I think I am going tell her about the problem and what I intend to do about it. Let it only for awhile and see what developes.
Essantially that is really all I can do.
The choice is her to accept me or move on.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
As long as you understand that she won't decide to accept or move on the minute you say this.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
She will not care at all about you telling her, in her mind it will be just another cheap attempt at making an excuse for why you are the way you are and give her more confidence that the decision she is making is valid.
Just take care of it for yourself, telling her will do nothing, she will say Im glad you are getting the help you need, and in her mind she will be saying, good lord, I'm glad Im getting away from all that drama.
Just take care of it yourself for yourself, if you are doing it for yourself, she does not need to know about it. She will find out about it, and she will like it when she knows it is not manipulation to get her back.
I use to tell my wife everything I did for her, If I washed the car for her, I wanted to tell her so she could appreciate it. I learned that doing things for her is the right thing to do, not at trick to get me brownie points. Now when I wash the car for her and then she finds the car clean, she is much more appreciative. Do you get where Im going with all this.
Do it because it is the right thing to do, do not help yourself for the sole purpose of telling her Im going to fix myself so you can love me again. Because that is the only reason you will be telling her.
I think you are right. She did say some of the things I've been doing make her feel manipulated.
How will she find out about it though???
I made the appointment for this week. I need to make some serious changes for myself.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
She will see the difference, and finally she may ask you about it, simply say, "I've been putting this off for a long time, but I finally have taken the steps necessary for a happy me."
But do not worry about whether or not she does notice or not, just make sure you do this for you. The alternative of telling her will do more harm than good.
I have one other concern and that she said something about time.
In our latest convo she asked how long does she need to wait?
For her she has been waiting a long time for me to make a change.
She even suggested I get checked out for my sleeping disorder.
I decided over the weekend to give up coffee and beer, and to see a doctor about my anxeity.
I am already feeling the efffects of no coffee.
I know this new course of actions for me will take time.
Time I may not have.
She has suggested we draw up a Post-Marital Agreement in case she decides to end it.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I will TCB for myself. STop thinking about her actions and present myself to her in my best light.
Check back soon.
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 02/22/1007:03 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
1. Don't tell her you understand she might need to move on (or any variation of the phrase...) To me it's saying move on, any way it's worded.
2. The changes you are making should be solely for you. A bonus would be if your wife sees the changes and realizes you are not all talk.
Keep your chin up, make the appointment, and fill her in on what you think is going on, when your appointment is, and if you feel comfortable, invite her along to share her insights.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Do not help her in the process, speak to a lawyer about your rights, but this is her decisions she should do the legwork. How often does she contact you, because I KNOW you are not contacting her correct?
I do not contact her at all. I see her twice aweek when we drop the kids off at each thers places. I do not bring up anything about the R, just kids stuff if needed.
We had our talk last week and she said she was going to email the website of the mediator.
She has not done that yet.
As for telling her to move on, I won't in anyway suggest that b/c it's not what I want.
I blow it one time when she ashed how my counseling was going. I was angry at her and was very short with my answer.
I won't make that mistake again.
If she asks I will go much deeper.
I am no longer angry at her and now I'm focusing on solutions,
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
