Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[rockedworld]

Overall sounds like a wonderful weekend! You deserve it!
I hear ya on the triggers, and the on-going thoughts about wondering if all the positive efforts in the world can ever make it ok. In the end, nothing can ever make being betrayed "ok", and we all have to decide if we can live in a R that is scarred by that. We each have our own journey through those questions, and I have a lot of empathy for your struggles with that.
Sending positive thoughts your way while you continue to look at your long term choices...

[talia]

Hey Pearl,
I have a thought... not sure if it will actually help or not.

Seems like you haven't really forgiven BF for what he did. Seems to me that you are trying to put the cart before the horse. If you haven't forgiven him yet - whether you end up together or not - you can't really decided IF you should stay together.

My thought is maybe instead of focusing on whether or not you should be together long term... you should focus on forgiveness??
Once you've forgive you will be free to decide whether or not you two are really compatible??

I just got my recent book order - one is called "How Can I forgive you - the power to forgive and the freedom not to" I also go "Love Must be Tough" "Art of Seduction" "Not just friends" so at least I have some fun reading ahead. I'll let you know about the forgiveness book - seems to me that's the thing that will help me put away the hate and move toward indifference.

Seems like he's trying to do his part - he did a GREAT job planning a trip YOU would love. That counts for something... I'm not sure what

Not sure this helps... Just my thoughts!!!

T

[pearlharbr]

Thanks Tal, that is something to think about.

The forgiveness issue is a tricky one for me. He refused to ask for forgiveness for so long and it really pissed me off. By the time he did I was more angry about the fact that he didn't ask for so long.

I think I have forgiven him for the affair. I understand what each of us contributed to the problems leading up to it. I understand why he, wrongly, thought it was the only way to feel better. I know that he is truly sorry and is sincere in working on changes to make things better.

But there is a little piece of me that doesn't forget that it felt like pulling teeth to get to this point. I was beating my head against a wall and ready to give up several times. I wonder if it will always be like that--he will do as little as possible until I am ready to walk away and then he'll step up with a big gesture to smooth things over for a while.

That's what I don't think I have forgiven for--his behavior after the fact.

Guess I should put that book on my library list.

[rockedworld]

I just noticed that book in the book store... by the same author as AFA if I remember correctly. I almost bought it, but thought I've got enough reading on the go so it is one for down the road. Talia, let us know what you think...

Forgiveness is a process IMHO. It's not a one time thing. You may have forgiven him for the A, but you are still going to need to keep doing it over and over when the hurt and anger resurface. For me, I feel like I have made the decision to forgive but am now in the process of that on a day to day basis. And, with a betrayal like this, it is a loooooonnnng process!

[talia]

Someone told me that when I truly forgive H I will see the A the same way I do the women in his life before me... Not sure I believe that but who knows.... I may never have to actually forgive him. The way I see it those are things I can choose to deal with but if I don't its not a huge deal unless he wants to come home - which it appears he doesn't.


Interesting thoughts in general


T

[pearlharbr]

For the first time in a while I am furious. I'm so angry I'm shaking.

It started with my exercise class this morning. There's a woman in class who looks like OW. When I noticed that I started wondering what I would do if OW walked into the class. I shook it off, or so I thought.

This afternoon I was writing an email to my BFF and told her I was pretty sure I'm going to move to SF. I realized why I've (almost) made this decision. I brought the topic of moving up with BF about three weeks ago. He told me he needed time to think about it. Fine, I know he needs to analyze and then come back. But not a word about it since then. I'm sick and tired of being the one responsible for starting every serious conversation we have. If he's not going contribute to the discussion then I'm going to make decisions unilaterally. He can go along or go alone. So now I'm perterbed.

I talk to BF this afternoon. He asks if we're still going to dance class tonight. Why wouldn't we go? Oh, I don't know, maybe you don't want to go today. I love Lindy Hop. I love taking these classes and I want to start going to the Friday night dances. If he doesn't want to go tonight then he should just say so instead of trying to put it off on me. Like everything else.

I start to fix dinner. I can't find the casserole dish I want to use. I can't find the cat food spatula. This is an ongoing little thing--he does the dishes but he doesn't put things back where they belong so I am often searching for items when I'm cooking. Now I'm spiraling down into a full blown episode. Why the hell am I staying here in this house where he brought and f*cked that whore? Why am I staying with someone who treated me with such utter disrespect?

BF calls to tell me he's leaving the office. It's late and he's barely going to make it home in time to get to dance class. He can tell I'm pissed off about something. And now, self-fulfilling prophecy?, I don't want to go to dance class because I can't stand the thought of looking at him or being that close to him.

[Dudess]

Maybe you've identified the pervasive issue with him - avoidance, easy way out, not dealing with things directly and honestly.

Here, he obviously had some big feelings about the moving to SF issue, and as you say, he does not approach. He doesn't say, "I think I'm going to have to work late tonight and I might be quite tired by dance class time, is it really important to you that we go tonight?" Also, failure to disclose pertinent info about stuff he did with OW and flirty emails from other women. Of course the biggie is - having an affair instead of talking with you about his unhappiness. Sort of a general spinelessness.

I get it Pearl. I really do.

Please take some time to cool off tonight and think things through. Seeing the OW look-alike was a big trigger. Your concerns are valid, but make your decision when you are feeling calmer.

[avermont]

Yow, that all sounds hard.

How very hard to bring up such a big topic: let's move to SF...and then hear...radio silence. Hello? do I have to bring it up again? what do you think about it?

Is this sort of communication something you can or have tried to work thru in MC?

It would be very hard to live with that. Next time: what do you think about having a baby? and waiting...and waiting...for him to speak up about that.

But, overall, you were triggered, and more sensitive, and more upset than you otherwise might be.

Hopefully you can take a deep breath, and confront BF on this-and big topics like moving to SF--when you are more calm.

How does he feel about moving? What holds him where you are--work? friends? family?

Sorry it's a rough patch--and I was enjoying hearing how sore you were after PB class!

[pearlharbr]

Thanks Dudess and avermont

BF came home and said "Why are you mad at me?" Several reasons. He says nothing and just stands there. I was still shaking and decided this was not the best time to launch into everything. I don't think I want to discuss it right now. He goes to change his clothes, I go upstairs and start bawling in the bathroom. After a little while I go back downstairs to get my computer and told him I'm probably overreacting right now so I need some space to cool off and retreat to the bedroom.

Sort of a general spinelessness.

That's it exactly. I go back and forth between thinking I need a man who has a backbone and won't let me get away with crap and thinking it's good that we have different temperaments because I don't know that I want a R with someone else who's argumentative and emotional.

And it is a major character flaw but no one is perfect. I'm lazy and spoiled and it affects BF's life negatively. But he's willing to accept me as I am. Or at least until he gets sick of me again and has another affair. Which he swears will never happen.

av, we haven't been to MC since getting back together. Yes, I think we need to because obviously there's still work to be done. But I didn't want to waste the time and money unless/until I decided that I wanted to stay with him. Is that putting the cart before the horse?

What's holding him here? He has a good job and he loves the lifestyle we have here. He likes that it's sunny all the time and he can golf, do outdoor activities and can afford to travel, go out to eat and do all the other fun things we do. He does tend to get wanderlust so I'm not sure he wants to stay here forever, but I know he's worried about moving somewhere that's super expensive and losing the standard of living.

The immediate problem is that we're spending all day together tomorrow. We're working on the bottling crew for the local whiskey distillery in the morning then have the afternoon free since BF had to take the day off. We have dinner reservations with friends and then we're all going to a comedy show. It's supposed to be a fun day but I'm worried that I'll still be pissy and ruin it.

And no worries on the kid discussion: I am not having them.

[mindfull]

Pearl -

Wow. Bad day, huh? I'm sorry!!!

The OW-look-alike was a big trigger. I have no experience w/this, but can only say... have you really forgiven him if this type of thing keeps coming up? He, obviously, makes some great efforts for your relationship. What's missing?

And, the "talking..." A lot of LBW's here deal with this same thing. Not sure what the answer is, because it JUST SUCKS. They talktalktalk about everything else in life, but what's important!

HUGS FRIEND