Should I Tell Her to Move On???

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I know my changes are for me and I continuing to try to improve myself every day.
As for the mediator, the initial tlak was three plus weeks ago and after that she said she would email me the contact information. I never received the email.

She called me last week to ask about D5 school registration but then that led into talk about mediator once again.

She told me about the process taking 3-4 steps and that the mediator could represent both of us.
She then again said she would email me the infomation.

I did mention that I did want to talk to her in person and she said - What has changed?

I told her about my anxiety issues and my sleeping problems.
Per my DB coach.

She went on to say that she has been telling me to get the sleeping issue looked at for years.

Would do not talk other than for 3-5 minutes when we drop the kids off at each others place.

She knows how I feel about the M. She knows I want to work on it. But maybe I should tell I may or may not be willing to do so in the future. I dont know.


She still has not email me the meadiator info.
Do I proceed to ask her to sent it to me?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Well I just received the email about the Mediator.

I guess she thinks it's the solution.

I will call the mediator to find out exactly what's going on with the process.

[figgeroni]

it is your choice to throw in the towel whenever you want
I would caution you about the attitude of "because she wants this then I wil do that"

you are looking to make her the bad guy, it sounds, and you the victim

no one can make you the victim

carry yourself with grace and dignity in a way that your children will be proud of later

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I'm not one to quit at anything in fact I like a challenge.
I haven't gooten where I am now by giving up when things got tough.

This is no exception. It's like KS Chick said - DB isn't always about saving the M it's about improving the individual to get through this horrible experience.

I have my share of bad days and they are usually when my kids are not handleing it well. It breaks my heart to see my kids go through this too.

I haven't given up yet, Just need to focus harder on me not my situation.

I'll post more once it developes.
Thanks for stoppong by and responding.

[luvless]

hugs gr8 day....

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Well today I feel so much better.

I had a great time with the kids the past few days and got in some snuggle time too.

The weather has been great the past few days and that helps me to be in a good mood. The next 5 five days however it will be raining.

Dropped the kids off this morning and have had only one moment of sadness and that b/c I thought about how they are going to turn out.

W usually calls each night to say goodnight to the kids and D5 has asked her if she want to talk to me and W says NO.

The one time I had friends over for dinner with their little girl and W called. She told W who was over(innocently) and at the end she asked again if she wanted to talk to daady. W again said no.
They said good bye and then D5 turns to my friend and says "This is so difficult, they won't even talk to eachother"

I had to fight the tears back.

My kids often say things like this when their with me and W has no idea.
She thinks ther doing fine b/c they don't act like this when they are with her.

I have told her a few times the kids aren't doing has well as you think.

Refocusing on me and this mediator meeting to have a post-marriage agreemant drawn up.

She says that "if things don't work out" then the papers will be filed.

I have not seen an ounce of effort on her side to "work on things".

I guess we might as well file the papers once the agreement is determined and signed.

Any thoughts or encouraging words?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks for the hugs luvless

[tryingtilDorR]

Try to look at the mediation as an 'opportunity' - if you can hammer out an agreement with her using a mediator then you will save a lot of money on legal fees (maybe a few thousand instead of 10s of thousands).

The alternative is that she decides to file on her own, hires her own lawyer, and then you would have to do the same.

You can get a fair deal from a mediator but I would advice consulting with your own attorney on the side to know what is fair/obtainable in court if you went that route.

The mediated agreement should be as close to that as you can get it.

At the end of the day, if you have to go through this process, a mediated settlement is preferrable to her going off on her own and filing if you get close to what you would have ended up anyway if you had gone to court.

In my case, the mediator worked up child support/alimony figures that assume that my W doubles her work schedule. If my W filed on her own she could easily get a temporary order that didn't assume this, even though a permanent settlement would. The way I look at it, if she leaves we will use the mediated amount which ends up being much less than I would pay her if she had gone off on her own and got temporary support that assumed she works the same amount she does now.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Trying-
Thanks for the heads up. I spoke to the mediator yesterday and she said to save money W and I should try to agree on as much as possible before we meet with her. That way if everything is in place, all she as to do is drew up the agreement.

I have a funny feeling W will in turn tell her to file it on the spot.

I will be in defense mode throughout it all.

I don't believe my W when she says "If things don't work out" then we can file.

I think she is planning this to move forward with D.

Nice and easy for her, having all her ducks in a row.

Is there anything else I should know about the mediator??

[tryingtilDorR]

The things that you typically should try to come to agreement with on your own are (from my own situation - yours might be different):

Child Support/Alimony - mediator will give you the initial numbers
Splitting assets - what will happen to your community property, like your home
Child Visitation/Custody schedule - what is the custody split (50/50, etc) and based upon that who gets kids when
What to file - you can do the agreement and then file everything together, or you can file for separation or divorce at the beginning, and then once you finish the final agreement with the mediator file that.

What I did with my W, who wanted to 'separate' but didn't really want to look at the big picture, was to force her to start workign on a final agreement so that she could see the reality of what things would look like in the end. All she wanted to focus on was separating and having me pay her to help her afford a place, but I told her I wouldn't do it until we started looking at the big picture and what things would be like if we ultimately divorce, since I viewed any separation arrangement as a temporary thing.

One issue we had was the assumption about how much she would be expected to work. We got an agreement on that only by working with the mediator. When it came to the rest of the story (how to split time with kids, what to do with the family home, etc) she paused and didn't really want to hammer any of that out yet, which tells me she doesn't have her mind made up about the final outcome.

You may learn a lot about your W's intentions once you get into the mediator.