OIN. I am going to say this ONE LAST TIME and from this point I will NOT ANSWER this question again in the future :
1. YOUR WIFE is in a state of mind where ALL SHE CAN EXPRESS is a mean, cynical attitude towards everything... she's MISERABLE and when she talks, it comes OUT.. do NOT EXPECT ANYTHING USEFUL to be said by her.. she is TRYING to DRIVE you AWAY... STOP LISTENING TO WHAT she's SAYING... you NEED to HEAR me.. when you reply, I want you to TYPE OUT what i wrote here so I can see you heard this.. IGNORE what she's SAYING, its NOT HELPFUL to focus on that.
2. How do you tell her you want your marriage? You don't tell her, you SHOW her... you SHOW her by acting like a man, not a love struck teenager or pushy caveman... you show her what a REAL ADULT acts like... THAT shows her you want your marriage
What you did this morning was PURSUIT... You couldn't wait for HER to bring the "We need to talk" up, you went AFTER her ... AGAIN... you need to LEAVE her ALONE and STOP PURSUING her.
The way you win back a wayward spuose is by ACTING MATURE ... NOT by chasing her around like a puppy dog... which is wha tyou are doing.
"I would feel more comfortable if she just spoke to me and tell me her feelings but right now they seem to be "I'm leaving still."
Guess what? She IS telling you how she feels... what YOU want is to hear her tell you that SHE feels the way YOU feel... well, she DOESN'T feel how you feel.. you need to get over it.
She's miserable, STOP pursuing her to tell you otherwise... you seem to think if you keep CHASING her that eventually her feelings will be DIFFERENT - They WON'T
YOu can't CHANGE her feelings by CHASING her.. YOU need to change who YOU are to change her.
And you haven't changed, your PURSUIT is just control... you will NTO give her any PEACE.. leave her ALONE
Keep the OM away from her, but leave HER ALONE.. I will write this again.. LEAVE HER ALONE OR YOU WILL DRIVE HER RIGHT OUT THE DAMN DOOR and it will be YOUR FAULT... you CAN save this.. you have her LIVING wiht you, that is a HUGE advantage many on this forum do NOT have.. some have thier spouse in a diffrent STATE for god sakes.. she's in your HOME, sleeping in YOUR BED.. this is a WALK in the PARK.. and you are BLOWING IT
LEAVE HER ALONE
LEAVE HER ALONE
LEAVE HER ALONE
I can't say that ENOUGH... STOP PURSUING HER
YOu need to get to work on finding a VERY GOOD family therapist and acting like a parent... I know ou don't have kids, but you can act like a parent... keep your home clean, orderly, SAFE... keep the yard tidy... save money for a rainy day... get fresh groceries etc ... you likley do some of this already but I am sure there is more you can do to show her you are an adult.
You cannot TALK her BACK.. you need to ACT like an ADULT to CONVINCE her to STAY
Let me say that again :
You cannot TALK her BACK.. you need to ACT like an ADULT to CONVINCE her to STAY
GOT IT?
I am really upset that you went after her like that this mornign, I know why you did it, she made you anxious by how she said things yesterday.. but YOU need to LEAVE her ALONE..
Your probelm is you PANIC and when you PANIC, you PURSUE...
KNOCK IT OFF Or you are going to LOSE HER
In Panic now? Good, LEAVE HER ALONE - go work on yourSELF... YOu need to grow, read, learn, and be a better man or you will NEVER bring her back to you.. period.
mb28 maybe you can help OfficerInNeed here if you are reading?
Your husband is more or less diong the same thing with you... Your husband calls you up and jsut gives you strem of negative hopeless garbage just like OIN's wife is doing... But you have learned how to handle this stuff now pretty well... OfficerInNeed here needs to learn how to handle wayward script withotu panicking and pursuing
Any advice you can offer I am sure he would apprciate.
How do I approach this conversation? She is leading me to believe she wants to hear what I have to say but either way it wont change the outcome because she already has her mind setup. If I tell her how I really feel then I am pursuing her. How can I get across that I want this marriage to work without pressuring her or pushing her future away? I would feel more comfortable if she just spoke to me and tell me her feelings but right now they seem to be "I'm leaving still."
SOrry, i hand't answered this one.
She does NOT want to hear what you have to say, she just wants YOU to feel how miserable she is and to HELP her. BUt when you PURSUE ,you just UPSET her and make her feel WORSE... so DON'T DO IT. If you want this marraige to work "without pressuring her" then STOP PURSUING HER.. pursuit IS PRESSURE. Her feelings ARE that she wants to leave... she has the mistaken idea in her head that if she LEAVES her life will be better.
YOU NEED to become a better husband to SHOW her that leaving is a LESS DESIRABLE choice than staying...
Right now you WON'T LEAVE HER ALONE
What you need to do is the following :
1. Ask her outright, "what would you like me to do?" 2. If what she ASKS for is constructive, you DO IT, no questions asked. If she tells you to make breakfast, you DO IT. If she tells you to leave her alone, you DO IT. If she tells you to take the dog for a walk, you DO IT. If she tells you to go wash her car, you DO IT.
What you do NOT do, is anything like :
Go file for a divorce, I am done with you - do NOT do it Go pack my bags, I am leaving - do NOT do it Go find a lawyer and get the paperwork for Divorce ready - do NOT do it Go pack YOUR bags, YOU'RE leaving - do NOT do it
GOt it?
If she gives you something constructive to do, DO IT.. period.
If she tells you to leave OM alone :
"Any interaction I have with OM or his wife is to protect our marriage, I respect the commitment I made and I will do what I have to protect our marriage and I am not sorry for that. If there was a woman I was taklign to who was telling me to leave you I would expect YOU to do the same - protect our MARRIAGE FIRST. Our marriage comes first."
And you do NOT ARGUE on it... anything she says you jsut repeat that CALMLY and then you EXIT the room.
1- you have a HUGE advantage, as W is in the home 2- if she walks- it WILL be your fault for doing what you're doing
I DID THAT MYSELF- that's why I know what you're doing won't work. It sounds super easy, to just work on yourself...I know it doesn't seem that way b/c there is so much "uncertainty".
Look at it this way- how uncertain is it if she's there at the house?
Assume that she's somewhat willing to work on things b/c she's there...but do not hold the expectation...
He;''s also correct that you are panicking.
To this day, my mind tells me there is something I can say to W to bring her back- WRONG- I've tried everything and NONE of it worked.
DO NOT DO WHAT I DID- focus on yourself, fake the confidence in your M if you have to...and follow ALLENS ADVICE
Exactly maynard, it is MUCH easier to fight divorce in the same home...
Can you imagine how much more PANIC you will feel OIN if your wife is living ELSEWEHRE? You will have nO IDEA where she is or WHAT she is doing.. you will be a BASKET CASE
Want to avoid that? LEAVE yoru WIFE ALONE
DO NOT listen to the garbage.
Go to a bookstore, buy some books on marriage improvement... NOW... don't even reply, get UP and go buy them NOW... and READ THEM cover to COVER
You are right I did panic. I read your post but I can't retype to prove such b/c I am posting from a phone.
Her tone was pleasant this morning and I have not heard her talk to me like that in a while and I fell for it. I will not bring up the conversation with her again.
After I made my last post I had to get ready to run some errands and she became interested in what I was doing and where I was going.
The last thing I want to do is mess this up and I feel so fortunate she is still here and yes I panic.
I spoke with omw she said that her and om spend all day together yesterday. I also learned the brief convo my w and om had yesterday was om telling my wife "I told you we can't talk any more enough is enough. My wife is not playing, I don't even want to wave hi anymore"
Thanks again for the advice sorry if it seems like I am not getting it. My emotions are getting the best of me. I am looking for a good therapist in my area.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Listen to what she has to say, if its positive stuff, then work with it... if its negative :
"I am sorry you are so upset. I am working informatlly with some family therapy now, and I am also looking for a Family Therapist in our area for me to talk to... I will leave you a busienss card once I have one. You are welcome to use it or not it's your choice"
And that's it. YOu show her YOU are working on YOU and tell her you are sorry she's upset and that's IT...
Do NOT validate her feelings in such a way that she will think you agree
If she says She' wants out, you just say I am sorry you feel that way, you don't say OK, you don't say Good for you, or anything positive to that.. its negative
The only thing you offer back from negative is that YOU are going to family therapy for some answers... you are setting an example of adult behaviuor that way...
If she talks about movign out, let her tell you how she feels, but if she wants your input, your input is to LEAVE the ROOM
Do NOT participate in any talk like that... she WANTS you to AGREE and SUPPORT her leaving? The answer is your back to her... not a WORD
Just say I am sorry you feel that way, MAYBE give her a hug, and then you walk out of the room.
She will likley chase you. Your position is the same :
When things are bad, you go to family therapy, you dont' move out, you don't leave, you don't cheat, you don't do ANYTHING destructive to your marriage.. you go to a professional and WORK on it...
It is MUCH more important that you DO this rather than lecture her on it... so YOU are doing to DO It.. to set an example for her...
I BET YOUR MARRIAGE on it that once you start going, SHE will be interested... I bet my life on it.
Ask mb28, her H didn't want to go either, but he's giong in for his second session soon... go figure eh?
Easy- just make something else up that you wanted to say.
The key here is to not stress her out AT ALL-
There might seems like there's an elephant in the room- but you both know it's there, so it's not even worth mentioning.
Seriously- you are SO fortunate-
Allen's statement about keeping on guard and up front about OM and OMW is spot on...do not get emotional about it or take a defensive posture...state it matter of fact and emphasisze the word protect.
NO R talk, no pursuing, no pressuring, no "hey cant you see I've changed..", etc etc etc.
If I had been posting here 2 months ago and not so focused on the EA, my W would likely still be at home.
Don't mention her hot and cold, or what seems to be unfair, or why am I making all the changes- it will seem very VERY unfair- but you CANNOT mention that.
It is what it is, you keep her comfortable, but not placate her, YOU stay balanced, positive and busy...and her walls will crumble.
You don't make her stay by doing everything and pampering her, but you keep it stress free.
