Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[addie]

Hi PH,

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I continue to waffle back and forth mainly because trust hasn't been reestablished and because there have been incidents to question H's honesty.

I really like what Cyrena said about acting like a person who is trusting would behave and that if H is not trustworthy, that is really his issue, not mine. I will have to keep reminding myself of this - afterall, can you ever be certain that you can trust another 100%? Most of us have learned the answer to that the hard way.

[kara]

Hi PH

I have been reading along and am checking in to see how you are doing.

[rockedworld]

I was wondering the same thing...

[pearlharbr]

Sorry guys, just a busy GAL weekend and lazy today.

The meeting with the IC was really good. I think we hit it off well and I definitely felt better when I left. It took some time to explain the whole sitch and that my goal is to just get unstuck. We talked about a lot of stuff, bottom line is that she thinks it takes a lot of time to heal from infidelity and I simply haven't had enough time yet. So I need to give myself a break and realize that I don't have to figure everything out right now or at the same time.

First thing to do is have a candid convo with BF about me not working. Is he resentful about it? Or would he be ok with it on a long-term basis or with me just working part-time. Because ultimately I need to decide what lifestyle I want. Is it more important to be in SF which will require me working FT or even two jobs or would I rather stay here if I don't have to work? I'm pretty sure that he wants me to work no matter where we are but that's mindreading and I need to gather all the info to make an informed decision.

She's advocating that I just focus on one thing at a time and it doesn't have to be the relationship. It's ok to give myself a timeframe and just see where things stand in three/six/nine months. And if I want to move to SF I don't have to make a decision about the R because if BF chooses to move then it's his decision to make. If things don't work out with us then that's what happens. There are no guarantees in life.

My assignment is to have that conversation and then we'll go from there. My next appt is in two weeks.

We had a pretty fun weekend. It was my turn to plan date night so Friday we went out to dinner then to a hotel bar where the regulars sing showtunes with the piano player. Saturday we bummed around watching movies then toured the local whiskey distillery before going out to a birthday party at a downtown club (something we never do). Sunday we went out to breakfast, watched football and met with a landscape designer to make a plan to redo the front yard.

[pearlharbr]

Oh, and realized in the IC session that it was the anniversary of me throwing BF out of the house. Never thought this is where I'd be in a year. There's good and bad to that.

[chatterbug]

Hi Pearl. Sounds like you had a good weekend. Take care. Wonder where you will be this time next year?

[rockedworld]

Thanks for the update Pearl.

You seem like you are in such a strong place, and still detached enough that you can look at your options and not worry/panic about the outcome.

I was encouraged by your IC saying infidelity takes a long time to heal from and you haven't had enough time. I'm much newer to this than you, so of course I am struggling as much as I am! That made me feel better.

It sounds like the approach you are taking makes sense. There is no rush. You working on YOU... that part of DBing needs to continue on into piecing.

You continue to be an inspiration to me.

[pearlharbr]

@Cutter - who knows? I certainly have a picture in my head of what I want it to look like, but I have to start taking steps to make it happen.

@Rocked - I don't deserve your kind words but I thank you for them. Well, it's been nine months of piecing and I am still actively struggling with it, it's just not on a daily basis anymore. So I definitely think you're on the right path. I think my biggest issue is that I didn't see us working past this until late October, more than six months into piecing. Maybe that's not long in the grand scheme of things but it certainly felt like it. And even now I'm not entirely sure we will end up together, but the scales are tipped slightly in that direction.

Honestly I feel bad about how I feel. Things have been going so well between BF and me lately. We're having fun and really being a couple. But I still have doubts and it hurts me to think that one day I could end the R and really hurt BF. But as the IC said, we all hurt people in our lives because we're human. Just don't go out of your way to intentionally hurt someone.

I found out last weekend that BF has something planned for Presidents' weekend. This is a 180 for him as he hardly ever plans surprises for me and in years past has always said the week before the holiday, [i]Oh, it's a holiday weekend. Let's go to X,i] and then was shocked that everything is booked up and has been for months.

While I'm delighted at the surprise, yesterday I started worrying that he might have set up a new email account to make the plans so I wouldn't see what they are. I talked to him about it last night, said I wouldn't check his email accounts for details but I still need to have access and I wanted to know if he set up another account for this purpose. He said no, no new email. If I really wanted to find out what we're doing I can just look because it's all there for me to see and he isn't going to change his passwords. But that would ruin the surprise.

[addie]

PH,

Healing from infidelity can take a couple of years or more. You and BF have been back together less than a year. You obviously need a lot more time to heal, thus the waffling back and forth.

I like your BF's 180. Can't wait to hear how it all pans out.

[pearlharbr]

Thanks addie.

I meant to respond to your post upthread. No, I don't expect to ever trust BF 100% again. Is that for the best? I'm not sure. I understand that complacency is bad and that I need to work at a R all the time. But I am sad that this is part of our history and I will never see him the same way again. Yes the R will undoubtedly be stronger and better if we stay together. I just sometimes think it would be better to start over with someone new so that baggage isn't there. I don't think it would necessarily be easier with someone new, just one less horrible thing to deal with.