My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[lolawar]

I feel the same way about the emotional disconnect..and the small chit chat. We have had very few good conversations over the past few months..but as I mentioned to you before..Saturday was a good one. We talked about our R but we were also able to talk about other things..what our friends were doing, what family was up to...etc.

You cannot force the connection...it cannot go back to the way it was overnight. I don't know what the 'magic' bullet is because I am still in the same boat as you..but I am going to try the baby step method. I want to be able to talk about anything other than our R woes with my H right now..we need to learn to be friends again. I don't think we are going to have a 'game changing' conversation..I think that this will need to be a gradual process...very very slow.

You and I are not good with having patience...but I think this is the lesson for us to learn right now. Really back off..it is uncomfortable to do because it is so different than what we have ever done..but what we have done isn't working. Stop the R talk with him...it is draining for both you and him. Let him bring up conversation..if he doesn't bring anything up..get off that phone. He doesn't fully participate in the conversation because he is used to you driving the conversation. Stop driving it- let him have the wheel..see where it goes. 180

[lolawar]

one additional thought..when/if your H brings up R talk..tell him that you really aren't in the mood to discuss your R right now.

[gucci loafer]

He said I always could tell him what to do. I asked him, "so if I tell you to march in the house right now and stay would you do it"? He said "probably".

So you say you want emotional connection and communication and then he COMMUNICATES to you that he would come home if you told him to....

And you didn't tell him to come home?

I thought the whole idea behind Dbing is to bust the divorce...

Do what works....

Tell him you have decided that you want him to come home.... If he was telling you the truth, then he will come home won't he? Or are you going to tell me that now you don't want him to come home because?

Sometimes people ARE actually communicating and can't even recognize it because it isn't the type of communicating that they want. The WS keeps on telling them things and telling them things and the BS just keeps right on complaining how the WS won't communicate with them.

When in fact the WS HAS been communicating.....


It seems to me that he communicated to you that he wants you to tell him what to do. He also said that if you told him to come home he probably would...

Am I missing something here. Tell him that is what you want and see what his answer is. If he says yes, wouldn't he also want you to tell him what you want him to do for the reconciliation to work?

[nicole8]

I do think my lesson at this time is to be patient. Lola I think maybe we might be related, we sound very much alike.... I am being very patient through my husbands changes in moods.

Gucci I do want my h to come home more than anything. Assuming he isn't involved in the EA. I cannot know for sure if he isn't because he won't totally admit it. I have thought about telling him that I think he should come home right now and I am tired of this bs.

I feel like I am walking a fine line between controlling him and letting him be independent. He has complained that I have to much control of his life. Which is probably true but he has always thanked me in the past and seemed so happy that I did things for him. He was always appreciative of what I did for him.

Maybe I will tell him to just come home and see what he says...what harm could it do? He might leave again? Not like it hasn't happened before.... Ahhh, I don't know what to do. I might just ask him to stop by later and see how it goes from there. His moods do change frequently you know.

[lolawar]

I wouldnt have him come home unless he is ready to come home...IMO he needs to initiate that..especially if he has flip flopped before. Him coming and going is NOT good for you. If he is going to come home..I think he needs to be fully committed to working on your M- not because you told him to come home. He is a big boy. He needs to start making some big boy decisions.

IMO- I wouldn't invite him over either..let him want to come over..let him start making some decisions. Guys are so much more accepting of things when it is THEIR idea. My H was always more receptive to things when it was HIS idea. Just my opinion for what it is worth.

[nicole8]

Just got off the phone with the h...had a really nice chat with him for about twenty minutes about just normal everyday stuff. I acted all happy and just chatted along and then told him, "ok, talk to you later". He seemed really upbeat and in a good mood. I think he was a little disappointed to get off of the phone. Oh well!

Haven't decided if I am going to tell him he should just come home because lola makes a good point that he needs to want to and be willing to not be involved in the EA. So we will see how the next few days go. How we get along and his attitude.

[awest1217]

My H always said that he wanted me to tell him to come home. I would, and he then wouldn't come home or he would say that I am too controlling which is supposedly why he left in the first place. I don't know if your H is like mine, but I wouldn't play the game. You should tell him that you want him to come home and you want a good relationship with him, but he chose to leave and he needs to choose to come home.

[nicole8]

I am torn on what to do... Should I tell him to come home or not? I saw h last night and he was in a pretty good mood, just tired from working all day. We snuggled and he held me really tight. He hasn't done this in a long time. We ml and if was really nice. I can't explain but different in a good way. The last time this happened he was very upset and remorseful almost immediately afterwards and the next day. He seemed fine with it last night and hasn't told me he regrets it.

I feel like he is rounding another corner on his roller coaster ride. I think I am going to try to tell him nicely that it is ok for him to come home but if has to be because he wants to and we need to do things together, communicate, build trust again, yadda yadda yadda. We'll see. Three weeks ago he thought there was nothing to fix buf his tune has changed ever so slightly.

[gucci loafer]

"Honey, there is something I need to talk to you about when we get some free time."

Then let him set a time. He will probably want you to tell him right now...

"I want you to come home"

WAIT for his response.. LISTEN... LISTEN.. Listen to what he says and listen for the emotion behind the words.....

If he says no or balks.. DO NOT ARGUE.. Just say ok. Softly and matter of factly. You can't talk about the terms until you see what he says. If he says no, then there is nothing more to say.

If he says yes, then you have some decisions to make on how you are going to handle the affair issue. I believe you have to ask him to come home, but also be resolved that if he says yes that you say to him that the affair must be over.. AND if he says it is and you find out later that it isn't, that there will be NO other efforts by you to make this work....

Short sweet to the point..


The problem many of you women have is to TALK TOO MUCH. Most men do not like you to tell your point by going into every minute feeling, detail and word in your mind. Simple is better when trying to communicate with men. Long and drawn out is not a good idea.

[nicole8]

Gucci I like your way with words. Short and to the point. He thinks we need to talk about our relationship. But I don't think talking is going to accomplish much except blaming one another. I think we need to live together, spend time together doing fun things and be open and honest. That is actually good. I might tell him that.