While I would say it is never too late, I would say that if you are already out of the house, then you need to move to another complex altogether, and stop with the coffee and dinners. If you are gonna go dark, then you need to be dark. You are just playing with your own emotions. You will never be able to detach, free your mind, or GAL if you are still dragging yourself down. By sticking yourself back into the sitch to have the R talks, you are being detrimental to the possiblility of healing yourself, and possibly fixing the M. However, I see no way of repair without the use of some counseling on her/both of your parts.
Is it just me, or do others realize how ridiculous their situation sounds when its put it in writing? Below are some clarification in response to some of the comments I have received.
Yes, I was the one to move out (smaller less expensive apt). I did this in anticipation of the divorce happening in early January and her being gone the end of January. So far, she has not followed through with the divorce. I am writing the checks for both apartments but we still share a checking account and she is still depositing her paycheck each week (weird huh?).
Instead of moving to another complex, I am considering giving notice for the apartment she lives in. I just signed a lease for my apartment.
I did not mention this in my original post (didn't want it to be too long) but we are each seeing individual counselors. She is dealing with issues not directly related to our marriage (depression, and other stuff). My counselor started out as our marriage counselor.
move back home, give up your smaller apartment. Ask her to move out, take back the master bedroom, you're not concerned what she does at this point, you are concerned with what YOU do at this point.
I agree with robx. That's why I asked if you moved out. Go back. And if she asks WTF are you doing, just say that you decided to move back in since you're paying for it. Let her find somewhere else to go.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You saw my earlier post to see that you are her new BFF. Do you accept this role? If you do, then keep doing what you are doing and you will continue to be her BFF until she finds another or until she decides that you have been so great a friend, that she wants to try to be your wife again.
If you are not cool with that role, then decide what you need to do to change it. If I read your original post correctly, she has had at least two affairs. What did you do to ensure that they would never happen again.
Last year my wife had an EA. I did the "nice" thing and never even let her know I knew about it. She broke it off on her own accord and things went back to "normal". Now, one year later we are right back where we started. BECAUSE NOTHING CHANGED. THE TIMER JUST GOT RESET!!! I have to do something different this time or I will get the same response. I know I am going to pull the trigger this weekend, I am just trying to decide how big a bullet to use (probably not the best metaphor to use on this site, but you get the idea).
If you are cool where you are because you are too scared to rock the boat then fine. But just understand and be cool with the fact that where you stand right now is one stamp away from divorce.
Me 36 W 40 S 13, 9, 7 ILYBNILWY 2-08 Discovered EA 3-08 Reconciled 7-08 She says she's been faking it 11-09 She wants to separate 12-09
No one on here is trying to set you off. We all only have what info you give us to offer advice on. Everyone here is here for many of the same reasons as yourself. Keep in mind though that every situation is similar, while still very different in it's own way. Not one of us is here to promote a divorce in any way, just to help the person asking for advice in the best possible way we can. Giving as much info as possible to your situation will help all of us understand as much as we can. I would never tell the LBS to leave, ever. However, you have already left the home. If you can take back your home, that is going to be your best option, for you.
The Last Resort only works if it is implied as a LRT. That means going dark, and you have said yourself you did not go dark. As you describe your current sitch, I don't feel this is the right technique for you at this time. What you really need to figure out and employ are some boundaries. Seek out Gucci and Puppy Dog, they offered me some good advice on boundaries. If anyone else on here can help here, feel free to add to this, please.
Hi All. Thank you for the comments. I am pondering all of this right now and will post more soon.
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
