Should I Tell Her to Move On???

[marriedCrazy]

I can't speak for what your W wants...but I considered asking my W for a post-nuptial agreement in order for her to come back into the M and our house. For me, I basically wanted insurance to guarantee what I would end up with in a D and it would be negotiated before she returned. That way I would get in a D; what I would have gotten as if I had filed right now. Plus, she would know exactly what was at stake if she didn't live up to her end of the bargain.

That doesn't mean that I wasn't open to reconciliation.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

MC,

I know the agreement isn't the nails in the coffin.

My sitch is different b/c she is the one who left and is the one propsing we get the agreent in place.

I am getting to the point where this meeting is sonething I need too.

It will let me see how much homework she has done and what she thinks she's intitled to. My concern is the house and her intentions with what to do with it.

I don't know if she wants me to buy her out or sale it and split the money.

I don't want to buy her out and be strapped for the next 20 years. On the same hand I want my kids to have a home, no an apartment.

How did your W respond to the agreement?

[marriedCrazy]

I never proposed the agreement to my W because we never got that far in the reconciliation process. I view the agreement as a tool to be used in reconciliation. I'm not sure what your W intends for it.

You need to protect yourself legally and financially. Also protect your kids. That means you do whatever is necessary to keep the house and your kids in the house. If she wants the house, don't agree.

Look, she moved out on you guys. You HAVE the upper hand here. Use it if necessary.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I think she is using it to have everything in place so when she does file it won't be through the high expense of lawyers.

We still have to meet one on one to discuss the division of assets and the kids schedules.

I feel good about the changes I made for myself and I don't think this agreement is going to bother me too much.

It will give me a better understanding of her thoughts and I will be able to start planning my future accordingly.

Most likely I will be planning to move on by myself.
I'm not saying I don't care(I Do) but this whole experience has been very draining.

It seems the longer this goes on the less likely there will be recociliation.

I think it takes a lot of courage to leave your spouse and even more courage to go back.
The WAW may just let the changes slip through b/c they feel the have wronged the LBS.

They almost have to admit THEY were wrong. People and relationships can change.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

W emailed me yesterday ttell me she is going away for a weekend soon and that her mom will be dropping the kids off at normal day and time.

She also asked if I was going on my annual fishing trip. If so she would take time off from work to watch the kids.

I thought that was nice of her but I was arranging plans to make it happen without her offering.

Also still no meeting planned to discuss the post-marital agreement.

What is she waiting for???

[*KS*Chick*]

nice that she offered....

where is your focus?

no expectations, and you can't live your life questioning everything she does....wondering why she does it.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

KS
good to hear from you again.

My focus is on me! and my kids!

Loving life right now. I have a better grip on the anxiety thing. herbal teas, no caffeine and yoga class have been helping.

Although I think about my sitch everyday, it's not bothering me any more.

I am geeting comfortable in my skin.

I may have to sale the house and move, but I don't let that bother me anymore.
When one door closes another opens.

[*KS*Chick*]

true story - and remember to look for a window too

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I have finally noticed a baby step from W.
Along with the email stating she would take time off of work so I could take my annual fishing trip, she actully talk to me for more than 5 minutes when she dropped the kids off on Saturday.

I think she even made eye contact! She used to look at the floor when she spoke to me before.

dburt, I noticed your post on mza8 thread.
You said your W was going to IC to fix herself.

My W is seeing an IC but she(the IC) told her that since these actions( Our R) have going on for X amount of years, things wouldn't change.

I feel like she is getting bad advice from her IC. Yet anotherr challenge for me.

You wrote: One day she said, "I can really start to see you and I together in the future." That was the first time she saw us together in her mind in a really long time she said. Then, we started to go to MC (I was finally invited in, big deal at the time), then after a couple of months of that, I asked if we had an MC appointment, and she said, "nah, I cancelled it, we're good."

How long did this take for her to say this to you?
Did she say wnat changed her mind?

I am waiting patiently for her heart to soften.

[mza8]

Gr8, that is GOOD that your W talked to you on Sat. My W was the same, she would look down when talking to me. I have noticed she looks at me sometimes when we meet. My W and I went from no calls to where we have had 30 minute talks by phone recently. Our phone calls are about the house and other non R stuff, but we are very friendly. My W would be in a hurry to get off of the phone with me but not lately. As a matter of fact I am the one to end the calls now. Baby steps. Patience.

My W is also in IC. I have no idea what they talk about but I'm hoping my W is doing this to work on herself. I have also been concerned if my W's IC tells her that things won't change. I wouldn't be surprised if my W's IC has told her something similar because when my W left me she told me that people's personal core doesn't change. That definitely didn't sound like my W so I'm sure someone put that thought into her head. Any good C knows that people can and do change. I can't believe that any IC would say such things as your W's did that things wouldn't change. Man, there are some really bad C out there aren't there? My IC would never say anything like that. I'm hoping that my W will be strong enough to make her own decisions and not be influenced by any negative comments from anyone, IC, family, friends, etc. In my sitch, I don't think that any of her family or friends have any ill will towards me.

I would also be interested in hearing what Dburt has to say how long it took his W to say this to him and also what changed her mind. My guess is that every W is different and each has their own timeframe. I am also guessing that that what changed Dburt's W's mind was time and her finally feeling she was ready. Probably nothing specific as seems to be the case in other sitchs.

Gr8, you have some positive things happening for you. Again, baby steps is what we both are seeing. We both need to continue to be patient. At least what we are both doing seems not to be pushing our Ws further away. We must be doing something right.