How to approach W about OM

[Allen A]

OK, well, try to get a hold of OMW and let her know you just want to keep her in the loop and that you are monitoring things on your end for her and you.. tell her you are BOTH better off if you work together here.. which she SHOULD understand...

I didn't think there, was anything legal you could do, but I had to ask right? lol

If she keeps trying to contact him and he keeps pushing her away, she WILL eventually lose her facination with him... as long as ONE of the two is acting with some maturity and walking away you should be ok. It is going to take your wife likley three months or more to lose her intrest fully. How long have them been doing this do you know?

YOur wife is hangnign out with the wrong crowd, but we can't stop that... unles syou want to tell their husbands what you know lol

I think if you make your home a warn inviting environment and keep OM AWAY from her, she will gradually come around.

I don't trust other companies background checks.. I would run my own anyways.. I would run every check I coudl to find out what this guy's history is...

As far as what your wife told you and what OM told his wife its classic affair script...

WHen your wife or husband goes up to you and says

I love you but I am not in love with you
We are over
I am leaving

etc, this means they are cheating... or very likley cheating.. its almost 100% of the affair cases these statements are offered up, or something to those effects...

Don't let what she says get to you. If you are a cop, you likely had some training or course on dealing with drug addicts and alcohoics.. dealign with an affair is no different.

Not to mention compulsive gamblers... which is likley a closer comparison.

[OfficerInNeed]

From what I was told by a few different sources, my wife was her typical self at work and during lunch time one day while in the break room her co-workers were engaged in a conversation about "spousal abuse" and OM provided examples of how he has dealt with different levels of abuse from his father toward him and his mother. My W fed up with the way I treated her back then was seeking advice on how she should handle her situation and from there it just grew. What started out as advice turned into something more. This had gone on since the last week of January of this year. That is when people said they noticed a change in her and the phone calls had started.

The background check was done by the government. I did run him through the system at work but no criminal record.

[OfficerInNeed]

When the phone calls first started to happen my wife did tell me she called "someone" for advice and then later told me this someone was a co-worker. The more I opposed the communication the more she became defensive and secretive about the calls.

I then started to hear from people OM did not know I knew that he had said "I don't know how this happened but I think I became "W name" best friend" and the also said "I can't wrap my head around it, she follows me around like a puppy dog."

[OfficerInNeed]

Update: Wife eventually woke up. We ended up watching some TV and she asked a couple general questions and made a few comments (non R) and I replied to those questions/comments.

Eventually she walked up to bed and as going up the stairs said to me "I think tomorrow we're going to have to sit down and talk" and I replied "That's fine" with a slight smile on my face suggesting I welcome the conversation.

How do I prepare myself for the conversation? all I can think is it will not be positive. Anxiety has come over me right now and I am trying to combat it.

[Allen A]

Any idea what the subject will be?

[OfficerInNeed]

I have absolutely no clue. I can only assume, and I have to admit no good thoughts are going through my head.

She said as quoted above and my only reply is as quoted above I did not want to say "talk now" or "about what" cause I did not want to come across as controlling.

Assumptions:
- she will tell me she have a move out date
- she will tell me she has somewhere to stay
- she will tell me that what I did by confronting her shows I have not changed and may had come across as controlling
- she may want to further discuss the separation procedure.

How do I react? Do I continue to not pursue rather than start pouring it on if she tells me she is going...how do I prepare myself for the above?

[Allen A]

Do NOT pursue under any circumstances... THAT will come across as controlling...

The fact that she' didn't tell you about what is pretty sick on her part in my opinion...

Just keep yourself busy... Whatever she says, just hold back and don't commit to anything...

If she says she's moving out, say nothing... just get up and walk out of the room

I suspect she's going to try to provoke a fight, mb28 can tell you about those games for sure... just get OUT of the room if it gets difficult...

You do NOT have to subject yourself to her games...

She is already playing a game with you, she offers you up some ominous "we have to talk and leaves YOU on the defensive all day long.. That's sick... In the future do not accept ominous threats like that, its a head game... she wants YOU stressed out all day and on the defensive... it makes her feel like she's got some sick power over you

Don't let it get to you... remember whatever she say's, its NOT bad. what you DO with it is where it goes...

What you DO with her choices is what makes or breaks a marriage... its in YOUR hands

[OfficerInNeed]

I just cant imagine anything positive coming out of the conversation.

I quoted in past posts how our past two days went since the confrontation.

I do know she has been listening to this song over and over again
Lyrics found here

I know it is just a song and to here it relates to the current situation but I strongly believe anything will influence her at this point even a song...

[Allen A]

Yes, wayward spouses get desperate and cling to useless solutions... their capacity for good judgement is shot to hell.

- she will tell me she have a move out date
Just get up and leave the room. If she challenges you, tell her you will discuss it with your Family Therapist, but you do not want to have a destructive conversation. Tell her its not a healthy solution and you want no part of it... GET OUT of the room... no ANGER, no yelling, just calmly get OUT of the room

- she will tell me she has somewhere to stay
same as above

- she will tell me that what I did by confronting her shows I have not changed and may had come across as controlling

You tell her "I am protecting our marriage... I ask that YOU do the same and NOT do anything to hurt it any further. I am going to a Family Therapist to discuss how to be a better husband to you. I am NOT going to go to someone in my workplace in secret to talk to someone who is NOT qualified to do anything but damage... What I did and what i do, is for our marriage because i made a commitment to you, to love you and respect you... and I intend to keep that commitment"

- she may want to further discuss the separation procedure.
Just leave the room, tell her separation does NOT solve anything. Tell her you are willing to attend a Family Therapy session to find out how to be a better husband, but you do not want any part of a separation procedure...

Just LEAVE the ROOM... if you argue, its a trap, it will jsut show her you argue too much

If you try to get her NOT to, she will accuse you of controlling her...

Just tell her YOU want no part of it, CALMLY. Tell her the famly therapist advice you have read so far says separation is NOT constructive and you do NOT want to have anything to do with it...

Participating in a conversation about something you do NOT want to do IMPLIES you are OK with it... so you LEAVE to show her you won't go there.

She will likley yell and try to BAIT you... just leave the room calmly... it is WAY too stressful a situation for you to handle so just get OUT of there

She is setting you UP to FREAK OUT... by telling you "we need to talk" and leaving you sit on that for a whole day she's just trying to get you into a frenzy... so, if she says anything that isn't constructive, LEAVE the ROOM

[OfficerInNeed]

OK. So I wake up this morning and catch the W as she is rolling out of bed. So I say "You wanted to talk to me about something?" and she shook her head no. So I said "I must had misunderstood you last night then."

So then said "I want you to talk, you told me in the past that I don't let you talk. I have calmed down over the past couple days and I am willing to listen to you." Well she is referring to when I was pursuing her. So I said (which I probably should not had) "I express my feelings about the situation since this all began and she replied "So did I, and everything I said I mean."

Her and I laid in bed and I said to her "I appreciate the opportunity to talk to you but I need sometime to gather my thoughts before I do." I did not know how to go about this conversation. She said "OK." I stayed there for a few mins then I got up and she watched me as I did and she had a look on her face as in "where you going?" and she actually said those words.

How do I approach this conversation? She is leading me to believe she wants to hear what I have to say but either way it wont change the outcome because she already has her mind setup. If I tell her how I really feel then I am pursuing her. How can I get across that I want this marriage to work without pressuring her or pushing her future away? I would feel more comfortable if she just spoke to me and tell me her feelings but right now they seem to be "I'm leaving still."