When you first find yourself here.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Give a man a fish or teach a man to fish?

While I DO NOT want my son to burn his hand on the stove...the lesson is learned with great example and pain rather than some phrase of "Stove Hot" in his head.

As of late,

as of late...

I am seeing less of the company of peers supporting each other, and I am seeing more edicts from on high. I fall into that catagory.

I see more new people asking the 'success' stories directly for help, and if you haven't figured it out yet : ) that burns me a bit. It is dismissive of others who have put in hard time here been knocked around and are awesome people, who take the time to post to help...and to be willing able and capable of doing that, but to be overlooked by some noob's whacked concept of 'success'?

I understand it. I understand the neediness of it. What they don't understand is the feeling of being looked over.

You also do not understand that there is a certain ammount of pressure in being called out by name. You say, Jack or BND, or Pilot or Snodderly or HB look at this...

There is pressure...and we do not have all the answers, and we certainly do not want to lead you wrong in your goals, which will evolve hopefully down the road.

HB,

No flaming, no need. The 'wise old ones' was for many of us, not directed at any one person.

What got my panties in a bunch, was reading that you didn't read anyone else advice before you posted. I do not believe you meant to be dismissive of others thoughts or words. And perhaps I shouldn't have felt that way...we are unable to contact each other outside the board to clear air. That got to me a bit.

This is for the general posters of advice now, not directed at any one person, and for myself as well.

We need to be accountable, not flippant for the advice we give.

If we 'mentor' we need to be there for a person.

We DO NOT KNOW what anyone else is thinking, MLC has trends but tht is all.

When I am blunt or sarcastic it is for purpose. It is to make a poster mad...hopefully at themselves for stupid actions or to break them out of their little pity party.


YOU NEW PEOPLE.

YOU need to find others like you, and support each other. You need to grow strong and lean, not fat. You need to make the friendships that will carry you longer than any of us 'old ones' can. Let me tell you a 3 am phone call which is not allowed here made more of a difference to me than a week being on the board. And helped me continue.

No flames please, not on this thread.

[brandnewday]

Maybe one of the things that helped me in the begining was also to have some lighthearted moments.

We had threads about cooking and kids and our pets and hobbies and the cyber WAS-BUSTA van drivng all over the country.

There were hundreds of other things to talk about which was a wonderful distraction at times.

[figgeroni]

I think BND...that was my point...it was so helpful to all of us because we were in the thick of it...you know

we all had locations for the WAS-BUSTA to stop

and

superhero capes
and
poolboys

because we were like a little group
a bunch of people trying to cheer each other on
to celebrate successes and empathize with new pain discovered

I am not flaming anyone, I hope Jack, as I have stated I am as guilty of this as anyone

but perhaps

our group should be more of the helping kind
and
less of the inside joke kind...

I love the threads about kids
and I say maybe the more respected and venerated of the old-timers shoudl direct that
start a thread
but one that can be beneficial to the newcomers too
the ones that are in the middle of it all
instead of just 100 posts of inside jokes

maybe not

maybe we are all not as far along as we would hope to be
maybe we still need that
maybe I haven't had enough coffee or maybe I have had too much

[dday101798]

Good post Jack.

I think of it as like starting a new year of school in a totaly new area/community. You bond better over time over with those in the same shoes at the same time. All the while you make 'friends' with someone whose been at te school a bit, and hope they take you under their wing.

I think maybe to elaborate from how I intereperate all this, plaease do not try and seek out the help directly of those who either saved their M, reconcilled pre or post divorce, in hopes that comment and 'advice' rendered will offer quick resolve to you situations. I think I can safely say, any of us who have in fact turned things around, or simply made it through the hell that is losing your M, your spouse, and all the years of work that went into it all, CERTAINLY did not do it overnight and learned through the school of hard knocks, for a long, long time.

Heck, even still learning.

[brandnewday]

OK I get it now Fig, thanks for clarifying....I am a bit slow today

And another thing....

When you are new here, you don't want to hear that you will be a success even if your Marriage ends in Divorce.

You don't want to hear that just because you haven't discovered it yet, there is probably OW/OM in the picture.

You don't want to hear from someone who is Divorced because maybe they didn't DB properly and you seek out those who are in piecing or those who reconcilled.

It also goes against our nature to shut our mouthes and stop defending ourselves and to actually look at ourselves in the mirror and see our contribution to the Marriage.

It is when we begin to change because we have to and we learn to stand on our own two feet then we are a success REGARDLESS if our WAS ever comes back home again.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I think maybe to elaborate from how I intereperate all this, plaease do not try and seek out the help directly of those who either saved their M, reconcilled pre or post divorce, in hopes that comment and 'advice' rendered will offer quick resolve to you situations. I think I can safely say, any of us who have in fact turned things around, or simply made it through the hell that is losing your M, your spouse, and all the years of work that went into it all, CERTAINLY did not do it overnight and learned through the school of hard knocks, for a long, long time

[KarenMarieS]

maybe I haven't had enough coffee or maybe I have had too much




Edited by figgeroni (28 minutes 20 seconds ago)
Edit Reason: I can't type

LOL I love that you write such eloquent, insightful posts mixed in with a bit of humor! Its one of the things that got me through some very tough days :-)

[Drew]

When you are new here, you don't want to hear that you will be a success even if your Marriage ends in Divorce.

This is probably the main reason I don't post any updates on my sitch, and why I merely try to advise others to hopefully avoid some of the mistakes I made.

And I suspect that's why some posters seem to gloss over my advice and reply only to those who support their actions. No matter, I will continue offer challenges to those who are "stuck" in the hopes that I might help others as I was helped here.

My friends here know "the rest of the story" and that's fine with me.

And there are even some here who don't know, but are still blessed.

[*KS*Chick*]

BTW there's a new guy in Newcomers (gr8...) who could use some help.

Jack, Fig, ......Just kidding on the calling out - - but.......he can use some other advice besides mine and a few others...please.

[figgeroni]

why can't I find this newcomer????