I am worried. expecting to be pummeled like last time. Will go with an open mind of course.
Hope this guy is better than the person we had last time.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Last marriage counselor stated she never saw a marraige last more than 6 months once it got to the point ours did. She stated that 18 months ago. Good thing I told her I was not giving up on us...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
OTMT, I have been reading your thread, But my GAL has been to try to avoid getting too involved with the DB site. Wishing you luck!
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
June, good GAL goal! I need to do that too. Sorry your H has been so mean to you. We all have our reasons for wanting to stay with our Hs I guess! On the positive side, you are reconciling!! But I must say that your C doesn't sound pro marriage if she only thought your marriage had "6 months"! Are troubled marriages like cancer or something? Don't be afraid to change counselors if it isn't working well.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Yes, she was not pro-marriage at all. She told me she was working with another couple to work out an open-marraige arrangement.
WHAT!!!! That is when I knew that this idiot had made things worse for us.
Not he definitely was a jerk and has been atoning and actually owning up to his sh@it. I was a jerk too.
I was stuck with him for health reasons and money issues (laid-off) and then my younger son was quite sick for some time and again I needed to lean on him.
My only goal for year swas to "Get the h@ll awayfrom him" with a D when I could afford it. He knows this. 2 years ago I started be the WAS. I told him I could no longer do this, maybe we need to separate etc. After years of begging for MC then he agreed to it. But not to fix the marraige to only fix me and point out my flaws that needed correctly. The entire 7 months of MC was what problems he had with me. I never ever got to speak my piece in MC not even once. I asked the MC when is my turn and she got snippy and stated- why aren't you speaking up? That's your job! I responded- I thought you were the one in charge here. I don't want to play the victim so I am hearing and listening and understanding but zero as been addressed about my concerns.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
For a long time now, since the bomb- I walk around with a smile on my face, cheery, in a good mood. Some days though if sadness creeps in I can not show my real feelings or it is an ugly day with him. "Why am I starting trouble?" Some days I feel like I walk around with a smile on my face till my face cracks.
Issue number 1 I was to speak to the counselor about is my and my hubby's definition of a fight. I simply want to discuss something that is upsetting me and he goes immediately to DECON 5. Red alert, red alert!!! He acuses me of starting trouble.
I can't talk to the man with out him flipping out.
I had a discussion this weekend and he got s very upset. He had to talk some Xanax- and they stated- look what happened b/c of this I had to take more than usual- as if it is my fault.
I remember hearing that when he used to drink too much and then blame me for it. Or name calling- you drive me to it. No own your sh@t.
His biggest issue is that I am stuck in the past. I rarely bring it up but the past is a big concern of mine. How can I move forward unless I know that he really gets it and will not repeat the same mistakes.
I mean only recently has he admitted that the marriage problems were not all my fault. IN the past- everything that was wrong with the marraige was d/t to me. That he was an amazing husband. "Do you know how lucky you are to have me?"
I have him now but honestly some days I feel like throwing him away. I mentioned that to him this weekend and boy did he react badly.
On the surface our marriage looks great now but it all surface. We do not have a solid marraige at the moment.
He knows I am in a position to no longer be dependent on him soon and if he separates from me again or starts acting like a pr@ck I am done- immediately.
I was done then too but I was stuck and trapped. Had no one to help me or take me in. I asked my mother for help but since she is all about herself she would not help me. I truly believe she has NPD and had made my childhood miserable. I have no family to lean on. It's just me and the world. Starting to make friends again. Was extremely isolated for many years (my fault)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Well had the session with the new counselor tonight and it was tough but of more interest is what happened afterward. We had to go in separate directions, I picked up the kids and he home. I came to pick him up so we could all go out and I noticed that it looked like he may have been crying. I was shocked. Wow.
We had a cheery happy dinner with the kids and I looked over at him and said I love you. He said I love you back and his eyes were so very wet. Not sure how tears did not fall out. A shocker for me- the man does not cry- not ever. It floored me. So of course I spilled some tears and I think I said something like "Very much" and he repeated it too. We then held hand for a second.
To me this was huge! Monumental and very moving for me. I think my doubts and concerns about does this guy really love me after all the hatred that was thrown out at me is pretty much gone. I know for a fact that he does love me. I really really know it. I mean he is willingly going to counseling when for years he had refused. He is changing his ways. He even asked me last week if I am meeting his needs (in a concerned sort of way). I mean that melted my heart so much.
I really think the only area we have to work on now is if I have an issue or concern I want to "talk" and he sees it as me starting a fight.
No NM, we were both mean to each other for a long time. We both were doing love busting behavior and not paying attention to each others needs. It was a very ugly and toxic relationship very bad.
I really feel positive though that we are moving forward. I really believe this. It has been so very slow though. I think DBing was very effective here b/c there was so much negativity going on.
My heart aches for him some days. I so badly long for the beginning when he was so very very in love with me. How I was so confident that he was mine. It's harder now you know. Life is harder- I wish for the days when we were happy with each other all the time. The first year of our relationship was the best year of my life. I was so very happy- everything was perfect. All the time in the work to hang out together. Ah- youth! *sigh*
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I regret the way I handled so many things and I finally realize that he regrets the way he handled things to.
Tonight is really an inner peace moment for me about the relationship. I feel like the crappy stuff is really getting sloughed off like old yucky snake skin. Starting fresh.(Sorry for the gross analogy)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Wow June...it's very touching to read about how far you've both come. It takes a lot for BOTH of you to admit your wrongs and try new ways of being together.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
