Nothing works, when I try GAL and do more of my own thing, she does even more of her own thing. When I try going dark, she goes even darker and colder. Now after almost four years of this, she is starting to make arrangments to leave the home, she has found a house and talking about how she wants to split things up. She really wants a D but after talking to a lawyer, she found out that the court would grant her child support that whould be more than I could afford. We both make the same $$ so what she really wants is to split custody 50/50 with no child support. I feel like I have no options, I can't make her realize how much I still love her, I can't stop her from filing on her own and the court granting her child support and destroying any possible way of having a normal home life at my house. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
I see you have been signed up since 10/07. You have done a few touch and go's here on this board. Can you fill in the blanks from 2-09 to 8-09 and then to present. It sounds like your W is depressed. I guess that no news flash!
Why does she get the child support if you have 50/50 custody? If she is MLC then
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Nothing works, when I try GAL and do more of my own thing, she does even more of her own thing.
that is not surprising. There are no magic buttons or tricks here.
Why do you want our advise now? Did it work in the past? Did it not work?
I believe that what is happening is that your wife sees you doing things and in her mind, she thinks that you are only doing things to get her attention. She knows exactly what buttons to push w/you. Also, if you are out there doing your thing and she goes darker than dark on you or her attitude flares up. Right away you begin to think that whatever you doing isn't working....not true. If she didn't see what you were doing, she wouldn't be reacting the way she is.
My advice....stop and think about what you are doing. Are you doing and/or making changes to get her attention/reaction or are you really doing them for you? If you are doing them to win her back, then stop right there! This will not work. The changes have to be for YOU! The changes must become a permanent part of your life and you cannot revert back to them if you think they are not working.
If she is set on moving out, let her go. She needs to see and experience the cold cruel world for a while. She needs space and time to think about her life and where she wants to go. You cannot change her mind right now, so drop the rope, concentrate on what you can do for yourself and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Unless your law is REALLY different than what I experienced, it should be possible for you and your wife to decide upon the settlement terms of either a divorce or a legal separation.
I was divorced without the use of a lawyer or mediator. My ex and I discussed the terms of our dissolution, got some sample forms from our local courthouse, and WE decided on what terms the marriage would end.
Of course this only works if the two of you get along reasonably well and can manage to agree on those terms.
Should you actually get to that point, it's worth checking out. I think, in general, if the two of you put together a comprehensive settlement agreement that a judge could look at and see that all bases are covered, he/she would be inclined to agree to what the two of you have agreed to.
That being said, I will tell you that I agree completely with what Snodderly has told you.
Number one is that "changes" you have made are not supposed to be designed to win your marriage back. These are changes that you put into place because you've taken advantage of the time apart to do some introspection and found things that you knew you didn't like. They are changes that YOU want, changes that YOU need.
The fact that they can often cause our wandering spouse to consider us differently is just a sometimes benefit. We do these changes REGARDLESS of how they respond, because we know they need to be done.
Secondly, you have no idea what your spouse is thinking about what she has seen in you. Mind reading is a dangerous activity when you are dealing with a marriage in crisis. It keeps you defeated, and defeated people are NOT attractive.
Make this about you and for you. Let your wife deal with her issues in her way. Find happiness in the new you that you are becoming and find a way to weather the storm of the conflict between the two of you.
Drop the rope....maybe do some digging to find out what that means and how it might be something you need to work on.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
