I see what you mean. In some ways he does treat me well. But in other ways, he doesn't. He can't work out whether its the depression or not. I do know that the other night for the first time I talked about how overloaded I felt with all the responsibility I have --living with a depressed person has meant I have had to do a lot of caring and taken responsibility for a lot of things. Meanwhile, there's been nothing back in terms of a connection or positive interaction, rather, just a lot of irritability, silence, and daytime sleeps, and I'm just drained from feeling a lone. A number of people have remarked how draining it must be. After 3.5 years of this, I'm exhausted. So I told him--up until this point, I've just been cheerfully carrying it all, in the belief that he will get better someday. When I started to say the things that I am responsible for and that is wearing me down, his response was, "Doesn't sound too onerous to me". It's like he just expects it, or that he is so empty toward me or angry toward me that he doesn't care. So I thought that was an example of treating me badly. He's an avid weather watcher. He checks the bureau of meterology website several times a day. So it's not unusual for him to know the temperature at any time. Knowing this, nor has it been unusual for me to be able to ask what the temp. for the day is going to be, and for him to know. But the other day, when I asked, he said, "I dunno, look out the window". I was taken aback, drew a breath and said, "So by that reply should I take it not to ask you what the weather is, any more?". He said no. I have lost a lot of weight due to our circumstances (we have severe money problems because he can't work, I have just finished studying and don't have work yet, and we are facing impending homelessness, and so far, haven't been able to come up with a solution--although he thought my mum should bail us out--another story) and my weight is very low. I am in counselling about it. He is getting tense with me about my low weight. But the more he pushes about it, the more I clam up and retreat inside myself. My low weight is not the reason he rejects me emotionally and sexually; even when I was at a healthy weight, it was the same. It's like I can't gain weight, I just feel too sad and worn down. (and not eating saves money).
We are having the "talk" tonight. thanks for your good response, Scarf, I'm thinking on it (btw, I'm 44--now well over 40) Mettaphorica
Hi Coach To some degree, yes, I have talked about some of the paragraph you point out. I have never taken for granted the things he does, always notice and say thank you or praise him for doing something well, or say that I am really pleased with something. I have told him that I consider him different to other men with his consideration and reliability. And I reaffirm it every now and then. So those things he knows. He also knows that his aggro is affecting me. He knows the depression is affecting me.(how can it not? --it's like living in a morgue, being with a depressed person--you can only stay upbeat and carry the energy for the relationship and for both of you for so long, be positive for so long, before you yourself start to get dragged down and probably depressed, too). I have not discussed firmly enough about his running away from things, although it has come up. personally, I think he blames me for everything (or at least, it feels like it) and just wants out -- or separation for a while. What I don't know is whether a separation is best left indefinite, or should have some parameters or an agreed time period. Otherwise, the leaver can just come and go as he pleases and the other partner is left hanging on. I have also read, and how true this is I don't know--that once they leave, it's often the end of things, when it could've been salvaged. Still, I'm not going to do any of the no-no's listed in DB for a partner who is leaving (that is, no begging, crying, guilt or game playing, no anger etc). I have planned to say "I understand why you might feel that way, and I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't feel that separation is the best thing, I think that a lot of our problems are due to the extreme crisis we are facing, and that if we can find a way through that, then a lot of the stress will be over and things will improve". And that IS my belief.
Should I be talking to him about what you pointed out in a different way? thanks Metta
