You have typed in “Divorce Advice” or “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore” into whatever search engine you use, and you found this place.
When you first find yourself reading this board there is a certain desperate craziness and wild hope. And you read and you search and search for the elusive ‘success’* stories and in many cases you lurk, you read, you discover a few posters you identify with and follow their story or advice. You figure out the lay of the land and how to navigate around here.
You post. You story sounds similar to countless others, and I am not making light of it, it is a sad thing that it does sound similar.
And deep inside a part of you thinks you are different than countless others.
In truth you are a unique snowflake, but in the heat of a mid-life crisis, you are similar to all the other water molecules.
There are immediate problems the new comer here in MLC should realize and damn quick:
There is NO Quick Fix to this.
You CANNOT fix this.
The ‘success’* stories, do not have anything more than you do or are capable of doing. They just know the DBing rules better than you…and they had patience and luck.
Your tactics are tactics, your tricks are tricks.
YOU ARE part of the problem.
You can only control yourself.
DO NOT involve your children.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
Those things you need to accept as quickly as possible.
Things you shouldn’t do but are going to do anyway: Do not snoop.
Do not tell them I love you.
Do not talk about your relationship.
Do not confront the OP (Other Person).
The ‘success’* stories you have discovered have several things in common.
They are:
Patience. They outlasted their spouse’s MLC.
Support. They told family and friends, to back off about their divorce advice.
Their spouse had an MLC. Sounds strange to list but it is a common factor.
They worked on THEMSELVES. They looked in the mirror and changed their crappy, whinny, entitled behavior. They saw what was weak and broken in themselves and fixed it. AND they used the time their spouse was in their MLC to do this. They made REAL changes and became better. They knew that they helped the downfall of their marriage.
They FORGAVE. Despite the hurt and pain, they forgave their spouse. And make no mistake, this is not as easy as you think it is.
Here in MLC, there is no guarantee. Some of the best advice comes from those you would not define as a ‘success’* in your narrow view point. You want only the ‘successful’* advice, and… there is going to be little difference except in your mind, about the advice.
I made it through here. I came through the hell-fire of my wife’s MLC, not because of the advice from on high, although Snodderly’s words of encouragement helped. (Thank you Snodderly) I made it through because of the support and advice from the people who were right in the same time frame as I was. Right NEXT to me. Liss, and BrandNewDay, and Jeanette and Valentine, and Smurf, and WAS, RedUmbrella. Each one of alone in our hell but right there for each other, egging us on. Worrying about each other.
I grew because we all were helping each other and learning how to DB…not having some one spoon feed us and burping us on advice.
I wonder, if us ‘old wise’ ones aren’t hurting you guys. By doing just that.
Birds won’t fly unless they are pushed out of the nest.
* “success” – The idea that a person is only successful because their spouse came back is ludicrous and narrow minded. Your spouse can come back at anytime, but until YOU make changes in yourself and FOR yourself, you have failed. The REAL success are the people who came here broken, and fixed themselves, became better people, no matter if their spouse came back. And in THOSE cases, those who better themselves…their marriage is better for it. But that is not important…THEY are better for it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I like myself so much better than a year ago. Of course I contributed to the collapse of my marriage, however I spent far too long blaming myself for everything. I found great support in a rebuilding workshop and am moving forward, day by day. I really, really like who I am and I look forward to my new and amazing life. I'm in the midst of a divorce and it's not what I wanted, but financially it's just something I had to do. Sometimes I allow myself to think about what life could be like when/if he decides to return. But, I don't spend too much time on that either. I'm too busy working on myself...Cheers!
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
We all kind of follow the same steps as do our MLC spouses. The things that Jack listed as things that we should not do (but usually do anyways) is where I feel that most people will make mistakes. They will do the snooping and bargaining and whining - instead of completely trying to make themselves feel better putting the focus on themselves completely.
I often did the GAL thing to stay occupied and to grow and to not be lonely. It helped a lot and it kept me so busy that I was hardly ever home at night after work.
Work on your self and it will pay off. Even if you dont know where to begin in order to better your life -start by doing GAL activities and it will help.
I am so glad to see that golfgirl is as happy as she is despite the fact that her marriage has ended.She did what was right for her and is now moving forward with a positive attitude. So even though she may not have her H back - she is a winner in my eyes. SHe is strong independent and you can feel her happiness is true. She has also been as successful as those who do get their spouses back.
Forgiveness is very hard and people need to be prepared for that struggle if they make it that far, and that should start with the situation they are in right now.
I, for one, am SO thankful for this site. Even though I did end up divorced, I am such a better parent, partner, basically EVERYTHING after going through the journey and opening my eyes to my own faults and areas that I needed to address. I do not consider this a failure in any way, shape, or form. I am proud of the happy, independent, strong woman I have become.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
I am nowhere close to where I want me to be-yet. But I'm getting there. Patience with the sitch is needed, but also patience with ourselves and where we have to get to is just necessary to become better people.
My thanks to those who continue to give great advice to help each of US on OUR journey. Mucho gracias!
I, too, am a success story from a long time ago, and I am one of the "OLD WISE ONES" that Jack just insulted, LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!
I didn't know that requirement of coming back for awhile to help meant that I was supposed to be toting a diaper bag plus bottles and baby food! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!! I laughed in spite of myself when I read that, and don't take it personally at all; I actually NEEDED to laugh tonight.
I know what he means, though; as we in the past, had to "search" this out to better understand what we were dealing with, you too, will have to do the same. We may be here to assist you, as someone always so aptly puts it, but we can't do this for you...you are on your own.
Quote:
I grew because we all were helping each other and learning how to DB…not having some one spoon feed us and burping us on advice.
I wonder, if us ‘old wise’ ones aren’t hurting you guys. By doing just that.
Although, I laughed at that comment, I respectfully agree to disagree, Jack and I'll tell you why; someone always NEEDS to be here to help lead the way, IMHO.
FWIW, the birds DO eventually fly from the nest, I know I did, going on to better things...and everyone else will, too.
When someone understands a problem, the knowledge is passed on in the form of books, articles, internet, etc.
Yet, and I know this from experience of having dealt with many, people's understanding/comprehension is reached at different times in this; no one learns at the SAME pace. Sometimes things have to be explained in several different ways for one to "get it". You didn't learn all this overnight, no one else will, either.
Someone was here for me, when I started here 9 years ago;(hey, I know it's been a LONG TIME) never mind that I was quick to "get it"..it didn't have anything to do with that, not at all.
The "old wise ones" were symbols of "HOPE" "FAITH" "LOVE" and a feeling I was NOT alone, plus, a possibility that things would be all right in the end, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED.
That someone has been there, made it through, and it represented the fact that I would, too, given time and learning. It was made clear to me in the very beginning that my marriage might NOT make it, and as I grew, it became MORE clear to me.
The mentors supported me, helped me, were there when I needed a shoulder; other people were there, too in the SAME place as me, and we all stuck together as a family.
In time, I stayed on for awhile to help the others; remembering a time when I'd faced the "bomb", and was SO broken up.
The kindness here was overwhelming and it was a literal "hug" when I came in here. I got to know SO many people in my time here.
I always knew that I couldn't help unless I'd "been there".
Patience is learned in various different ways, and one of those ways is through dealing with people with problems. God never said He would teach you patience through ordinary things..he sends you people that take a LONG time to understand something, and you learn to articulate in various different ways until the light bulb comes on in their head.
And the Lord knows I've had MANY people who tried my patience until it was exhausted, but still remembering what I'd faced before, I continued to try and help them understand.
And I still do that now, in 3-D.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
***holds up can of lighter fluid in one hand, a lit match in the other****
I'm waiting to get flamed!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!
Getting tired of WAITING!! LOL!! My hands are getting very tired!! LOL!!
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
