I think it's because women -- by the time they walk -- have typically already been planning their escape, emotionally, for 6-12 months or more. By the time they drop the bomb, they're DONE.
Yeah.......or put up with cr@p for ten years, THEN decide to walk-out. I don't condone what she's done, but the girl needed somebody other than the jerk you've been. You admitted in your other thread how badly you treated her, and THEN when you learn somebody is paying attention to the person you never showed any value to......suddenly the story changes.
Well, I hope you've decided that she is worth a lot more than the way you treated her, but I don't know that she thinks it's worth her pain to stay with "you". If you do get the opportunity to be a wonderful H, I hope you'll be smart enough to do it. It will take a heck of a lot longer than a work week, so you better gear up for the task.
People here have been telling you to ignore what she says, but you've ignored her for ten years and she found somebody else that paid attention. My advice is to listen to her express her needs and you may want to think how OM was fulfilling those needs for her.
I think you will find that what you use to do in the past will not work any longer.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I would probably offr an invite, but if she declines I would say "OK." Don't flip out, even if she says she wans to work on things.
In my sitch at one point, our C suggested we write out a list of things we could do together as friends...literally months went by and W wouldn't do a single one of them. Rather than taking it in stride- I became upset and accuse her of not caring- in hind site I only reiterated the fact that I care more about me than waw.
So, offer, and if she declines, you're perfectly cool w/ it...especially if she previously committed and changed her mind- possibly to test you.
Like Sandi said- she created alot of sense of worth to you by being unavailable and "too good" for you.
So, work your 180's no pressuring and see what happens.
The thing is despite my horrible actions in the past I still express my love and attraction to her. It was not always bad...I would say more good than bad but if that was the truth she would not be leaving right?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
it doesnt matter what good you did or had, that's so far beyond her mentality. The fog they speak of, rewriting the history, going back in time and analyzing facial expressions, retorts, etc...she has no idea what it was really like- especially not the "good" times..
Do not remind her, do not promise, convince, etc.
Do not teach...just be happy, confident and detached.
validate, be civil, and do what you want- but work whatever 180s you need to.
In the other thread you said that you had the need to put her down and lower her self-esteem. Then you added this:
Quote:
From time to time she would indicate that I was mean and that I hurt her and stupid me would just blow it off like it was nothing that she was overreacting and when she told me she would leave in the past I would just think she was bluffing because she would not leave. Turns out she loved me more than I ever thought.
If you really want her, then you need to do a lot of work to become a man she deserves. A lot of sympathy goes to the LBH, but there was a problem long before she turned to another person. If that problem is not resolved then she will either not stay or she'll continue to find OP who will appreciate her and have the self confidence to show her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This means, like a child who wants their own room, you say "OK" and you step OUT of their room and let them enjoy their music and do what they like.
NOW... There is a LIMIT to leaving them alone with thier thoughts and their lives.
Do NOT tolerate anyone interfering in your marriage, if she is talking to someone who is spewing negative stuff about you, step up and ask them to HELP. If they are NOT part of the solution, then they can just leave you two alone.
Do NOT tolerate parasites who want to pick away at your marriage while its vulnerable.
If your wife just wants to paint, or go for a walk on her own.. that's perfectly OK.. as LONG as she doens't get attached to any parasites on the trip.
Right now while your marriage is vulnerable, PARASITES show up, drinking buddies, predatory men, cynical man-hating friends, etc... All of this crap shows up when your marriage is most vulnerable... happens all the time.. do NOT tolerate that crap.
If your wife wants to go out with her female friend for a drink.. that's fine, just offer them a ride home so they are SAFE... tell them feel free to call etc...
You can't control her, but you CAN influence her...
For sandi's benefit, I am NOT saying to IGNORE completely what she is saying, it might contain valuable info... but do NOT show ANY reaction to it other than loving detachment.
Do NOT get ANGRY at her when she's scathing...do not be warm and affectionate etiher... just loving detached parental patience to to speak
WIFE : I hate you, you are a horrible human being!!!
YOU offer no response, not even a sigh... just look at her.
A sample you will often get this dynamic from is during labour... a running joke for men is that they need to IGNORE anything they hear their wife say while they are in labour...
The joke is that often a BLUE STREAK of MEAN SCATHING phrases darted at you fly out.. I have never seen it, but it is the stereo type..
The H at that time is just supposed to be uspportive... NOT retaliate by yelling even louder... so imagine when she's having a rant that she's in labour.
HER : You are a miserable SOB!!! I can't stand you right now...
YOU : I am going to make a cup of tea.
Note you do NOT offer her a cup here notice, THAT is pursuit... you just respond CALMLY ... what you are trying to do is project CALM ADULT behaviur in order to invoke some from her LONG TERM.
For NOW you need to be calm at all times..
1. Do NOT fight with her 2. NO name calling 3. No arguing 4. No BLAMING 5. No "I love you" 6. No "I am sorry"
Nothing warm OR cold... just neutral calm tonees come from you... it will help even her moods out gradually over time.
Maynard has it here, he has the fighting spirit down...
Don't be SMUG when she's upset... emit loving detachment... like a parent would to their son trying to ride a bike for the first time.. you stand back lovingly, but do NOT INTERFERE... say NOTHING... just emit warm calm commmitment.. she will GRADUALLY feed off of that..
I am warning you now... WITHOUT the OM in the picture turning her around is going to take at LEAST three months, it may take six to even a year...
Turning your wife around from where she's at NOW is a VERY LONG road as Sandi pointed out.. your wife is REALLY going to test you over the next several months and YOU will have to find in yourself UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...
your wife is giong to be MEAN, inconsiderate, moody, angry, deceitful, distant, cold, and you will feel like you married hell itself at some point and you WILL want her to just LEAVE. This is a TEST if YOUR COMMITMENT level...
YOUR test right now is to find in yourself unconditional love for this woman... loving detachment for the next six months minimum... loving someone who offers you nothing back but icicles and a sneer ...
Regarding her father and others telling her to leave.
It depends on your relationship with them.
Are they telling her to leave because :
a. They don't like you b. They just see how upset and sad she is and are offering her a quick and dirty solution
Is it a or b or both?
If its a, you have a big mountain to climb
If they DO like you, but they just are sympathizing with her..
YOU need to start taking them each out for dinner one on one and talking to them... help them understand how commited you are, and ask them for help in supporting you in helping you BOTH attend a family therapist...
do NOT press your wife for a therapist right now... she needs YOU to see a family therapist, she needs to see YOU change, grow, and become the man she needs you to be...
I am assuming of course through all of this advice that she is NOT in contact with this creep anymore... if there IS contact, you need to put that to a stop regularly while you are meeting with her family members. They need to KNOW she's been hanging around this obnoxious alcoholic.. get a friend to go with you to the dinner and back you up if you think they won't believe you.
YOU need to start showing MATURE, CALM, ADULT behaviour at all times, do NOT joke, do NOT charm, do NOT act childish in ANY WAY... your wife has painted you out to be an immature controlling monster...
That's fine...
YOU need to expose your MOST MATURE SELF to everyone she has spoken with...do NOT argue with them about what she said... just ACT as MATURE and THOUGHTFUL as you can... they WILL be watching you.. they WILL see yoru wife's been lying if YOU keep being an adult...
and I am nOT telling you to ACT like an adult, i am telling you to BE an adult... offer to help her family in any way... if someone needs a ride or someone's moving, offer two hands and your back for the day, etc..
BECOME a REAL MAN and THEY will GRADUALLY support you.
YOU need to find a GOOD family thereapist and start going... buy some books on marriage building, leave them around the hosue to read.. and you WILL read them.. this is NOT an act... your wife will KNOW if you are faking it... you need to REALLY do this...
1. Buy the books and read them 2. Go to a family therapist - alone, but make sure she sees the biz card and your apponitment time written on it 3. Start taking her family out to dinner one on one gradually... reconnect with them... give them a REASON to believe in you again 4. Protect your wife from parasites like that creep at work
In the other thread you said that you had the need to put her down and lower her self-esteem. Then you added this:
...
If you really want her, then you need to do a lot of work to become a man she deserves. A lot of sympathy goes to the LBH, but there was a problem long before she turned to another person. If that problem is not resolved then she will either not stay or she'll continue to find OP who will appreciate her and have the self confidence to show her.
Thank you for writing Sandi
Let me know if what i wrote is a good start, I want to protect his wife, but I want to keep him honest and working hard at the same time...
During these crises you need to cover both ends
Protect your wife from predators Grow up
Work on both ends has to be done.. its a daring rope to dance on to say the least..
I have reached out to her father. I invited him over for dinner as a surprise for her but she was not impressed. I spoke to him about this matter a few times already one-on-one. He said ultimately it is up to me and her to work this out, but if one wants it the oter does not then you have to accept it. He also said "Look at me and her mother we divorced and we are as happy now as we were ever before." He is pro divorce.
My W accepted my offer to a movie then later changed her mind and declined. I was cool with it. We had a couple movies that needed to be returned to blockbuster and she said she wanted to go for a ride and she would return the movies in the process. She left and then I went to work. About 1hr 1/2 later she txt me a picture of our dog in a funny position, which was confirmation she had returned home.
My W still txt me in the morning that she is leaving for work and again when she arrived at work...for example - "leaving for work now" - "made it to work safe"
Do I reply to these messages?
I already made a few mistakes. I offered to go out and get her food and I got the shoulder shrug in return. I also ran to different parts of the home to retrieve items for her. I am trying to detach but I am not sure what is good and what is not. Such as the text messaging. I wont initiate convo with her but if she does with me should I always respond?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Did she send TM about leaving & arriving at work before her EA with OM? I just wondered if she is being sarcastic or why she did this if she didn't want to account to you her actions. Seems rather odd that she is wanting to separate and suddenly giving you a play by play.
Anyway, when she says:
Quote:
- "leaving for work now"
Simply reply with "ok" and not another word or it is pursuing.
Quote:
"made it to work safe"
Your answer - "good"
If she is sending you those TM with the right attitude, then respond with one word replies. That shows you appreciate it and noticed her TM, but you don't go into a conversation after she contacts you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
