Flowmom, How funny, I was just thinking today how very hard it is to GAL with little kids. All the mom's keep canceling in my playgroup. I have yet to shower today, was glad to nap with my son since I was up with both kids and am super tired. Did a little here and there around the house but it doesn't seem like huge accomplishments- you know?
I have a flax, algae, omega supplement that I try to get my son to take. With the puking I am not giving it but am trying. I've never done fish oil- should try it.
Well, off to the store really quick
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I just want to add that it's very encouraging to read that things are on the mend in your M. It sounds like you really did a lot of work on yourself and your M.
I hope that your little one is feeling better.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
haha, I had forgotten to finish my story on here. Well, anyhow, we are where we are at now....BUT, I just am having so many problems with me now.
Feelings of self-worth, not good enough, is he really here cause he wants to be or is it for the kids. For years he hated me- I kept trying but felt always rebuffed. He was very nice to me twice today and it almost sends me into tears. Why couldn't you do this years ago? I have feel alone and rejected in this marriage for years. Years!
I mean I had my failings. I didn't realize it, but I had corrected that. I was trying to be a great wife. A wife that would make him happy. I had tried for so long- only to be rejected.
I feel like I still can't communicate with him. It seems to usually get turned around about him. Or upset occurs on his end. I feel myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the sh@t to hit the fan. I feel tense, on edge. I don't feel that Yipee! feeling you would time one would have if a spouse recommits to you. Just unbelievably incredible hurt. And yes, I can forgive easily- I really can and really truly have. But how do you erase hurt?
A person may have accidentally broken my arm- I forgive them but the hurt is still there.
I feel like a man that I at one time I know was super crazy in love with me is no longer there. The marriage.... feels like damaged-goods. Tarnished, broken but repaired but not the same.
With all of this- I felt stronger DBing then piecing. I feel like a broken spirit now. I was ready to be done. He was making it easy for me to feel that way. But to feel love again for him? He eventually realized how I felt. I think that shook him up.
That is much harder. I mean I love him, always have but was totally ready to let go of him. Future plans on doing the D deed myself. It was clear that after being told month after month after month that you are not loved. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. The marriage would have to end, I mean who could be married to a person that hated you, didn't respect you and looked at you with disgust.
Now, I am supposed to pretend like it didn't happen almost. Sweep it all under the rug. Talking about my hurt from the past years events just upsets my hubby so much. He always ask- Why can't you forgive the past? I explain- I have forgiven, I am having a hard time with my hurt. I really do not think he gets it.
I am just having a hard time. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
The day when I told him I would be sad if he died- he was the love of my life. He said he wouldn't feel that way- just sad for the kids. I was suprised. really, truly, nothing? Nope- he would not miss me he stated. Mind you at times he was starting to get lovey-dovey with me. Well, that was IT folks. He had been wishy-washy- showing me some loving actions but talking differently, etc. I felt like he was totally playing me for his benefit. I had HAD IT. . In no uncertain terms. I let him know the entire marriage was a big mistake, blah, blah. A D will happen in the future b/c I have shone month after f' month my love and dedication to him. If he wanted treat me like this- no one would blame me I would let the world know that my hubby no longer loved me- therefore after much, much effort on my end to work on the marriage- sadly the conclusion had to be D.
I really let him have it folks. All the times I felt regret marrying him. On and on
Afterwords, later on, I actually felt bad that I had said those things. I boldly went up to him and kissed and told him I loved him. He said it back and I was actually stunned. I told him you don't have to say it. He said no I mean it, I Love you.
My immediate thought- WTF?????? There was no happy feeling there just shock. How can you one minute tell me if I am dying you will not feel sadness for losing me and then the next minute tell me suddenly you are "in love" with me again?
I put up with 14 months of "I am done with you, I am hate you, I do not love you, I don't even want to be friends with you, etc" "I'll have sex with you but only for the sex not cause I love you"
14 months of my tears and heartache
So I tell him it's done in my mind and he suddenly has an epiphany? I don't know, I call bullsh@t, folks! Bull f' sh@t!
I think he has been super manipulative and controlling, and I don't know have to handle this. He states he felt the marriage was miserable and he didn't know what to do any more. IT seemed like a solution to him. It seemed to be working. I was acting super nice and trying to appease him, etc.
I am having hard time accepting that I could have been treated like this for so long, to be hurt in this manner. For his gain. As a way to get what he wanted.
So now he is on anti-anxiety med and he blames all past behavior on his anxiety and his "problem's as a person with his dysfunctional family". He is acting nicer and trying to show he loves me but.... I just don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I don't know what the hell is going on some days. I mean, why? Why would he do this to me? He knew, he saw how much pain I was in, Why? Why?
IDK, it's super late and I am just ranting.
I think he is in a panic now that I am going to leave him. Towards the end of the "in-house separation" He was getting more and more anxious. I didn't understand why. Why would he be upset? I am the rejected one. It is b/c he could see me starting to give up? The control was no longer there?
I am just speculating about everything tonight.
Again, I feel like the marriage is now tarnished, damage goods. And I kind of feel broken myself.
Last edited by june72; 02/19/1006:57 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I look at his actions now and he is a great hubby in pretty much all regards. He has changed greatly. I don't have to worry about him calling me dumbass or looking at me with annoyance or actiing like he can't stand me. I wish I could communicate better with him... but...
But is he sincere? I mean he is first and foremost a father- the kids are his life. He would not want a D b/c he would want to see them everyday. Is this his motive? He originally told me "I am done, I will stay in the house as long as I can till you kick me out with a D" "I want to be with my kids regardless of my feelings for you"
I am all about my kids too. That is why I kept trying to get back together with him. I did not want the kids to live with a D. If there was no kids- I would have split a long time ago. NO one wants to be with someone that hates them.
So I just am so uneasy here....
Motives, intentions, sincerity. I think he is being genuine but then some days I get really worried about it all.
Last edited by june72; 02/19/1007:03 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
What you're feeling seems reasonable to me. You have fought a long hard battle. Maybe he needs to be paniced. He needs to prove his love to you now.
Remember though, the battle is not over. It's just beginnnig. Should the maariage keep rebuilding, it's going to need to be maintained... forever.
It's going to take you some time to begin to trust again, and I hope to God he does more than his fare share of the work. He may not show his remorse all at once either, but be sorry about different things over time.
June, when I peek in on the piecers, it seems like mending the marriage is no picnic. DBing is about giving the marriage a chance, but once the marriage has a chance there's no magic wand to fix the original problems, and all the ones created by the threat of D.
Are you in IC? You need a safe place to talk about the hurt, and it sounds like your H can't be there for you in that way yet. And realistically, most men could not really be there for a woman who needs to keep talking it through until the pain has eased. You're at a stage where you need to share - check - share with your H...show a little vulnerability, but retreat if you're not getting the reaction that you need/want.
take care...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I was just going through some of my old posts, getting ready for Retro. I was looking at yours and thought I'd pop by and give a good read. I feel worse for my W cause some of the things you've mentioned about your H I've done or thought (less the harsh words... but I think she got the pointy edge on her own)
I wish I could apologize on his behalf, but he needs to own up for his own behaviours, as do I.
Are you feeling more comfortable with where you're going now? Do you think time is making his love come back? Could you be happy with him feeling cared for even if it wasn't deep love?
