When you first find yourself here.

[brandnewday]

someone always NEEDS to be here to help lead the way, IMHO.

I don't agree.

I think we all learn from one another as we go through the journey.

I don't think that there is any single person here who has all of the answers, and that includes Michelle and even Snodderly.

When you are dealing with so many people who are all going through a similar situation it is too easy to make blanket statements.

When I was new here, it helped me to have the communication with many posters not just one single person.

[Cadet]

I don't think she is saying one person needs to lead the way but collectively (we) need to lead the way.

[cat04]

I wonder, if us ‘old wise’ ones aren’t hurting you guys. By doing just that.

Birds won’t fly unless they are pushed out of the nest.

Jack, this is something that I have been wondering and thinking about a lot lately as well.

someone always NEEDS to be here to help lead the way, IMHO.

I don't agree.

I think we all learn from one another as we go through the journey.

I don't think that there is any single person here who has all of the answers, and that includes Michelle and even Snodderly.

BND,

I agree with you. No one NEEDS to be here to help LEAD the way…

One of the things said to me, from someone at about the same place I am, many many months ago…”we hold each other’s hands through this, walking this path, together, but ALONE”

There is no single person with all of the answers because each situation is soooo unique…Even with all of the similarities in them…

We all learn, heal, and grow at different paces…

It is hard to look at people who have done the work when you are in the pit, and begin to climb out.

Yes you UNDERSTAND that what they say is probably correct…

But to get to that point yourself, means that YOU have to do the work. YOU have to do the research, learn about MLC, depression, communication techniques, forgivness, releasing anger…

At least that is how it was for me…

The only way to do it is through it…


And whoever I stole that from….send me a bill

[cat04]

I don't think she is saying one person needs to lead the way but collectively (we) need to lead the way.

OP,

Reread the posts please....

I didn't know that requirement of coming back for awhile to help meant that I was supposed to be toting a diaper bag plus bottles and baby food! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!

HB,

While you said not to be offended, THIS was a truly callous and rude comment. Offensive to every single person on these boards. People are at all different stages here and if you really FEEL this way, maybe you should reconsider spending time here…

[D Money]

For me, it is comforting to have both. I think you do need mentors in this that have already experienced what you're going through as well as "peers".

There are times when you need that person to talk to that their sitch seems to be a mirror image of yours. There are also times when you need sage advice from someone who has gone through it already.

I have TF and KJ who seem to be at the same stage of the journey as I am. How should I be expected to give advice to them on something I haven't experienced? I can guess but is that fair to them?

Now when I have Jack or Lostforwords come to my thread and say that I'm doing well, I know I'm walking the right path because they've been there.

I sense a backlash lately that has gotten to the point that I don't come around much anymore.

Just my 2 cents

[ericmsant2]

I agree with you D Money. I think it is comforting to have both. The reality is that everyone is different and every situation is different but what people bring is experience and a different perspective that some of us newbies need. I know I depend on everyone for my daily 2x4, daily advice, friendship, etc. I am SO thankful for this board and I think you old timers...sorry to say..may need to keep spoon feeding some us until we have the legs to stand on our own. Having said, this I do agree that at somepoint you need to cut the cord a bit.

Thank you All.

[brandnewday]

For newbies, sometimes going to the archives can help you to find a poster that has a similar situation as yourself.

For example, I was never actually served Divorce papers, nor did I ever have to deal with child custody issues or have to cope with my children having to meet with OW.

While I can definately be understanding and sympathetic I do not know what it feels like to have to go through that type of mental torture.

On the other hand, I did have to DB long distance for several years and raise my children on my own as well as dealing with a particularly nasty MLC'er.

Hope that made some sense

[figgeroni]

One of the problems I see, and one I am guilty of as well, is using this board as a sort of personal form of communication

I understand being in the mix of nastiness and despair and needed any kind of comfort possible

so my comment I guess is to us "old timers"

I think our posting should be more about DBing and less about pages of stuff no one gets but the person replying back and forth with us...that can better be accomplished in some other forum.

There are several people I check on
several times I have been asked to reply or respond to someone

but

my journey is now not about MLC or surviving the divorce

it is about day to day life

which should be what most of us old timers lives are about

[*KS*Chick*]

I would agree that there are many successes here (and thank you Figgeroni! Smooches to you!)

I also agree that there's a group that seems to form when you're here - those who are in the same boat at the same time...and you kind of help one another out. It's much easier to hand out advice than it is to take it!

[SoCo]

Hmmm... well, I think a lot of this depends on personalities. I think when we first come here, hurting and raw, that we seek out those we can relate to and that seem similar in personality.

The very first thing that I found that was beneficial to me on this board was the whole idea that I was not alone in the world on this crazy ride. JUST that alone, some companionship and knowing that others were in the same boat, helped me to start healing slowly. I for one felt a huge sense of isolation like I was alone on this drifting raft just struggling to stay above water. Truly, people do not understand this experience unless they have been there. Friends, family, nobody "gets" it unless they have walked this path. Just finding a group of people that "get it" helps tremendously.

I think everyone has different needs that are met through this board. Mine were (are) companionship, understanding, some good advice, and the occasional clonk in the head to think of things from another perspective.

I don't think we can make a blanket statement about anyone or anything going on here. I am a big believer in each person being an individual with his/her own personality and different needs. Maybe that comes from my career background, cuz I see that so much with my at risk students. People are alike in so many ways, yet we have to understand what makes them tick may be very different.

I do know that I think that my healing was sped up and helped tremendously by having this site. I also know that some people here helped calm me down when I needed it, see other perspectives, not be so damm stubborn, and many other things. SOOO, I would say for me it was more about the personality aspects.

If it weren't for B, Jack, trapt, mach, and a few others that were there in the beginning for me, I might still be spinning around like a really angry, stubborn, I'm right about everything top over a year later.

So, I say to each his own. Whatever needs this site meets for you as long as you learn and grow from it then it's all good!

Correctly though, nobody can spoon feed someone what the right answer is and expect them to learn from it. Helpful advice, yes. BUT we learn by analyzing and doing ourselves. Just as I cannot sit and tell my students the correct answers and expect them to learn, we all have to walk our own path here with a little wise guidance from others.

What helped me the most was having others to lean on when I felt that I could no longer continue down the path and they helped me along.