Back here, for the second time... #69

[awest1217]

You should really take this week to really figure out what you want. It seems that you both love each other on some level, but there is only so much a person can take. Have some fun, relax as much as you can, and try to figure out what is best for you.

[john210]

Hey Maria,

When I read the depressed hypothesis laid out by some people, I can not really comment because I have no experience in the matter (happily). You are the best judge of what your husband is going through. I heard a dr. on Larry King say that Tiger looked depressed yesterday...i did not notice. Since you are not buying it I will take your word for it. Simply put, his inability to move is one of three things. As you stated, he loves you but is not in love with you. He is getting his love somewhere else. He has a physical condition that does not permit him to pursue you (ok the last one is pretty vague but it is the best I can do this morning). What is painfully apparent is that you are not happy. I have not read many books and have had limited experience with piecing. I can't think of any moment since his return that you actually described as happy or joyous or amourous. Caring yes. That is probably what your C saw as well when she asked why are you sticking around....even if you were seperated or divorced what would you lose (other than finances potentially). Please remember Maria that the picture we see is the one you paint for us...your view of your life. It lacks .... colour. Vivid, vibrant colours. You will have to add those colours and not expect your H to supply them for you. If the tendancy is maintained, not in the near future anyway.

You lived with H pre bomb and now have been piecing for a while. You have a councellor who although does not know H (who is probably forming an opinion according to what you describe) telling you what you see is what you get.
At this point I echo Kerry's sentiments which are probably indicative of many others here....your H is who he is and you know what he brings to the table....you and only you know if that is what you want going forward. I am sure that some folks here would give their right arm to be in piecing...you are where we have all aspired to be....myself included. I came to a realization as you well know. I could not live with what was presented to me....I gave up alot....today I am rebuilding slowly....I am slowly rebuilding John.....

Angelo a buddy of mine who has gone through some tough times (like we all have) once told me something that I laughed off at the time (I usually laugh off most of what he says). He told me that happiness is ALL about expectations. The higher your expectations, the higher the chance of being disappointed. Makes sense if you think about it....

[addie]

Kalni,

I know what you are going through on almost all levels, including a very sick father. I'm experiencing the very same things with H - the only difference is the physical aspect. I have no words of advice but just wanted to lend some support.
Hang in there!

[Kalni]

I am sorry about your dad addie. Thanks for understanding.

John, I am venting, I am thinking out loud here. I dont talk about my "M" with my friends anymore. They feel they have to advise me something and I know they cant. I am not always, every minute questioning my choices, I do often, but not always.

Btw, if I thought my expectations were too high or even just high, I would reconsider. I dont believe so.
K

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K, yes I remember how reluctant you were last September when he said he wanted to try again! I remember texting you every day from the beach hoping you would hear him out at least.

I know you cant do it on your own, I just think you retreated behind a wall and its still there isnt it. I saw you posted recently something about the more he isnt intimate with you, the more you continue to "hold back". So I was just asking how your communcation was, do you let him know in real time, at the moment how you feel, instead of just silently brooding, or storing up another disappointment, even if thats not obvious. At least you can come here and let it out. So.. I was curious, what exactly did you say to him when he told you you had to work on your birthday ??

I might be going on holiday for mine for that week... bf suggested Greece!

xxx

[Kalni]

Ohh great!! Come! For a week? Where do you want to go? Maybe I will join you (he he)...
K

[AliSuddenly]

He actually said, lets go and see Maria again!! Bless him. But maybe greece somewhere, is it warm there in mid March?? (its not warm here, there was ice on the roads this morning and snowing in parts of Cornwall!!) I fancy somewhere north on the mainland (near Thessoloniki?) thats supposed to be nice isnt it. We were meant to go there on holiday in July 07, we had the leave booked and I kept sending him the flights by email to book and they were going up, but in the end he refused to go.. he said he was "too tired".

xx

[Kalni]

Mid March is unpredictable. North is definitely colder than Athens. What would you like to do? That is the question.

I am not ignoring your questions. I am just trying to clear my vision a bit this week that he is away.

No, I didnt ask for a rain check. I didnt suggest I go with him, I didnt say we can do something on the weekend. I just told him not to worry about it. He caught me by surprise.
K

[fb2]

It's how we are. I am more passionate about things and life and since I decided to turn this around, I am willing to work hard for it. He isnt that way. As long as he doesnt do his part, I hold back, as long as I hold back, he isnt "feeling" well into our M. Again a gridlock.

Are you working "smart" instead to break this useless cycle? The WAS usually does not or is incapable of doing the work, and perhaps you are expecting what's not possible or are coming to incorrect conclusions. I didn't sense you were in "piecing" after reading your recent posts. What most of the others are saying about "negative thinking", the shallowness of "birthday/valentine's day" feelings and "expectations" in general seems to come across to me too. Perhaps his coming back means you have to change in these areas. You are right that others' advice (including the C, and mine too) is just that something seen thru' their narrow vision and so you'd have to pause to think about it and then either use it or blow it away - I discovered this the very hard way myself.

[kat727]

I am sure you are overwhelmed with all the advice you receive. While he is gone, do stuff just for you and the kids. Recharge your batteries. Do a dinner party for friends on your birthday. Have a lovely day today, just because.

hugs, kat