How to approach W about OM

[OfficerInNeed]

Before this affair business came to the forefront I thought I was making good progress with the LRT. We seemed to be getting along well considering. At the time I did offer to do just about everything for her, I thought since I can't say ILY anymore then I would show her with actions.

The issues is, I was not always affectionate and failed to express "love" toward her in the past. She felt unappreciated, unwanted and unattractive. I made it a point to do everything for her and compliment her as often as I could (int he past month since this occurred). How I do I go more cold in a sense by no longer doing things for her when that is how I got myself here in the first place? Would someone who always felt unwanted respond positive to this "back-off" approach?

Giving our history (as seen in past posts) and now this A business what 180s or LRTs do you suggest. If my wife carries on like she is in prison counting down the days till she is "released" and in her mind we are already separated how is it or how can I save this marriage...

[Allen A]

1. I mentioned this before, do NOT LISTEN to her negative comments... she is TRYING to SCARE you OFF... you are consuming what she is telling you and working your self into a PANIC... it is NOT helping you

2. Loving actions is NOT Last Resort Technique, and I am NOT reccomending LRT anyhow. I am recommending an affair busting strategy not covered in MWD's texts.

3. While there is an affair going on, and for aat least a month widthrawal period after its REALLY OVER I do NOT reccomend you pursue your wire at ALL.

Loving actions can be done without pursuing... its done subtely with HER VOLNTEERING to accept or refuse.

Example :

a. You INVITING her to a movie
b. You renting a movie and HER CASUALLY sitting to watch it in the chair next to you

c. You making dinner and preparing a plate for her
d. You making dinner and ASKING HER if she would like to sit with you for dinner

e. You buying some flowers to decorate the living room is OK
f. You buying some flowers with a love card and HANDING them to her

a, d, and f is PURSUIT, do NOT do this
b, c, and e is OK, its leaving HER the CHOICE to warm up to you or not...

Do things like b, c, and e...

1. This will demonstrate change for the better on your part
2. This will leave her feeling FREE, not under control
3. This will keep YOU from feeling direct Rejection like you are experiencing now...

No pursuit = No rejection

STOP the PURSUIT, it is NOT LRT, and it is NOT helping you

You need to change who YOU ARE... PURSUING her is NOT you changing yourself for the better, its YOU trying to control her

SHE needs to see an ADULT, NOT a love struck teenager..

YOU can be an ADULT without requiring her help at all

My CONCERN is the affair, the tactics above will have only MINIMAL effect with this creep slipping her his BS in secret, DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN to put a STOP to that creep

[Allen A]

I would also start researching family therapy offices near you to find a good FT

I don't CARE if she said she won't go... she wants YOU to go.. so you go... after six sessions you would very likley find her asking what's being said, how's it going, and she might even be willing to see the FT privately herself... but you need to show HER you are CHANGING for the BETTER

So do it

[jasper67]

Allen, I wish I had found you a few months back when W was still in the house...I made the fatal error of not posting when I should have been

[Allen A]

I can't guarantee what will work and what wont', but I can tell you what I have seen work most OFTEN.. which is teh tactics i reccomend.. the ones that work the most often...

[OfficerInNeed]

I just wanted to give an update on how the past 24hrs have played out to ensure I am taking the correct course of action and ensure I am doing what would give me the best possible chance to saving my marriage.

I spoke with OMW and OM last night. OMW said they had a great meeting and an extremely long phone call following and she is confident in they're R. I was unable to meet up with OM while on duty to once again get my point across and that was because he was with his wife. I did speak to OM, however, and was stern and to the point. I will beat this into him every day for as long as it takes.

Today my wife returned home from work and we did have a few brief conversations pertaining to finances ect. I DID NOT initiate any conversation. I DID respond to any questions she asked but made my responses brief. At one point we did both sit down on the same couch and began to watch TV together and a few times shared a laugh, she would make a comment and I would agree
for example W - "That was funny" or "that is weird" Me - "it was"

At one point I got up and walked away and left my phone behind. My wife grabbed my phone and as I walked back in the room she was going through my txt messages and calls. I told her I had nothing to hide and allowed her to browse whatever she wanted. We then continued to watch TV where she eventually feel to sleep and that is where we are at right now.

I was told by a friend that she did walk up to OM at work today and they had a 2 min conversation. My friend said he was not there for the lunch break today so he cannot say if anything else happened. Apparently the talk at the work place is the OMW and I confronting the two.

The highlight of the day:
- Wife thanked me for picking up groceries for her when I went shopping yesterday (she is a vegetarian so she requires special food types)
- Wife shared laughs with me

I am not sure how to read into her today.

[4luv]

I agree with Allen. You need to start seeing a FT. Your ACTIONS will speak more to your wife than any words you can say. I am not talking about your "nice" actions either. You need to start doing things that will make you a better man and a better husband, ESPECIALLY if you haven't shown her affection and such in the past.

[jasper67]

looks like things stand a shot...remember- do not give into emotions, do not react to tests...and keep posting

[Allen A]

Good work OIN.

You did everything right I think.

I would tell the OMW if her H has any conversation with your wife... do NOT keep that info to yourself.

And yes I would go to his home with his WIFE present (I would never confront him in private... NEVER do that.. he could tell someone you hit him and NO JUDGE will believe that YOU didn't touch him right now)...

With his wife there, warn him AGAIN. Tell him you KNOW conversations took place..

There are some other good things if you noticed :

1. Your wife watched TV with you
2. Your wife SPOKE to you during the program
3. your wife wanted to see your phone


on 3, its interesting, I don't konw if she wants to see if you called OM, OMW, or if she wants to just see who you talked to that day...

But you played it perfectly... just let her look at it if she picks it up...

NEVER hand it to her without her asking for it... if you do THAT , she will assume you cleaned it up first and are trying to trick her.. wait for her to ASK for it or for her to just pick it up... do NOT get defensive about your phone at all. You did well.. keep that OM out of yoru wife's life though... he's NOT listening to you clearly.

Telll him if your wife approaches him that you want him to WALK AWAY... NOT say a WORD...

I don't know the law that well, but maybe there's something legal you can do to keep him away?

Can you at least run a background check on this creep?

[OfficerInNeed]

Wife still sleeping....

I cannot get a hold of OMW or OM to share or gather info.
Nothing I can do legally to keep the two from speaking. From what I hear, he seems to "get it" and she does not. She is still approaching him. I will have to speak with him again and let him know, no communication.

My other concern is my wife may be influenced by female co-workers who have/are committing infidelity. A week ago my W told me she will be going out to lunch with them (women) after work this up coming Tuesday.

As for a background check, in order to work where they do each person had to go through an extensive background check.

Don't recall if I had mentioned this but when listening to OMW she told me many of the things OM said to her and 99% of those things my W said to me, here are a few as an example:
- I am co-existing till I can leave
- Marriage is just a piece of paper
- ILYBNILY