My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

He did open up some, but he is still involved with the OW I believe. We really cannot make it work or have serious talks until she is out of the picture.

The h still believes that he is all used up and that he can't give me anything more...I could go on and on with his different excuses. I just don't know what more to do. I feel helpless and I think he feels as helpless too. He is so lost that he really does think D would maybe/maybe not solve his problems. He is litterally sitting on a fence trying to decide which side to jump to. I can't tell if it upsets him that I told him I would be fine with or without him. Hard to tell what he thought, he just chuckled a little. I really want to call up this OW and let her know what she is doing, I think she really has no clue....but then I changed my mind. Probably not a good idea.

Part of me thinks he wants me to fight for him and get mad at him and make him prove that he can be a better husband...but I'm not sure. I get alot of different feelings from him and I just can't take what he says as truth yet.

Ahhhhh!

[mrbt]

Hi 8,

I understand your desire to contact the other woman. I went through the same thought process. I found the other man's cell phone number in an e-mail.

One day I thought "why should he be allowed to remain anonymous and think what he is doing is harmless?" and "Maybe if being involved with someone else's wife included being harassed by the husband, it would be less fun for OM."

So, I sent him a text message late one night and he denied everything. I sent a text message weeks later, after learning there was still contact, and he started giving me marriage advice.

It didn't really accomplish anything. I think it just pissed off my wife (she couldn't tell me why she was pissed because she'd have to admit being in contact with him to do so).

I would recommend not contacting her - don't think it would get you anywhere.

[nicole8]

mrbt I know it won't get me anywhere. The high school infactuation will end soon enough. The question is just when and will it be before or after he files for D? He hasn't filed yet that I know of so that makes me happy. I think he actually wants me to do the "dirty work" for him and then it is my fault. I can't figure it out and don't know that I ever will.

I really am just living hour by hour. I definately saw a different side of him last night and it confirmed again that I do think he is in a depression..... His word would never be depressed, his word for the depression would be that he is lost.

[rr22]

"Lost" means depressed to males, I think. There's no way to tell how long it will last without treatment. OW is symptom, not cause and certainly not the treatment. It's a self-medicating addiction and avoidance of depression measure. Sorry you are going through this. You might need to figure out how to detach some at least until she moves and he starts realizing he's stupid with this. Unless someone on the infidelity thread has a better idea. Sometimes they do because they deal with EAs and PAs all the time.

[lolawar]

Lost or confused...seems to be the code word for depressed. I agree with rr22- self medicating. The important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for this and there is nothing you can do to pull him out of the hole that he dug. Remove yourself from the situation as much as possible..you can be there for him...but do not let his moods dictate your moods. Difficult...not impossible though.

As I mentioned to you before..their moods are fleeting..try to keep your mood as stable as possible. Show him what 'stable' means. Again...not easy..but possible.

[awest1217]

Something to think about....H is scared to jump to either side because he is scared, but sitting on a fence hurts too.

[nicole8]

You guys are so smart. I have come to realize over the last many months that I am not the cause and that the OW really is just a symptom... I'm really hoping that she moves soon and I've had panic attacks that she isn't moving. Oh, I hope that isn't true. Regardless the relationship most likely won't last (I hope).

Well, I am going to try and talk to my DB coach again this week or next. Maybe see what he thinks about detaching more or what I should do. I really felt like the H wants me to tell him what to do and that he knows what he is doing is wrong....but I could be wrong about what he was thinking. I just need to be more patient....

[lolawar]

Nicole- "I'm really hoping that she moves soon and I've had panic attacks that she isn't moving."

You cannot control this situation and you are creating anxiety for yourself. Anxiety causes you to obsess. The more you obsess...the more you keep repeating the same negative thoughts in your own head. Result- panic attack. Stop the cycle. You cannot control if OW leaves or stays.

[nicole8]

I do know that I can't control if the OW stays or goes. I am working to detach and not think about the situation so hopefully I don't cause myself anxiety. Lola thank you for the reminder that I can't control the situation.

I am just so confused, frustrated, annoyed and irritated. My h refuses to admit that the reason we drifted apart is because we spent no quality time together. I realize this isn't the only reason, but a huge factor. Along with the death of his father and depression that set in during his year long sickness. I never realized what was happening to my h and I didn't face it and I feel so horrible for not being there for him. Making him talk and tell me how he was feeling about everything. I failed him. But he's also failed me now by giving up.

I wish we could spend some good quality time together doing fun things. I'm unsure if I should try to do this with him and if he would even try. In his mind he still thinks we should be d and that he has failed me and there is no going back.

I'm talking with Chuck my db coach on Monday. I am going to try and get his perspective on what my husband and I need. I am still apprehensive about ignoring him (going dark) because I think that just gives him more ammo to want the d and that I don't care.

[nicole8]

More than anything I need to connect with my h emotionally.... I don't even know how to do this? I feel as if we will never be to that point again to even talk about more than just small chit chat about nothing.

I actually feel like he wants me to fight for our m. When we talked the other day he just sat there looking lost and he said he didn't know what to do. I asked him "if he needed someone to tell him what to do" and he said "yes". I told him I couldn't do that for him and that I never could. He said I always could tell him what to do. I asked him, "so if I tell you to march in the house right now and stay would you do it"? He said "probably". WTF?

I keep thinking of this and it just keeps reminding me how lost he is. I sure hope he finds a map soon.