hey, I am no expert, but from what I read on here, yes.. You need to move back in. You are not the one who wants this. If she wants a better life for herself, she must move out. Everyone here will tell you the same.
What you are going through, I am also. Its very difficult, and we will never understand. I was told repeatedly to "drop the rope" Detach detach detach.. Tougher than it sounds, but I can see that the pain slowly goes down.
Do things for you. ie: gym, workout, go out with friends ( make new ones with ladies) you dont have to sleep with them. I did read here that what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
Take control of your emotions and dont worry about what she is doing. As in my sitch, you and I have lost her already.. Go with that.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Stay where you are then. It isn't going to make a bit of difference whether you reconcile or not regarding who moves out. You already moved out and admit it is a better place and has helped you. You would be just as well off to let her see that you just LOVE your new place and are doing quite well.
So tomorrow is a big day. We'll have a phone call, she wants to arrange for us to talk in one week since it's the 1 month period she asked for to think things through.
Right know I'm trying to think what should be my expectations for this meeting. Last time we met was a monologue. Hers.
I'm putting together a "plan" for the day. here's the outline.
I intend to be calm and assertive at all times. (trying to get the strength for that). New haircut, new clothes. I want to feel.
1. Let her speak first. Ask her how she's doing, what has she been thinking, etc I will acknowledge everything and tell her I understand her reasons and that I also been thinking that this had to change.
2. Depending on how receptive she is. I was planning to share with her my side of the story because right know she thinks I never put any work into this on the last 6 months. I won't be defensive but I do think she deserves to know the truth and how committed I've been to make it change. Because I again, I did want things to change. We both wanted the same. Change. Only for me it's possible within the relationship and for her it isn't.
3. I'll tell her, I understand she's confused and she's looking for answers and I can understand she needed that time and can even understand if she needs more. My only request to her would be to be willing to look for answers beyond the places where she's been trying to find them. Many people go through this, It's surely worth learning from them whether it is on books, articles, etc. If your arm hurts, you go to the doctor and asks his opinion, you don't ask him to chop it off right away. Let's be sensible.
If I see she's not receptive to anything, I'd go directly to step 3.
I'm thinking to persuade her to come to my place as this would be a big testament to how I was able to GAL in such a short time, I cook for myself, clean, etc And did NOT end up on a dump like she's probably thinking.
And it's not a phoney move, I've reconnected with my old me so much in these last few weeks (gym, cooking for myself, playing guitar, watching films, doing walks, etc). TAKING CARE OF ME.
I've loved that part of this as painful as it's been.
On a positive note here, she has offered me not to divorce me oficially as my VISA depends on us to stay married and she doesn't want to affect me. ( in her opinion she's been very thoughtful during this whole thing). So no matter what, I won't be getting divorced officially which at least gives some hope.
Opinions, suggestions?
Last edited by Fracesc; 03/20/1004:20 PM.
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
Listen to robx...look up his advice he's given others, he knows what he is talking about. SHE is choosing to end things, so SHE can move out. You are choosing to work on things, so you stay. Move back now. The money on the other place is gone no matter what, so it is irrelevant.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Well, since you asked for opinions. I usually have one and here it is...
My observations and experience in helping people in your situations in the past twenty plus years tells me yet again that your wife is more than likely interested in someone else.
My experience and observations has also shown me that the person in your position instantly puts up a wall and does everything in their power to prove to me that their spouse is not having an affair. Such as... "I asked her and she denied it".."I know her and she would never do that"... etc etc....
So, with that being said.. It makes it difficult to give you advice that would work since you have the wrong diagnosis for the patient. You are thinking that "if" you change for the better that the disease will heal. I believe that you have misdiagnosed the disease. The disease is the affair.
So, to answer your own analogy about going to a doctor when you have a pain in your arm instead of just cutting the arm off isn't the right diagnosis. The pain in the arm could be signs of a stroke.(the affair) She may be telling you she has a pain in her arm, and be lying. Maybe she has no pain at all. Maybe she has a pain in her leg. You are trying to tell her what her pain is. She is telling you she doesn't have any pain and yet you are not listening to her. You are basically saying that you know better and that you still want her to go to the doctor to have him check her arm. That won't work. She will only fight harder to defend her position that she doesn't have any pain...
Don't get caught up in this nonsense of you "having" to move home to prove some kind of point. It is not necessary. You are already moved out and happy and like it better. Stay put. You have UPGRADED. That is always attractive.
I can understand if she has an Emotional Affair but definitely not a physical one. 100% sure on that. She has really, really, REALLY high morals when it comes to lying. I hope you can trust me on this one.
I asked her if she wanted to see other people. With tears in her eyes she replied she didn't. I don't know how to take this then.
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
