Yeah, I'm still out here. I got caught up in the Christmas preparations, so hadn't been back in a while. Thanks all. Looking at the positives, at least occasionally, has been all that has kept me going at all. That and hopes that the marriage would improve. I guess reaching the end of my 40's, I'm feeling a bit like I missed out, made wrong choices that I am stuck with. I have to try to put the thoughts of what is missing out, and when I do things appear better. I don't know how to keep those negative thoughts away though. I also keep running into walls while trying to cultivate the closeness that I yearn for, and that frustration then leads back to the negative thoughts. Wash rinse repeat.
I guess reaching the end of my 40's, I'm feeling a bit like I missed out, made wrong choices that I am stuck with.
MLC? What are you referring to when speaking of wrong choices?
What are your children's ages? Are any of them adopted?
Sorry I have not read your previous threads. Maybe you could practice more compassion towards your wife? 6 children require a lot of time, work and patience. They need their ENs met too (by their parents).
What can you do to become more attractive to your wife? I'm pretty sure being a kid #7 is not that.
Wrong choices means getting married. I had second thoughts a few months before the wedding, and called it off. Wrote it off to cold feet and got married anyway. Our honeymoon was kind of a bust, only ML once in the 8 days we were away. The sex life went down from there, and I think I ended up harboring a lot of resentment over the years over it. Trying hard to let go, but frankly the loving feelings are kind of gone.
The kids are all our biological kids.
Mrs. GGB has kind of lost her sense of self. Her identity is pretty much "wife and mother of 6". Trying to help her figure out who she is and to be happy with herself. I don't think it can be fixed until she figures that part out.
Does Mrs. GGB know EXACTLY where you stand? Have you spoken frankly, honestly, and out of love with her about your concerns for her and your marriage? What consequences has SHE experienced as a result of how you feel?
I agree with you in that things won't get better until she figures out who she is and how to be happy with herself. What motivation does she have to do so? What help does she have from you in order to do such? This isn't something you can do for her, but perhaps being on kid-care duty could allow some space for her to do so. Are there things you could do on your own, i.e. cooking dinner, doing dishes, cleaning the house, etc that she is currently doing that would help her find some freedom from being Mom and Mrs. GGB?
I fully believe in the idea of letting the spouse feel the consequence of his/her actions. I took on many consequences of Mr. Em's actions, when they belonged fully to him. By doing such, he lacked the impetus to make changes. What is her impetus to change?
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I haven't gone away. Just contemplating and trying hard to figure all this out.
I don't know that MrsGGB knows exactly where I stand. I've told her, but she gives me very little feedback as to what she's hearing from me let alone how she feels.
... I long for a closeness that I see in other couples as well as depicted in movies etc. ...
I know just what you mean. I can be sitting in the stands at say a sporting event, and suddenly I take note of another couple in front of us, and I see the W put her arm around her H. And I think, how has that guy figured out how how to get his wife to actually reach out to touch him? How have I ended up so clueless at this? :] Why do I yearn so much to be touched by my DW? Sometime it effects me so greatly I cry inside... :[ (Gotta figure out the emoticons on the toolbar work...)
Hi GGB, I love the title of your post - that it is not just the sex but the playfulness that you are missing. Do you mind if I make a suggestion? Therapists are discovering how important laughter is in getting couples "unstuck", meaning laughing together can be some of the best therapy. Laughter releases oxytocin into the brain (the bonding hormone) and it cuts through anger and resentment faster than just about anything else. (Keep in mind, I am talking about the type of laughter shared together, not one party laughing at the other one!!)
Since one of your desires is for playfulness, is there some way you can incorporate more laughter into your relationship? What can you do just to have fun and laugh with your wife? Would she enjoy it if you took her on a date to a funny movie or comedy club? What made you guys laugh before the stress began to weigh down in your marriage? If you can reduplicate those times, you might be able to make strides towards a more playful marriage.
