I have to say that I agree with HB on many points.
I once chronicled my journey on here so people could see the process that I went through...
But it really is such an individual process for each of us.
Acceptance was something that was hard fought for me. First accepting that MLC even was real, because that really did mean that there was not a lot of traditional marriage counseling stuff that I could do to fix it. Then accepting that my H was in a MLC. Then accepting that I had no choice but to either join him in misery or start living for me.
Living for me meant much mirror work. More than I care to admit to. I had my own issues, some from childhood, some from the religion I was raised with, some cultural, some from adulthood and my marriage.
Filtering out all of the garbage, releasing all of the anger that I held inside, anger at myself, God, and others...learning forgivness for others and for myself and self love were two of my biggies.
Accepting that my abandonment issues were really a lack of self confidence for me, and learning how to find that confidence again...
Then accepting that my H actually WAS trying to deal with his issues and that was HIS process to go through. And I could NOT help him. Except to allow him to take his journey, thus allowing us both to continue on our paths.
There is still so much that I need to work on. I do believe that it will be an ongoing lifelong process.
Every once in a while something comes my way that either shows me what is next to work on, or convinces me that I am on the correct life path for me.
One thing I have learned from this place, is that there isn't a set way for people to go through this. Men and women seem to come at their healing from different starting points and get stuck in different places.
And getting stuck is ok once in a while, as long as eventually you take that next step forward. FEAR is what really keeps us stuck. In the long run, there really isn't anything to be afraid of, but you often don't know that until you just simply try...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I like this switch in the board. Instead of focusing on dealing with our spouses...instead we are focusing on the changes within ourselves. Very deep..
My thoughts on the LBS stages;
Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?
Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!
Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.
Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.
Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.
Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.
Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.
Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.
Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.
Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.
As I reviewed LFW's post I was trying to see at what point I was. I thought for awhile I was in the bottom 2. Then 3. Then as I reviewed it I could see that at times I may still be in the depression stage, but working also on forgiveness and self awareness.
No one stage or no one answer. For each, there are combination's I think of where we are at. And I do find myself recycling (hey I'm going green) through many of them, but shorter in several as I move forward to the others.
I agree. It's refreshing to focus on where WE might be at, and what might be coming along on the never ending journey.
The more I let go of her and search for me, the further down the road it seems I get, and her too.
Give yourself credit....I have you pegged moving out of resentment into acceptance. Your posting is indicative of that. You go for good periods of time calm and collective and then something pops up...kicking resentment. Right now for you it is mainly financially related.
If it makes you feel any better....it is all uphill from here.
Really great food for thought! I find that lately I've stopped analyzing my H's behaviors so much, and don't really feel like figuring out where I am either..not sure why. I figured things were percolating within me and things would become more apparent later.
I can certainly see where I've gone through the stages of grief, am still learning detachment, definitely have triggers(financial/effects on children) for falling into anger/resentment occasionally. I'm still working on forgiving absolutely and completely by becoming more compassionate in thought and word.
I'm working on me. I'm seeing that my daughters' are still processing everything and going through the stages of grief as well(D12 is still very much in anger).
Its pretty awesome to see so many of us on the path of growth- at whatever stage, moving forward while supporting each other and helping each other along. Thank you to all of who have supported and are supporting me!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
WOW, this was so helpful to me...to see where I was... where Ive been, then bounced back again...then moved onto the next one... Very Very helpful indeed.
LFW-Yeah, you're probably right. I remember the other day (before the whoopie in the back of the car) thinking what in the heck has happened to the self confident, I'll figure it all out and be ok guy I used to be.
Well he's coming back, and yes part of it is related to finances, and where my biz is at right now, and where that puts me.
I'm getting there though.
I gotta say though-The goof nut kid in me would have liked to see the look on the W's face if a cop would have pulled up there during our "replay" thing. I would have laughed!!!!
LFW - I will be reading and rereading this for weeks. I see so many of my feelings and actions in there that I can relate to, and I'm somewhere in the middle - depression I think - but anger and resentment are omnipresent. Looks like such a long road but its encouraging that others have made the journey and come out ok at the end.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
I am working on a post for this but I can see it might take me a few more days of thinking to come up with exactly what I want to say. So far I would like to thank everyone for contributing. The responses are fantastic!
I know that we are still missing something here. Cyrena touched on it, self growth issues, detachment. GAL. Myaybe there is more.
I would like to encourage everyone who is reading this (even if you are a newbie) to write something of your thoughts. That may help me with my post (or anyone elses).
