Sorry to say it, but your W is having an A. No one starts hiding things and putting passwords on stuff if they have nothing to hide. No one worries about someone spying on them if they have nothing to hide.
It's time to retrieve your huevos from the mason jar your wife put them in. I think they're buried in the backyard.
Truly, no woman can be in love with or sexually attracted to a man she doesn't respect. Your W doesn't respect you.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
WAKE UP!!! Are you kidding me. You need to man up and stop it, put down a boundary. If she doesn't respect it, kick her out. This is the worst case of disrespect I have read on this board so far. Read up on other sitch's, and do some work.
Start laying your boundaries now. You have all the evidence you need to show that she's been walking all over you.
Think of her not as your W, but as a spoiled teenager who thinks she can get away with lying to her parents. How would you react? What would you do? That's what you have to do with your W.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Start laying your boundaries now. You have all the evidence you need to show that she's been walking all over you.
Think of her not as your W, but as a spoiled teenager who thinks she can get away with lying to her parents. How would you react? What would you do? That's what you have to do with your W.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
This is the worst case of disrespect I have read on this board so far.
Nah....I've read worse. But this is his W and his life, so that makes it worse.
She's a SAHM, so that means you pay for the Internet, cell phones, etc. Cut it off and stop enabling her activities. Don't accept anything she tells you. She has lied constantly to you. She puts you into a corner (at least you feel that you are) and tells you that you don't trust her.....well, duh, guess not. It's about her showing respect to her H, M, & family. That should be more important to her thant some "friend" on the other side of the world (if you're on my side of the globe) and if she can't get her head out of her a$$ enough to see that, then you must take stronger actions ASAP. Do not be afraid of making her mad. Expect it and be prepared for it. Plan ahead and be braced for the very worst.
It can turn around. I am living proof of that. But it is not easy and it takes a strong man to weather the storm.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh......and the ML, I might not should tell you this, but I don't think it's "you" she's ML to. That's the reason for her not being affectionate other times. I would think that she's fantasizing about being with them, but if she's going with the webcam, then you can count on the fact they've seen every part of your W that you have. And now she placing racy pictures on the Internet and Lord only knows where they may end up some day. She is into deep stuff here and she needs extreme consequences. She needs accountability to you. Her H is more important than these men and that is what she's lost sight of b/c these me have brough a entire new realm of "sizzle" into her life. But, she's become a web whore. I'll never forget the first time (and only time) that work was said to me. It was a slap in thd face that I needed.
You may need to control sending the payements off yourself if you have been giving her access to the checking account to pay all the billds. And, you will have to suffer with Internet for a while also, but it worth it to save your M. Anywayime a M woman goes to be with a cell phohe under her pillow......she is bring the OM into the bed right there with you. He's TM her & she is him. Stop that at once and cutt of all cell phone bills. I'd even tak her check books and chard cards form her until she proves that you can depend upon her, or shelj not hesitate to bu new ones.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, everyone for the 2x4's. I know I've put up with more than some of you would recommend for the sake of keeping my family together. I'm trying to take in all of your advice, choose my battles and figure out where to draw a line in the sand.
I started to push back last night. I fell asleep getting my D3 to bed, and when I woke up, W was IM'ing W OM. As soon as she noticed I was awake, she turned her screen away from me. I got up to let the dogs out, and went in to use the office computer. I opened up AIM, and added the OM's screen name to my buddy list to confirm he was online, then 30 seconds later, I received an IM from my W:
W: what are you doing? H: Was turning off lights, then going downstairs. Stopped in here to turn stuff off. Why? W: just curious as to why you were spying on me and just added OM to you buddy list. H: Wasn't aware my buddy list was that interesting to you two. Trying not to make a big deal out of it. W: turned my computer so you wouldn't freak out, so you go in there and freak yourself out. haven't talked to him in days. you need to chill out H: I was fairly chilled, and like I said, wasn't making a big deal out of it. Had you not brought it up, it wasn't planning on saying anything. W: you weren't that chilled or you wouldn't have felt the need to spy H: If you hadn't turned your screen away as soon as you knew I was awake, it wouldn't have seemed like it was a big deal, and I would have let it go. When you deliberately hide things from me, especially with him, it makes me feel like you don't respect me or our marriage. W: i only hide it b/c you get in a twist if you know i'm talking to him at all H: If you want me not to get in a twist, you need to be transparent when it comes to him. No sneaking, and no hidden emails or texts. W: i'm only trying to save myself from an all-night fight/ lecture over nothing like NOW H: If you want to rebuild the trust in our marriage, you need to be transparent with me when it comes to your male friends. There is no reason for a man to be "just friends" with a married woman when he isn't friends with her husband. W: that's ridiculous i'm not talking about this at 3 in the morning H: I told you what I need to help rebuild trust. It's up to you to let me in to your world and show me that our marriage means more to you than your relationships with OM, OM2, OM3 and any other men you're talking to. There's nothing else to talk about. W: friendships. they're all just friendships. W: and i talk to plenty of women too. you make it sound like i only talk to men. H: I'm not asking you to stop talking to anyone, male or female, or give up any friendships. If you want me not to worry, show me I don't have reason to worry. Keep me included and don't keep things hidden from me. If these are all just harmless friendships, then it shouldn't matter if you keep me informed and involved. W: there's no reason for me to tell you every detail of every conversation regarding ANY of my friends. if they wanted you to know what they were confiding in me, they'd tell you. that's a bit much to ask. you don't trust me. H: I am trying to rebuild the trust in our marriage. If you want to do that, you need to find a way to include me and show me there is nothing to worry about.
I brought the dogs back in and came back upstairs. She had stopped IM'ing OM, and acted like nothing had happened. We watched a few minutes of TV, then went to bed. Two hours later, she woke me up and asked if I wanted to ML. I asked her why she wanted to, and she said she didn't know, she just did and thought I might want to, too. It was good (sorry if that's TMI...), and to my surprise, she kissed me during (?!?).
Things are quiet so far today. No fallout, no drama. Waiting to see what happens next...
