Too Late For Us?

[Number 8]

It sounds like a lovely evening. You can't beat wine and the Olympics. I'm so inspired by the Olympics that I'm going ice skating with some friends tomorrow. I haven't yet decided if I'll take up snowboarding or the luge. One thing at a time.

Keep doing all that you can do. It's worth it.

[mrbt]

Hi All. Thought I would post an update.

We did not go away for the weekend as originally planned (didn't want to do the long drive) but we did have a good weekend together. On Saturday we helped feed homeless people with a church group/friends from wife's job. On Sunday we cooked together, went for a walk, went to the YMCA to work out, and watched a movie. She stayed at my place Saturday night; I stayed at her place on Sunday night.

This all sounds very positive when I write about it but.... I still feel very uneasy about the pending divorce. It was very difficult for me not to initiate a conversation about our marriage -- I didn't but wanted to.

Am I doing this right? It seems counter intuitive. I feel like I should just ask "are you divorcing me or not?" but, I know if push for an answer, I will not like the answer I get. On the other hand, I feel like I am just ignoring reality.

[ShockedOne]

Most DB tactics will feel counter productive toward the outcome you are paying toward. Do exactly what you seem to be doing, it seems to be working, and let us know how your next coaching session goes.

[mrbt]

Hi All. Am I being too nice?

Things having been going fairly well recently. Last night we had dinner together at her place and then watched television. When spend time together, she usually sits in the recliner and I sit on the sofa. Last night, about half way through the show we were watching, She got up and sat close to me on the sofa. It was nice; like old times.

Today she was moody and irritated. She told me to stop being nice to her - or stop doing nice things (cannot recall her words exactly). I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. In this instance, I took the trash out (I was leaving and would drive by the dumpster on my way out of the complex).

I am not sure what to make of this. Is she pulling back because she let her guard down last night? Is this feeling guilty because I am still being nice (being myself) as she proceeds with her divorce plan? Do I need to avoid anything that might be perceived at nice or considerate? Do I need to back off and entirely?

[mrbt]

Hi All. Another update.

Had a relationship discussion with W this morning. I had no intention of initiating a relationship discussion but my emotions got the best of me.

She invited me over for coffee this morning. During my visit I let out one of those heavy sighs (not intentional). She asked what was on my mind. I deflected the question a couple of times but she persisted. Finally, I asked if she had given any thought to the idea of me moving back home. She gave me some evasive answers and finally said something like: "No because I won't be sticking around and you said you didn't want to come home if I was leaving anyway." This is true, I see no point in moving back just to have her pack a bag and go.

The extra cell phone has been bugging me and so I asked: "Are you still talking to OM?" she denied it but she is so good at lying that I have no idea if she is being truthful. I know that even asking was pointless.

Apparently she her plans have not changed. She still plans to proceed with the divorce.

It seems like its time to go dark, or at least very dim. Problems is: I am not very good at the going dark thing.

[luvless]

For YOUR sake - go dark! not dim

[mrbt]

Thanks Luvless.I know I need to do this but its freakin' hard for me. We've been together almost every day for 25 years. I didn't even need to shave when we met. I had a 29 waist. I had big 1980's hair and big 1980's glasses.

[ShockedOne]

mrbt,

It seems to me that you are only hurting yourself by continuing to spend this much time with W. When things are good, it's easy to spend time together, but it appears to just be false hope.

Have you thought of a plan b letter? Just an idea you may need to consider. Here are some samples.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428

[mrbt]

Shock. Thank you. I book marked the link and will check it out.

[luvless]

Thanks Luvless.I know I need to do this but its freakin' hard for me. We've been together almost every day for 25 years. I didn't even need to shave when we met. I had a 29 waist. I had big 1980's hair and big 1980's glasses.

Hey..I understand...my H was just turning 19! my son is now 19 so yes, I do know what its like to be with someone for over 20 years.

Hugs mrbt