one other thing - since my W didn't really know what she wanted outside of having me pay her if she moves out, we 'wasted' a lot of time in mediation appointments establishing our goals/expectations of the mediation process. In the end, I have gotten what I wanted out of it so far but we could have gotten to this point with less time in front of the mediator but the tension level was high between us and we were just butting heads.
Things have calmed down now, however, and I am not sure what she is going to do.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
You may learn a lot about your W's intentions once you get into the mediator.
This point is what I really need b/c I don't know exactly what W wants. It seems to me if she was so sure about D and that's want she wanted, she would have done this long ago.
Is it wrong for me ask her to give me an anwser? There are only 3 possibilities:
1. Yes, I want to work on the marriage. 2. No, I want to proceed with D. 3. I'm not sure.
If she says I'm not sure, then I would it turn ask her to be specific about her uncertainties. What exactly are you unsure about?.
She has been so wishy washy about all her decisions.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I had an IC meeting Wed. and he told me I should ask for a direct answer. I then Ihad a phone session w/ my DB coach Thursday and she told me NOT to ask that question.
I am so glad I waited. I don't want to push her further away.
My coach gave me good infomation and I will be putting that into affect immediately.
Yoga class was pretty cool. It is an awesome work out. I am glad I went and I am looking forward to next week's class.
I am in a much better mind frame this week and truely understand what DBing is about and know how to work on my sitch. Before I understood what it is all about but didn't know how to put it in action.
Even though we will be seeing a mediator that doesn't mean were through.
It is just another opportunity for me to show her my changes and maturity about the problems.
I can't wait to have my wife back in my arms.
I am seeing things in a new light and honestly believe things will work out.
Given the chance I will have a great M, better than any dreams we had before.
I will not take anything for granted and will truely be there for my W when she needs me.
We have met yet to discuss the division of asset and the such but I know how to show her I am able to handle this meeting with dignity and respect.
I post if anything new arises.
Thanks, Again for checking in on me.
Gr8!
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
NEVER ask that question UNLESS you are READY to move on...
There will be no truthful answer based on facts- it will be emotions that dictate the answer...and the answer will be one coming from someone cornered, hurt, and afraid.
From the beginning of my sitch, myself and my family thought it's an easy task:
Do you want to work on the M?
Do you want a D?
It's only one or the other...
Now that I better understand WAS and the pain WAS is in- THERE ARE NO ANSWERS...and that needs to be OK w/ LBS...until it is no longer OK and you become the WAS
I was reading a stich from last year and in were three phases the LBS goes through if they are to be success with SO.
1. pursueing 2. detaching 3. letting go- accepting either outcome
It was stated that if you can't get to phase 3 there would be no hope. And even if you get there it is still a small shot that the M will be reconciled.
I am now seeing the truth behind this statement.
I believe now I am slowly merging into the third phase.
It is challenging but necessary in order for the M to work.
The next 2 weeks will be big for me. Hopefully it will be a turning point.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Be prepared for either outcome as well. You can handle it.
Quote:
In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[6]
"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."[7]
When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:
"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[7]
Stockdale then added:
"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”[7]
Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well stated coach. I saw that you posted that statement on another stich and when I read it the first time I didn't fully grasp the meaning.
I understand now and I wish I got the point weeks ago.
Any more nuggets of wisdom?
I am preparing myself for the worst while I am improving myself for the best.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
