[quote]Try asking yourself what is it within you that has allowed this lack-of-sex pattern to be created in your life? You might be surprised at what you find out.
It's obvious at this point. I have chosen to stay with my wife up to this point.
When we first met, she was very interested in sex. But her interest waned in steps after each childbirth, and further around menopause. This is quite normal, even common. Her interest at this point is zero. And perhaps unlike some couples who struggle with libido mismatches, I find it a turn-off to have sex with someone who is doing it totally out of a sense of duty. It might be OK for a short while, or as an exception. But if it's the only kind of sex I'll ever have for the rest of my life, I'm not interested.
As for what kind of women I attract in my personal life, ironically, they tend to be very intelligent, attractive, succesful women who want or already have long-term stable relationships.
Are you falling in love with your friend-with-benefits Lover SSMGuy?
Not really. Perhaps it's helped that for the last 15 years, 100% of my experience has involved keeping sex and love separate. With my wife, I need to feel love without sexual feelings. With FWBs, I need to feel sexual without love feelings.
Also depends on what you mean by love. You care about friends and you enjoy their company, but you don't typically feel a strong need to see them again if it's been only a few days. So, no I don't feel the kind of white hot love like I can't stand to be without a friend, and I wouldn't be jealous if they had sex with someone else.
But I believe I could integrate love and sexual feelings again if I were in a situation that allowed it. And I'm sure it would be a much richer experience.
Try asking yourself what is it within you that has allowed this lack-of-sex pattern to be created in your life? You might be surprised at what you find out.
It's obvious at this point. I have chosen to stay with my wife up to this point.
That is not an answer to the question she asked. It is an answer to a different question. I know what she is getting at, however.
Let me use myself as an example in the providing an answer that may "ring true" for you, as well.
My wife would tell you (or anyone for that matter) that I attract "weird women." By weird she means quirky, not exactly in line with social norms, maybe even a bit "needy" or clingy in an emotional way in that they can (and do) tell me things that they say they have never told anyone else. And in the telling, they have taken the first step to healing. They then "need" me to continually generate that feeling of relief because no one else understands. How many affairs are created out of a sense of not being understood by a spouse, but by someone else?
I'm pretty careful on this point.
The explanation for the environment I create literally comes from my current wife's own words. I am the least judgmental person she has ever known...patient, slow to anger, giving people a lot of latitude to be who they really are. She has said it herself: I "give people the space and the safety to be who they are." Early in our relationship she was exasperated because I wouldn't be as critical and judgemental as she was about a number of things. Sometimes people find that particularly challenging because I can and do challenge them to be the best of who they really are when they don't necessarily want to.
My story is that I am "so safe," as far as that is concerned, that I give women I love the ability to have all the external appearances of a normal relationship just so they can be who they really want to be...non-sexual beings (with me) living an illusion of a normal relationship without all the pressure to perform in something which they either do not have or have lost (and in one case never did have) any interest. I am also willing to pass it off as being able to find "hormonal" women much like some dogs can sense a seizure in humans before it occurs.
In this case, I think like you do; I would rather be sexual with someone who is interested in being sexual (with me) than someone who "does sex" out of a sense of obligation, appearance or because if she didn't I would leave. The difference is that I have not been willing to do that outside of my marriage, it is not the solution that works for me.
Yet, almost everyone reading this knows that this relationship situation is not "okay" (yours or mine). In the name of love I know I have allowed this to happen.
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
Yes - that's exactly what I was getting at. Who we are creates our experiences. The good news is we can change if we don't like the xperiences we are currently having.
Like in Captains case - those personal attributes that have contributed to a sslife are (in my view) really good personal attributes, but they are contributing to a lack of balance manifest in his ssm. He can either keep those attributes and accept a sexless life or make changes to get more balance in his life.
What about you SSMG?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Originally Posted By: Walking Are you falling in love with your friend-with-benefits Lover SSMGuy?
Not really.
Puleez...... Not really??? That's like being kind-of pregnant!!!!
It also demonstrates the tricky balance your circumstance sets you up to juggle. You need to care for your partner in order to have a relationship close enough to be intimate (because you're a good, kind man and you respect her and want to treat her well)- but you can't or shouldn't love her because that's reserved for the mother of your children.
Can you see what a bind this puts you in ? (despite protestations that the European style mistress can and does work in a lot of situations - noting it didn't work too well for the likes of Princess Diana or her children) ...
Quote:
Also depends on what you mean by love. You care about friends and you enjoy their company, but you don't typically feel a strong need to see them again if it's been only a few days. So, no I don't feel the kind of white hot love like I can't stand to be without a friend, and I wouldn't be jealous if they had sex with someone else.
I'm the last person to profess to know anything about LOVE. It's a confusing 4 letter word to me.
I do know however that once your older than 21 and have a grip of your emotions and decisions relating to your life it's very unlikely that you'll find the "white hot love ... can't stand to be without you ... " feeling that you have when you are young and first start a relationship.
Around here that is referred to as the "romantic love" stage and is to blame for most affairs (particularly by people who were married young, often to their first serious partner, have grown up, kids are almost off their hands and they meet someone who sets off those chemical and hormonal reactions ... and they leave their spouse to chase the thrill ... v mid-life-crisis). It's not necessarily a healthy thing.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Perception is "reality" in that the perception (and therefore, "reality") occurs in language. And without language, the world does not occur for us. Oh it exists and we are unable to describe it. The trick, if there is one, is to not have it based entirely in the past.
Here are the words that open what my autobiography:
I open with a question and my answer: ___________________________________ What is Love?
Words don’t begin to describe it or do it justice. It has many faces, many sensations and that variable mix is what gives the difference in how love feels and why it can feel different for different people and for different times.
But if I were to describe it I would simply describe it as the unconditional giving of oneself to another with unconditional acceptance of another and without expectation.
Key words are unconditional, giving, acceptance and without expectation. Sometimes those are tough ideals to live up to. _____________________________
That is the basis of my answer above where I say "in the name of love...."
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
Crikey. Remind me never to play chess with you Captain. Your thinking is always 4 moves ahead!!!
That a pretty reasonable explanation of L.O.V.E. .... that I'll have to think about some more. Problem seems to me that even though I get the unconditional acceptance of another and without expectation part - those who I l.o.v.e. (including such people as parents, siblings etc) don't necessary see it that way.....
It's hard to unconditionally accept someone without expecation when they have expectations of you ... but I guess that's the point huh - it's not about them - and you love someone regardless of their issues????.....mmmm ... thinking
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Words don’t begin to describe it or do it justice. It has many faces, many sensations and that variable mix is what gives the difference in how love feels and why it can feel different for different people and for different times.
But if I were to describe it I would simply describe it as the unconditional giving of oneself to another with unconditional acceptance of another and without expectation.
Key words are unconditional, giving, acceptance and without expectation. Sometimes those are tough ideals to live up to.
Pretty impressive analysis. I am reminded of a comment my wife made a couple years ago when she commented on my black labador retriever of 12 years. She told me in almost a jealous voice, that no human being could love me as much as that dog loved me. My wife was amazed at such a level of unconditional love and unconditional giving without expectation.
Your words are moving.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
