Need a Plan for My Marriage

[LSG]

I am reposting because my wife was checking this site. I do not want to put to much personal information that she will have an idea what my plans are to save my marriage. I want to "Save My Marriage", and I will do that with participation from everyone here. I am so thankful for the support I have already had so far. Please don't stop giving me advice!

Our marriage as deteriorated from the affair with her co-worker, and I will do anything to expost the infedility and end the affair.

To recap, we are still living in the same home and share the same bed, but that is about the extent of the relationship. I do not talk to her unless I have to. I do not want to give her any attention or in any way endore her affair.

More in the next post.

[LSG]

I am starting the process of exposing the marriage to the OMW as soon as I have the personal information. Is there a best way to approach for best results. I feel bad for her that she might be hurt from this. I have to do, but I do not have to like it.

My wife wants to take the kids to a work event, but I want to be there so I can keep the OM away from them. She does not want me to go. Should I stay home or go with her? Any thoughts?

I need to protect my kids from this infidelity as much as possible.

[LSG]

The other man says he is having problems at home. My W told me that his W cheated on him a while ago, and the are no longer in the same bedroom for a long time now. Should I believe what she has told me he said to her. How will this impact me when I expose to the to his W. Will she be able to help me and her to end the affair, or am I screwed. He seems to want to end his marriage this year for my W. Many question I have. I am eager to talk to the OMW about this situation and see if he is lying. I need the correct approach to be most effective. Then I will set up the boundaries very soon. The sooner the better I think. I just need to consider what will happen, and how I can do it best.

[LSG]

My W is very distant and does not talk to me much, not even good night. I am get better at no worrying about it. She still wears her wedding ring, and is nicer to me lately with some more Thank Yous for dinner and so and so. I do not clean up after her or do anything for her. I cannot be nice these days. It just seems so wrong when she is seeing someone else. I do not know if this the right approach, but it seems to be the way a lot of people do on this forum. It is absolutely exhausting to not show my feelings for her when I have so many. I guess that is just the way it is. I will keep with the plan I have so far. I would appreciate any and all help. I believe that marriage has a chance.

[rottzilla]

Sorry your wife is checking your posts. I suspect my DH is also, as we used to post here together.

I don't think that her checking will matter much from the DB side of things. After all, if the work you are doing is on YOU then what does she have to complain about? If you're talking about her finding out your plans to do extra-db things (meaning outside of MWD suggestions) then probably she shouldn't know, as they then involve her.

Not much you can do about keeping your kids away from him, unless you have that conversation with her... I think it's best for the children not to be involved in anything going on in our lives until we both know what we are doing and where we're headed. Can we both make that promise to each other? My DH accepted Christmas presents from his OW for his children (my steps) and that hurt almost more than anything else he had done. Put this globe she had given him on OUR table, that MY grandparents had given me before they passed on. Ouch... they do stupid things because they think they are entitled and feel they are doing nothing wrong. Believe me, she'll realize it one day and feel bad. However, much like a teenager who will "one day" realize why you did the things you did, the temper tantrums and "I hate yous" hurt now.

Set boundaries, and then detach, GAL and become the person you know yourself to be inside. Be all you can be, to borrow a campaign slogan from Uncle Sam.

[saffie]

Don't believe what your W tells you about OM or OM'W because the OM will likely be lying to your W. In reality he is probably sleeping with both your W and his own.

It may hurt the OMW to hear what you have to say, but she will want to know. Just don't ever think OMW is your friend - ultimately she is out to protect her own family.

[LSG]

How do I start the conversation? It seems a difficult one to approach. Will she want to hear? I am just unsure my initial words, so she will listen to what I have to say. Thoughts please!

Thanks Saffie!

[LSG]

Hi Rottzilla,

I have a hard time accepting some things about this situation. I guess it was the way my parents have raised me. They have been married for 49 years. It just seems so morally unjust to the whole family. I don't get, but I am sure that I will. I know others probably feel the way. I feel for you and what you have you have experienced. I hope that I have the strength you do. I am sure trying to the right things, but everything seems so wrong about infidelity. I just hate it!!!

I have to set boundaries and GAL. It is difficult for me to do that. I am will keep trying.

Thanks for the touch of reality. I need to hear it even if it hurts.

[saffie]

Do you know where she lives? You could write to her and give her your contact details so that if she wants to she can call you.

I was the last one to find out in my sitch and I wished someone had told me earlier. OW's H had known for months and not told me and I was really cross he hadn't. Things would have been cleared up much sooner if he had contacted me.

Be prepared for an explosion from your W though when you do contact OM's W. Eventually she will simmer down though and OM's real intentions will become clear.

OM often say they will leave there W's but statistics show they are more likely not to.

[LSG]

Hi Saffie,

I should know where she lives today or tomorrow. I was going to call her and talk directly to her. The letter is a good idea, but I do not want to have a paper trail in case this ever goes to divorce. My W for sure would try to use it against me. I know she will do what she can in her current state-of-mind to hurt me.

I hope the statistics are correct in my case. I surely want my marriage to work out. He is sleazy to me. I talked to him once, and he said he would have no contact with her, but here I am and they have escalated their affair. Nice, huh! I have so many unkind words for him that come to mind. I will keep it clean here.