact, I don't even want to ask her for her reasons and they likely based on her feelings rather than facts anyway.

I'm just going to let this one go, I think, and watch if she comes around.

[Mettaphorica]

I have always taken responsibility for my own feelings, and always very careful in my language when approaching things, and use "I" statements, as suggested, never blaming. I use a lot of "I understand if you/may be feeling/--I give a lot of benefit of the doubt and "perhapses" so that there's no convicting my spouse and allows room for the possibility that I am wrong.

Recently during a discussion that was heating up, I used an "I" statement to take the heat out of what was going on, and he burst out, "YOU FEEL, YOU FEEL, it's all about YOU!".

I was shocked and also felt it was very unfair. So it can backfire sometimes, no matter how conscientious you are
Mettaphorica

[Ready2Change]

I stumbled on this boundaries thread and was wondering if someone could help with this issue as I think it might be a boundary thing, but not sure.

W and I have been in MC for about 3 months now, we're still separated and she's not yet committed to working on our marriage, though we have resolved many issues in MC.

During exchanges of our son I've been inviting her into my apartment now for nearly 3 and a half months. She even had lunch here once. During that whole time she has not once let me in her house during a pickup/dropoff. I feel disrepected by that act, somehow. That she lets friends and family enter her house, but not me.

Is this a boundary issue and can you think of a nice way for me to state it? I don't see any enforcement possibility if she just doesn't care. I don't want to do something retaliatory like not letting her my place anymore...that seems childish.

It is not a boundary. It is her choice about letting you in her home. Respect that. It is your choice to let her in your home. If she was entering your home without being invited, and it bother you, you should set a boundary. Boundaries define how you will respond when she enters YOUR space and are enforceable. My X was showing up to my place unannounced with the kids to "Get things". I set the boundary that this was not acceptable to me and she needs to call first. See the difference?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I stumbled on this boundaries thread and was wondering if someone could help with this issue as I think it might be a boundary thing, but not sure.

W and I have been in MC for about 3 months now, we're still separated and she's not yet committed to working on our marriage, though we have resolved many issues in MC.

During exchanges of our son I've been inviting her into my apartment now for nearly 3 and a half months. She even had lunch here once. During that whole time she has not once let me in her house during a pickup/dropoff. I feel disrepected by that act, somehow. That she lets friends and family enter her house, but not me.

Is this a boundary issue and can you think of a nice way for me to state it? I don't see any enforcement possibility if she just doesn't care. I don't want to do something retaliatory like not letting her my place anymore...that seems childish.

It is not a boundary. It is her choice about letting you in her home. Respect that. It is your choice to let her in your home. If she was entering your home without being invited, and it bother you, you should set a boundary. Boundaries define how you will respond when she enters YOUR space and are enforceable. My X was showing up to my place unannounced with the kids to "Get things". I set the boundary that this was not acceptable to me and she needs to call first. See the difference?

Agree with R2C.

Puppy

[beingreal]

I love this thread & have read it a couple of time.

So I'm resurrecting it to ask the big guns for help. H & put all of our cards on the table today, I'm 99% sure it was the right thing to do.

Please let me know if I set up boundaries without being demanding, and gave a timeline without issuing an ultimatum.

The convo was emotional & broke several DB rules, but considering our roles were very reversed I was never sure how to put DB into play, anyway.

Tell me what you think. Link in siggie.

thanks.

[theGoodGirl]

i have to admit, this is the toughest thing for me to do.

because setting boundaries is giving h permission to walk away.
but then again, i can see myself delivering the boundary in a condescending way that would just make any person want to walk away from me. :P

"i need a man with a spine and doesn't run to mommy and daddy when the going gets tough. grow a pair!"

"i don't feel loved by you when you choose to love your mommy more than you love me."

"i won't make love to someone who can't rip themselves away from their mother's breast".

"i need to protect myself from something you initiated (d) so don't try and manipulate me into taking less than what i am entitled to. if you were in my shoes, you'd do the same."

ok. i think my examples are fight-picking and not boundary setting.

i'm really bad at this.

[Ready2Change]

Space, time, no pressure all is good. If she is having a affair it is bad - she keeps feeding her in-love feelings, you lose self-esteem and your family loses.

Boundaries about your wife spending time, money, love, affection, energy, and family resources on another man. Boundaries are about her behavior. A boundary is not a ultimatum, it's not pressure and not a push. It's a choice on how you let someone else treat you.

[Ready2Change]

Never bluff with your marriage. Only file if divorce is something you're actually willing to do.

To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.

And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?

All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.

"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.

Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." Or maybe for you it's "I"m not willing to try this marriage with you again with some good marriage counselling." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, so seriously.

Puppy