Too Late For Us?

[sandi2]

If you are cool where you are because you are too scared to rock the boat then fine.

And that seems to be the largest problem amoung the LBH's that first arrive here on the board. They are filled with so much fear that it paralyzes them.

I have been much better about not begging, pleading, etc. Although I do screw up, I am not as desperate. I will occasionally say something like "Are you ready to work on the marriage?" I try not to say "I love you" but often slip up -- usually during a goodbye hug.

Oh, ick!

[mrbt]

You saw my earlier post to see that you are her new BFF. Do you accept this role?. . . If you are not cool with that role, then decide what you need to do to change it. If I read your original post correctly, she has had at least two affairs. What did you do to ensure that they would never happen again.

No, I do not accept the role of BFF. I am here looking for advice as to what changes I need to make. I moved out because it seemed that we were done. The move was a step towards getting a life. Had we owned a home, I would not have left. Being that it is just an apartment, moving to a smaller place seemed like the best option for me.

Yes, this did happen before (same guy 15 years ago). Back then she made the decision to stay. We agreed to put it behind us, not discuss it, and move on with our lives. In retrospect, this was not a good plan. This time around it was an emotional affair - geographic distance prevented it from going physical. I decided to pursue marriage counseling rather than bury it (we are each seeing individual counselors now).

Based on some of the comments I have received so far, I am questioning whether or not moving out was the best choice. I do feel it has reduced the tension between us. I also think it provides enough space for me to get a life - while being close enough for her to notice. Am I wrong about this?

I have mentioned possibility moving back home and she didn't have a problem with it. In fact, she asked me not to leave. I told her I would not stay unless she agreed to put the divorce on hold and work on the marriage. Under my circumstances, would moving back be perceived as pursuing?

[Lotus]

It depends on why you move home. If you move back in because keeping two places is simply too expensive, I don't think that is pursuing. If you move back in because your name is on the lease and you are responsible for the rent, that's not pursuing. If you move back in because you want to watch her comings and goings, that might be pursuing, but is probably more controlling. If you are moving back in so you can shop for her, cook her meals, clean up, and kiss her goodnight, that would be pursuing.

[jasper67]

I agree w/ Lotus, but I don't think it should inhibit you from doing some 180's.

I think they should be those dealing w/ what you were not doing for yourself though- cleaning you messes, dishwasher, etc.

Anything involving mutual things cooking, favors, etc- you should hold off on at first.

[mrbt]

Hello All.

Yesterday I was feeling optimistic about our situation and was starting to think moving back home was a good idea. Now, I am not so sure.

Things have been pretty good between us for the last week or so. She spent the night at my place a couple times during the week. On Saturday we went to the movies, spent the day together, and had dinner out. I spent the night at her place Saturday night (she asked me to stay). We were intimate a couple of times - prior to this past week, this hasn't happened in a long long time.

On Sunday morning we talked about our financial situation and the possibility of me moving back home. She did not object - she mentioned possibly dumping our old apartment and coming to stay with me instead (because its less expensive).

This morning, she stopped over for a visit and her mood was very low (she had come from her counseling session and is usually depressed afterwards -- sometimes for a day or two). She told me that she had talked to her lawyer about a few things (paper work for splitting the 401K, selling the land that we own, etc.).

So, it appears that she is still proceeding with the divorce. I suspected this was the case, but didn't know for sure as I have been trying to avoid discussing the relationship. And, since we have been enjoying our time together recently, I was hoping things were about to change.

Now I am not sure what I should do. If she is planning on leaving soon, moving home isn't that appealing to me. It seems that she only wants me home because she feels guilty about the extra expense of my apartment.

[mrbt]

I am interested in opinions on the following . . .

The problems between my wife and I began with an emotional affair that started in May of 2009 and ended in late June (or so I am told). From that point on I have been told that the EA has nothing to do with my wife's desire to end our marriage. Now its all about "I care about you but have no feelings for you" ( I don't actual even get the "I Love You Part of ILYBNILWY).

How important is it to get at the truth? I suspect that the EA may still be going on but I have no way of knowing for sure. If I ask she will deny it - If a press the issue it turns into a fight and a relationship talk. The rules say no snooping, don't discuss the relationship.

So, does it matter? Do I need to know? Sometimes I feel like there is more to the story than I am being told. I feel that she would not be so determined otherwise.

Any thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am interested in opinions on the following . . .

The problems between my wife and I began with an emotional affair that started in May of 2009 and ended in late June (or so I am told). From that point on I have been told that the EA has nothing to do with my wife's desire to end our marriage. Now its all about "I care about you but have no feelings for you" ( I don't actual even get the "I Love You Part of ILYBNILWY).

How important is it to get at the truth? I suspect that the EA may still be going on but I have no way of knowing for sure. If I ask she will deny it - If a press the issue it turns into a fight and a relationship talk. The rules say no snooping, don't discuss the relationship.

So, does it matter? Do I need to know? Sometimes I feel like there is more to the story than I am being told. I feel that she would not be so determined otherwise.

Any thoughts?

How important is it? It's EVERYTHING.

Consider:

- If she IS still having an affair (whether it's EA or PA), it is affecting her emotions and her decision-making physiologically. That's a FACT. It would mean her affair is awash with PEAs ("love" chemicals), and she is in the resultant fog that would mean you should largely dismiss her feelings as "affair fog."

- If she is NOT still in contact, and has been no-contact for at least a few months, then her marital complaints and emotions toward you are exponentially more legitimate, and you should factor that into your decision-making.

The "no snooping" thing is really "no ONGOING snooping," as it will only make you nuts. But there are times when it makes good sense, and I believe this is one of those times (when trying to make a potentially life-changing decision about fighting for your marriage, or to confirm supposed "no-contact").

I would say that it's time to find out, independently.

Puppy

[ShockedOne]

I agree with PDT. It may be snooping, but it is for your sanity. Look where you need to get the info you need to, ie...cell phone, e-mail, social networks(facebook, myspace), get your info, and leave it alone at that point. If you continue looking, you are going to drive yourself nuts trying to find something more. Do you have any friends that may have info for you that you can trust? It sounds like a EA to me, so just prepare yourself for what you may find. Best of luck to you man, and keep in mind we are all here for you.
Shock

[sandi2]

I think you need to know the source that is pulling her down and depressing her about the M. It sounds as if it is her IC or lawyer. If it were the OM from her EA, I think she would simply pull back, but would not appear depressed.

I know I told you that I agreed with moving back home, but under the circumstances (and since there are no small children) you might need to have things on a much stronger path or you'll find yourself back where you started. You are telling her that you don't want to move back unless she is ready to work on the M, but I'm wondering if she's really hearing that. It seems that she is enjoying the "romance" and it could be that that is what she wants to continue. She may feel that you are acting more like you did before she M you. You probably have paid more attention to her, complimented her, etc. What do you think?

If the EA is not over, then your moving out and moving back in would not accomplish anything. I don't know how you would find out unless you had a chance to check out her computer and phone. Do you have access to her phone bill?

[sandi2]

BTW, I went to an IC when I was having an EA......and she "encouraged" me by saying nothing at all was wrong in what I did! That's why I said her IC could be discouraging her. The lawyer won't make money unless she D you, right? Just my thoughts.