Personally I think if you leave your wife, you should not get into a RELATIONSHIP for a while, but you should chase all the unattached sex you can possible handle.
That would most certainly be my plan! I have to admit, it's a tempting thought!
You said: "In sharp contrast, when I'm in a regular sexual relationship, I feel free of all this, as I'm secure in knowing I'll have fulfillment soon, and my fantasies are focused around that next encounter with the appropriate partner."
You are never in a "regular sexual relationship" with a mistress, ssmguy. Sorry. This is NOT a "regular" sexual relationship by any means. It is a hollow and cheap fantasy with happy endings, but which will rob you of any chance to have a "real" sexual relationship.
Oh, I'm totally in agreement with you this time! If nothing else, the problem is simply that I can't arrange it often enough to fully work for me, even as just a cheap thrill.
And one more point...please take note that while Leno may joke about how the wife has headaches...he will NOT joke that it is "ok for dad to have a mistress or use a jack shack". Right?
Sure, I see that.
Had to look up "jack shack" in the Urban Dictionary. LOL
Again, you don't know that much of my story. I was constantly cheating in one way or another. I was constantly thinking of sex in one way or another. I was chasing the thrill all the time, mentally, and then physically would follow.
As usual, you seem to think you are unique and that no one else would understand your plight. This is all justification. I felt the same way, and realize now it was simply justification.
Your feedback is helpful. Though I realize you are probably not the norm, you are probably not very unusual either. I hope I can find a woman with your drive level someday, or turn my wife into such a person!
To expand on the "desperation" thought... the long-term lack of a sexual partner also leads to comically extreme sexualization on my part. Like fantasizing for weeks about the trip to my female dermatologist for my annual skin checkup. Of course, I don't let on what's on my mind with her, as she's a great person who is just doing a good and valuable job. I just look at it as a plus to be able to look forward as much as I do to my dermatology exam.
It's been amusing to observe the ridiculous places my sexual energy goes when my wife wants none of it.
Like posting about sex on this forum... another form of sexual escapism, in some way, obviously. Even if I had something to say, I wouldn't even have time to be posting here if I had as much sex as I'd like.
It's obvious to me now why the so-called European-style mistress works for some people, especially when both partners have deep ties to family and in-laws that they don't want to change. Yes, I certainly know it's more than just the sex. But at times, and thinking only on the surface, it seems utterly absurd to completely change virtually everything -- house, family, in-laws, financial obligations, etc. -- just so you can have sex for a few hours a week in a manner which other people would "approve of", as if it were any of their business in the first place.
ssmguy - I HAD the so called European-style mistress (we were both American). It felt great at first, seemed like the perfect solution. But you know what, it was a sham. The longer it went on the more wrong it felt. YES it was thrilling, YES the sex was great. It was still only half a life.
All the hiding and later wanting to give my full attention to the lover and not my family. Neither my family nor my lover had me fully.
The worst was falling in love with the mistress. I loved this woman. I was giving her the love and sex that she desperately wanted. (Only a desperate woman messes around with a married man.) She hoped she could win me over, get me to leave my wife. She almost did. I was separated and filing for divorce a one point.
Then somehow my wife was shocked into action. We counseled our way back and had a sex life again. I dropped the divorce.
The worst thing I had to do in my whole life was to call my mistress and tell her it was over for us. I broke this woman's heart. I was also ripping my wife's heart apart. I could only have ONE. I could not live a double-life and have fulfillment at the same time. My woman needed all of my focus.
I was you too. I'm not preaching, just telling you my story and how I woke up from living this way. There was no "approve of" about it. I wanted the real deal, real love and I was not getting it with an affair.
Listen to DQ as I have. Decide what you want in life and live it fully. Sneaking around is not living. Even openly having sex on the side isn't living fully with passion.
Check out David Deida's - The Way of the Superior Man it may open your eyes as it has for me.
(Only a desperate woman messes around with a married man.)
I disagree. There are several other categories of women, including those who want a no-strings attached relationships, or those who want just the trysts, but have careers or other pursuits and don't want deep invovlements. You might try to generalize the definition to fit all these women if you'd like. The only problem is I know personally of several such women. One was professionally very successful, and at one point in her career, she very much deliberately decided to carry on an affair with a man who was pretty much in my position for about 15 years, as she wanted to pursue her career about 100 hours a week, and did not want to spend time having an otherwise full relationship or kids, etc., and didn't have to worry about the man feeling "alone" all those other hours. Her family disagreed with that of course, etc. But "desparate" is not a word anyone would have used to describe her. She was attractive and smart, and it was very much a practical decision on her part. Now, many years later, she is happily married with kids.
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The worst thing I had to do in my whole life was to call my mistress and tell her it was over for us. I broke this woman's heart.
I totally understand that, and I've been careful to be totally up-front about my whole situation with anyone to whom it might matter.
As an aside, and not in response to your comment, I never understood why some guys feel they need to lie and say they're not married just to get some woman to sleep with them. There are plenty of women around who want to sleep with you because you're married, because it means you're not going to stalk them afterwards. Or because if you're married, you've got the stamp of approval, or because you're deliciously "unavailable" and they're having fun breaking the taboo, or they're secretly getting even on a cheating husband and getting to play the part of the "other woman". Or because a married guy has probably slept with fewer women than the same bunch of perpetually singe guys they've run into at every singles function in town for the last 10 years. If you don't believe that, you haven't gotten out much.
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I was also ripping my wife's heart apart. I could only have ONE. I could not live a double-life and have fulfillment at the same time. My woman needed all of my focus.
I totally understand that. Totally.
But let me ask you a question. Do you think your wife would have come around if you had NOT had this outside relationship? Unfortunately, I think the harsh reality is that this "shock" was necessary. In fact, your behavior might have been instinctive. There are too many stories of blokes who've just lovingly stuck by their wives as celibate monks for years, and their wives take them for granted. No amount of flowers etc., love and consideration work. Even threats of leaving don't work. I've seen this play itself out in several of my friends' relationships over the years. It's nice to talk about the "mistake", but clearly, in some cases, the "mistake" was NECESSARY. Sorry, but it really is clear in one case I can think of. The wife was totally obstinate, even after he said repeatedly that he was going to leave. Even had divorce papers out. Even moved to an apartment. She thought it was all a bluff. It wasn't until he actually left the apartment and moved in with another woman that she finally "got religion" and everything changed. Then she did everything to get him back. Suddenly he was "hot property" worth competing for again. It was fascinating to watch.
The answer to that last question won't really matter to you, because you've already had the affair. I can't speak for Cinco's wife, but other women have "come around" without an affair. My wife knew I hadn't had an affair, and she has come a long way. But knowing that doesn't really help you much; it doesn't mean that you need to go back in time to un-have the affairs, and it's not as if you could if you wanted to.
What matters in your situation is the fact that wives have "come around" after affairs, whether despite the affair or because of the affair (probably a hard-to-define mixture of the two in most cases.)
"Threats" of leaving that didn't "work" are by definition empty threats. If you bluff your wife by threatening to leave when you're not ready to do so, you set yourself up to fail and be taken even less seriously afterward. If you're serious, a "threat" to leave the marriage can only have one of two results: either it convinces your wife to work with you on the marriage, or you leave and the marriage ends. This is not a judgment of whether the husband was good or bad, smart or dumb to stay on after he said he was leaving, just a clear understanding of why it didn't "work."
SSM, Yes, there are lots of unmarried women who have affairs with married men. Perhaps "desperate" is the wrong word--studies show that they're reacting to dysfunctions in their family of origin situation or childhood relationships. Some hated the way their fathers fooled around on their mothers and unconsciously avoid being in the unhappy-wife category; some are looking for a father-figure because their fathers showed too little--or too much--attention to them as girls; some want to compete with the wife to "win" or see someone hurt as much as they did, etc etc. As you mention, many are just broken women who are afraid to find someone who is emotionally available.
You seem to want to demonstrate that the women you know who choose affairs over genuine relationships are strong and healthy? They're not. People with self-respect do not cheat themselves out of either half of a fulfilling relationships--either the sexual passion or the emotional bond.
You say you've been "up-front" about your whole relationship with "anyone to whom it might matter." It's telling that the one person one might assume it mattered the most to--your wife--is the one with whom you've never been up-front.
One of the most unloving things you can do to your partner is to claim that you're making your choices "to protect her," without ever giving her enough respect to be allowed to have any input. It's not a very impressive "love" you have for your wife, which allows you to treat her as though she were too weak and fragile to hear the truth and make her own choices.
Sure, as all your posts keep pointing out, there are lots of messed-up people in the world who work hard to keep from changing and growing. But why do you spend so much time defending poor choices as though the scr&wed-up norm was a good place to be?
