Thank you Snodderly. Just voicing options and I've read quite a few here recommend both spouses in the same house.
Again, thanks everyone.
Me: WAW/MLC 41 H: 42 M: 16 yr T: 20 Me: EA/PA started Sept 2008 D: Anytime, just need to sign papers http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1968939&page=1
I meant to post the other day and got involved with kids things.
I agree with Snodderly....You have jumped from one man to another, yet have not stood on your own. If you return to the rental house, I just fear that you will return to unaddressed issues....and then run again.
Maybe a short term rental (3-6 months maybe) and a clear list to your husband.
1-I want to come home 2-To do that we need to address our prior marital issues including the OM 3-Revisit MC 4-Start "dating" again 5-Then move back in
You are in a good place...Hopefully we can assist you in getting farther.
I can tell you this, IF your husband had come here instead we would have told him that he aboslutely needs to change his behaviour on the chance that you would give him a shot.
Does he need to change? Yes.
He is the LBS and if the LBS doesn't see the need to change, has no desire to...then THEY will repeat all the mistakes they have made in any new relationship they are in...and they will be in several at least.
Kuddos to you for doing this.
This is very brave of you.
I ask two things of you.
1st: IGNORE anyone who is unkind to you, some people MAY project their spouse onto you and bash you for their misplaced fears. IGNORE them.
2nd: Really analyse the advice for your goals. Kimmie has some good advice to being empowered, just not much of it is geared toward being married.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Lostforwords: Thank you for your kind post and addressing some very important issues. No, I have NEVER stood on my own. My insecurities thinking I "could never make it on my own" have always taken over.
The thing about the OM I didn't know/think he was the OM once I left the M. Now that I am coming out of the fog, I do and I am REALLY SEEING THE LIGHT.
JTB: THANK YOU for taking the time to respond.
I really HOPE and really WANT LBS to want to change. I think he knows he SHOULD change and do the work, but I cannot be sure for I am trying to go dark on my end and work through my crap. Whether or not we get back together, I really hope that we have BOTH worked through our issues and can have healthy, happy two sided relationships.
1st: Thank you. I am not saying I have a strong backbone and can handle the spousal projections but I invite it for I hope I can help those that I trying to find answers as you all will be able to help me.
2nd: This has been my stalling tactic. I have been searching and analyzing my goals.
Last edited by Jasmine; 03/31/1012:47 AM.
Me: WAW/MLC 41 H: 42 M: 16 yr T: 20 Me: EA/PA started Sept 2008 D: Anytime, just need to sign papers http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1968939&page=1
Jasmine, thx for your post. I began formulating the ways to slam you until I read Jack's post. You present similar actions/responses that my WAW has exhibited. I always attempted to be supportive, but communication issues abound. I saw her rants as illogical and her as selfish and lazy. I wish to God my W would see through her MLC fog the man who loves her and is an awesome dad to our kids. Detachment is more difficult, I found, with daily interaction about the kids. Thanks to Jack too.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
Thank you for your honesty. If you still have what you typed up to slam me, feel free. I will do my best to be as informative and helpful as best I can. This is very vivid and fresh in my mind. You can even pm me.
My best advice is what DB and DR is telling you, don't beg and plead. The sooner you can go dark the better. To show that you and the kids have moved on, the better.
journaling: I truly believe my sit is different than the stereotype. I cannot recall when but at some point, several years ago, I believe my H started his MLC and his OW was his road bike and mountain bike. He decided to better himself and not involve me. As he was getting fitter and fitter I was just existing. I would still surf, kitesurf, mtn bike, hike and camp with him, just not at the TOP level as him. He wasn't happy that I was doing things to the best that he thought I should have been doing. He wasn't happy that I was just out there doing things.
As I went along on him being my athletic coach, I would get hurt. I broke the glassed in fin off in the back of my upper thigh. Trip to emergency room
I crashed HARD mountain biking and had a nice chunk taken out of my calf. Again, a trip to the emergency room.
Kite Surfing....pretty dangerous sport at the time...I was scared and all I heard was, "more time on the water the better you get."
Road Biking...I didn't feel safe out on the road. I didn't have the skills.
Vicious cycle. For me to the be the ULTIMATE wife, I needed to be his ULTIMATE buddy. I did these sports, some because I LOVED the sport, some because I LOVE him. When I got injured, It took me a while to regain my confidence and I was turning to food to "comfort" me.
Through out the years, I just ate and ate to keep myself not being able to participate. Then, I had my ass ridden because I couldn't participate and now I needed to wear a heart rate monitor and we would download my workouts weekly and he would evaluate me. I tried my best to participate and couldn't. The last 3 years I had heard him utter the ugly words, "if you don't like it, you can leave." UGH...Bu bye....
I helped build OUR business with sacrifices of no car and riding the bus to work our first couple of years together. I even agreed to move into an apartment above his parents house to save money to get our own place. We were married for 16 years and lived there for 13. The money we "supposedly" were to save went to traveling and expensive toys. I am taking responsibility for not standing up and saying this isn't right but he was bringing in most of the money and I felt that was how it was.
I am taking responsibility for so much in this. I wish he would do the same. He couldn't explain to me why he would say "if you don't like it you can leave" and then I finally did. His explanation for the fitness stuff is that he was more concerned about my health more than anything and that he wanted me to enjoy these sports as much as him and that meant being at his level.
Me: WAW/MLC 41 H: 42 M: 16 yr T: 20 Me: EA/PA started Sept 2008 D: Anytime, just need to sign papers http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1968939&page=1
Welcome to this board, I told you we might be able to help. How are we doing so far? More importantly how are YOU doing do far? Listen to Mach he is very wise.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
OP, Mach, and Cat, Thank you for your posts, the kind words and the links to archives. I've been doing my damnedest to read everything and absorb everything as fast as possible.
I am a tad confused on reading some other people's stories. They want their WAS to come back and work on things and to live under the same roof. Isn't that what I should do? I know I am trying to find myself but I also want to save my my marriage. Shouldn't I be doing this work under the "marital home"?
Maybe some answers to what was asked of me above and definitely some more journaling:
I am angry about the fact as to where did I go as a person? What happened to the independent, strong willed, ambitious woman that I was when I met my H?
H had a goal and life and already knew what he wanted for himself career wise. The agreement was build his business first. Get him successful and then to work on my career. Throughout the years, we both became comfortable in the daily grind and we traveled a lot, where I should have been going to school. He started to become more and more successful and I felt I was being left behind. He brought home the big checks, where my paychecks were hobby money. H became more successful and needed me to be the bookkeeper not to mention it was tough for me to hang onto my personal clients while we traveled so much.
H became the sole money maker and THAT’S where I surrendered myself esteem and my self worth. Money is control and I allowed myself to be controlled by the money that was coming into the marriage. A spiraling depression set in where I was also suicidal. That is also where I believe he felt H had to take control of me as well and I THANK him for that.
While in the EA with the OM, he was boosting my ego and my self esteem. My driving force to pick up and leave. Imagine that. At that point again, I was spiraling into another depression and was looking to check into a depression facility. Depression facility or leave the situation that was bringing me to this breaking point?
What is killing me the most right now is being dark when I feel I shouldn’t be. I have never told H the why’s to my behavior. I just recall him so upset and distraught when I left the last time. All he wanted to do was talk. I would hear NONE of it. Some words that he uttered to me as I was leaving that probably had the shift in the fog were, “You need to stay and work on this. You will do the same thing in another relationship and you will keep doing it till you work this out.” WTF did that come? Was he really trying to work on himself?
H text me yesterday and asked If I have heard from the mediator. I had not. Last we left it, she was to type up the judgment. I am to have an attorney look it over and then we sign the papers. His text was, “I want to get this over with as soon as possible.”
Facebook incident Monday: I had H blocked from my wall because I was sharing pics of where I was currently and what I was doing. No pics of the OM but I didn’t want to hurt H any more than I have. I ended up cleaning up my FB, weeding out everyone but family and a couple of good hearted friends. I had a lot of the bad seeds blocked and thought why block just unfriend. I ended up unblocking H. That same day, he is never on FB, he changed his marital status to single and looking for women. That just threw the dagger into my heart. STILL I am NC with him and it effing hurts!
There is no handbook on marriage and the trials and tribulations. I married for life I don’t know who this person is that is my skin. Where did this person come from? The whirlwind has just been so messed up. I never looked at other men and never wanted to be with any one else. MESSED UP.
Currently, I have a NASTY inner ear infection and I have an appointment with an IC next week. The inner battle I am having is taking its toll. I am still waiting on some $$ that I had as a deposit on my last rental to move back to CA. I need first and last month’s rent and some small move in costs.
I SO want to break NC and call H for a date or just to talk to him and to talk this out.
Me: WAW/MLC 41 H: 42 M: 16 yr T: 20 Me: EA/PA started Sept 2008 D: Anytime, just need to sign papers http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1968939&page=1
