Boundaries

[gr8 day 2B alive]

bumping this thread for some newbies.

[Long_Way_To_Go]

Could use some help here. I'm working on setting boundaries for my H who is having a emotional and physical relationship with an OW. He has admitted it, said he is not sorry for doing it and continues to "date" her.

More of my story below:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2041440#Post2041440

It seems like every time I talk to him about our relationship I have a hard time staying calm and things don't go well. Is it OK to set a boundary in a letter instead?

[Ready2Change]

Here is the boundaries template:

Remember: Fewer words = bigger impact.

When you lie to me. (describe spouses behavior.)

I feel disrespected. (or use what feeling best describes how you feel.)
(Don't use the word you, takes on the connotation you are blaming him, this is all about behavior.)

I want the lies to stop.

If you continue to lie to me

I will consider all my options, including D(take action).

In your case:

In person, while hold eye contact, in a calm voice:

When you are involved with another woman while still married to me, I feel disrespected. I want all contact to stop. If you continue to contact her or lie to me I will consider all my options, including D.

[Ready2Change]

Latest Boundary:

Lately I’ve been paying several expenses for the kids that I would appreciate help with:

I gladly send you $XXX.xx each month to help cover expenses for the kids, even though they are with me 50% of the time. I suggest spending that money wisely. I am sorry you feel it is OK to pay ALL of these expenses, and then expect me to pay you without any PRIOR discussions or agreements with me. I also pay many expenses for the kids.
As our divorce agreement clearly states, we need to discuss major parental decisions. This includes money. You are free to spend your money as you see fit, but not mine.

I require PRIOR discussions and agreements before paying any expenses. If we BOTH agree that it is a needed expense, then we can BOTH write checks to the appropriate recipient.

It is time for you to step up and start co-parenting. I stand ready.

Enjoy the rest of your day!

[Ready2Change]

I think this is your biggest problem is that you present these boundaries and he tries to argue with you...

Just tell them you need this and invite him to cooperate. If he refuses you tell him "OK" and you start packing his things and show him the door.

He isn't taking your boundaries seriously because YOU don't.

You have made your boundaries clear but he keeps arguing about them and humming and hawing and you get more upset...

Just show him you mean business so he takes you SERIOUSLY..

Sorry, but i don't buy a word he's saying to you... he's a good talker, but what he's DOING is saying something much louder and much more offensive.

Put a list of boundaries up here so we can help you make them clear...

But you need to be prepared to back these up if he crosses them...

Did you know FaceBook is THE NUMBER ONE software product used to conduct affairs today on the internet?

If you want my advice

a. All accounts, usernames, and passwords are turned over to you - no argument
b. He closes his facebook account - no argument
c. He starts reading you assign to him daily - 25 pp a day - no argument

etc

If he refuses this stuff, go out, get some boxes and start packing his things... do NOT argue with him - ACT to show him you are serious...

This is the thing is that TALK is CHEAP... if he thinks all you will do is nag him when he crosses a boundary he's going to keep doing it... seriosly...

Violation of Boundary -> Panic Attack -> Promise to never do it again ->
^^^
|

That cycle never ENDS

he is gonna keep doing it and doing it until you break the cycle and do something to show him you are serious

You may want to add a boundary about his buddy too

a. Assert yourself with friends who encourage you to exit the marriage - ask them to STOP the negativity or LEAVE

You CAN make that a boundary.. If he says no... start packing him up

[LRT Land]

What do you do with a spouse who mostly respects your boundaries but is boundaryless themselves and resort to ultimatums and threats?

[Ready2Change]

What do you do with a spouse who mostly respects your boundaries but is boundaryless themselves and resort to ultimatums and threats?

I keep doing the right thing.
I listen. I observe.
I think about what they say.
Can I translate their statement to a boundary?
I do not react. When I have decided what the best response is, I take the appropriate action.

Can you supply us with a couple ultimatums and threats? We can come up with suggested responses...

[LRT Land]

He sent me an email today saying if my lawyer didn't contact his in 24 hrs he would file. (it's in my other thread) I responded that I met one a couple weeks ago I didn't like and have an appt with another one.

He's flipped into his borderine tendencies due to our current stessful situation and the fact that he hasn't had sx in 5 days.

Do you think a healthy R can be had with a boundaryless person?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He sent me an email today saying if my lawyer didn't contact his in 24 hrs he would file. (it's in my other thread) I responded that I met one a couple weeks ago I didn't like and have an appt with another one.

My suggested response:

"Do what you feel you must do. I cannot control you, nor do I care to. I have to do what's best for me," (and -- if applicable -- "and our children"), and I won't be rushed. For someone who's so cocksure of himself, you may want to ask yourself why you're pushing so much."

Puppy

[Coach]

He sent me an email today saying if my lawyer didn't contact his in 24 hrs he would file.

Ok its a threat. He can file if he chooses. Once you let the threats stop influencing you they lose their power.

Agree with him. He can't disagree if you agree. "OK, H. Go ahead and file, my L won't have it ready in 24 hrs."